Let ME build YOU a house.

I really shouldn't be up blogging right now. I'm currently going through Hot Yoga bootcamp, which basically consists of me getting up every day (m-f) at 5:15 to go do yoga in a room that is 110 degrees and 80% humidity. But I always seem to blog when it's inconvenient :)

I'm apart of a Bible study at my new church and we are studying the life of David. The timing has been perfect as it has coincided with an interesting season of my life. The part of the study I want to focus on is a section where David has become king and he's really struggling with the fact that he is living in a cedar palace and the spirit of the Lord is dwelling in a tent because the Ark of the Covenant hasn't been recovered. He asks the Lord if he can build Him a house and the Lord's response is, Let ME build YOU a house. This whole dialogue can be found in 2 Samuel 7:1-17. Read it - it is AMAZING. But the thing I want to really share is Beth Moore's commentary on the passage that literally spoke over my heart the very moment I needed to hear it.

"Do you see it? When David wanted to build a house for God, He responded 'You're not going to build a house for Me. I'm going to build a house for you!' As we conclude today's lesson, take this personally: When God doesn't appear to bless your plan to do something for Him, consider that He wants to do something for you instead. Ask Him what! Then, as He reveals it to you over time, cooperate and let Him do it! Every work of our hands that God truly blesses always originates with a specific work of His in us.

Listen, Beloved. You aren't - nor have you ever been- a failure. Anything God has stopped you from doing for Him was only so you'd be still enough to let Him first do something for you. "


Oh my gosh. I literally wept when I read that last section. There is so much freedom in someone telling you that you aren't a failure.

you.
aren't.
a.
failure.

Can you even grasp that?? I know I can't. It seems unbelievable to me that God will stop "good" to give me "best."


It's a rough time for me. I can't go into too many details but my heart is heavy. I know He's in control. I know He's sovereign and above all, I know He's GOOD.

.remember.


are you growing weary of all my good intentions?

Love, save the empty.

I loved you.

For a really long time.

To the capacity that I knew how to love, I loved you.

And you chose someone else. I should have known long ago when I first noticed her name creep up in conversation. But I was naive and believed there was a chance for us. A chance to be known and loved for the first time. I've come to accept it. I knew from the very beginning that it was going to end one of two ways, you were going to fall in love with me or fall in love with someone else.

Now I wonder if I loved you or the idea of you.

It doesn't change all those butterflies I felt or the tears I cried, it just makes me wonder if there is something out there that is so much more than I can imagine. I am excited for the next time because I'm getting better every go round. I'm choosing better and acting better.

For now, I'm making plans. Big plans. (but also making plans to change those plans....)

February, you've been alot less painful than normal but I'm ready for you to be over.

Thanks.

Goodbye to you

I am lonely.




Does anyone else ever feel that way? An empty ache of loneliness that goes to the core of who you are? While I'm satisfied in my relationship with Christ, He created us to be in fellowship with each other and my community has died in the last two years. The blame belongs to no one but me. I cut myself out of relationships and hid behind school and a new zip code. Keeping a few close, those few have moved or betrayed me to the deepest level. I feel lost, afraid, and alone. Regardless of who I interacted with, I still interacted with many people on a daily basis when I worked with Chris. There was an equal level of social standing and intellect. Now most of my conversations are with little bodies who can't read let alone communicate their passions and struggles. If I was surrounded by a community, a church, something to release into, I could handle it. I cannot do this job without establishing a new foundation. I cannot. Will you pray for me? That I will find men and women that I can pour into / pour into me. I haven't had "real" friends (that I hang out with, go to movies, etc) in at least two years. Friends that didn't come from a convenient working relationship. They didn't care to know me, they only cared because I knew things they wanted to know. It was easy, I let it be my safety net. I didn't have to pursue their friendship or risk getting rejected because at the end of the day we HAD to communicate and be with each other because of how our lives interacted almost daily.


goodbye to you
goodbye to everything I thought I knew

I am changing, less and less asleep.

Happy New Year :)

I know I'm way late on this blog. My days have been consumed with poopy diapers, black eyes (note to self: a two year old and a drum stick as a "sword" are never a good combo. see: my face.), puke, sinus infections, snow days, tears, laughter, Go Dog Go, and immense joy. I started my new job two weeks ago and while the hours are long (12 hours+), I absolutely love it. Every piece. Even when I was cleaning up a 6 year-old's recently eaten mac n cheese, my heart had nothing but compassion for this poor sick little boy. It is everything I never knew I needed. The Lord has provided down to the tiniest details. Financially, emotionally, physically - it is better than I could have hoped. I fall in love with these precious kids more every day. Sometimes I want to tear my hair out, but I'm asking for a gentle heart and patience. Oh Lord grant me infinite patience :) I just want these kids to know they are loved. Not only by me but by their Creator. They need to know that He desires them above anything else and nothing they can ever do or say can change that. This is BY FAR the hardest job I have ever done. It's weird because taking care of 5 kids doesn't seem like it would be that hard of a job but it is an entirely different mindset. I've had to keep my heart in check so many times because this job would humble even the proudest of warriors. I have an entirely new respect for mothers and their ability to raise children. No one prepares you for how hard it can be.

I'm also seeing the changes in my heart and my spirit. I am content. So content and so happy to just be doing life with these people. I miss them on my days off, when I'm away. More than anything else, I've seen how faithful the Lord really is. My heart is so bad at remembering His goodness even though I have a written word I can turn to, to see thousands of years of faithfulness. He knew exactly when my heart needed out. From Day 1 my prayer was for protection. Sometimes protection comes in very very unexpected and sometimes painful ways. It hurt like hell. I don't blame anyone. Not even myself. Until I came to a place of saying, "yes, You are enough and even though I don't think my life is going to turn out this way, You will still be enough even if it does" I couldn't drink from the depths of His healing. Until I was utterly reliant on who He is, I couldn't know the power of His mercy. There was so much about this experience that changed my walk with the Lord. And to be honest, I wouldn't go back to the way things were. I know that every moment where I have been is exactly where I needed to be and I wouldn't change a second. Even to spare the pain.

Anyways - this blog is starting to get full of cliches. It's late and I have lots to do on my day off, plus I am fighting an AWFUL sinus infection. I honestly don't remember the last time I was this sick for so long. This thing has hung on for at least 10 days and I'm barely able to smell, taste or hear things again.

Things I am completely loving:
Tea
DVR
Brooke Fraser
"Single Ladies" - Beyonce
LOST coming back in 3 days
The nanny cottage
John Adams HBO Special
Season 2 of Big Love
Criminal Minds(!!!!)
Lotion Kleenex
Rosebud Salve

Things I NEED to see or do:
Slumdog Millionaire
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Revolutionary Road
Hot Yoga



also. I flushed Caspian and Jabez today. It was really really sad.

that's all.

I've been here a million times.

I can feel myself falling.

I can also feel myself bracing for the impact.

I always do this. I fall for the guy who doesn't fall back.

My heart is JUST starting to mend from the past year and a half. I don't want this. My focus for the next time in my life is NOT this. Taking care of 5 kids is going to be work enough. I don't need to be worrying about having a crush on someone. That's all this is. A crush. He doesn't even know my name. I've never even met him. But chances are, we'll meet. And he'll probably be cuter, funnier, and even more sweet in person. I can feel the walls coming up. All honesty, my heart is wounded from this other guy, the best kind of wound, but a wound nonetheless.

Someday I'll learn. Guys like that don't go for girls like me. And the sooner I learn that, the better off I'll be.

My daughters, I urge you, do not awaken love before it so desires.

Silent night, Holy night.

Merry Christmas Eve. (I wrote this on Christmas Eve on Mountain time fyi)

Tonight we (the fam and some dear friends) went to the evening service and I was reminded why I absolutely love this time of the year. I know every church does the candlelight moment but tonight it felt so holy, so beautiful, that I literally got goosebumps. It was amazing to me how much my life has changed since the last time I stepped foot into that church and took communion four weeks ago. You see friends, last time I was there, my heart was breaking with uncertainty, vulnerability, and humbleness. I didn't know what my future was going to hold and I had accepted that He was enough. Yet, here I am, weeks later, with the most incredible job opportunity. Literally a week ago I got a call from a friend about a nanny position. Within three days I found out about it, interviewed and got the job. THREE DAYS. It's above and beyond what I could have wished for. Everyone I've told about this job is freaking out. Out of sensitivity to the family, I'm not going to share their name or really any details except that it's going to be amazing. God worked out the smallest details - I seriously don't know how I could have gotten a better job. While my heart is still breaking to leave Chris, Steph, the girls, and all our artists, I know that this is right. There is no question in my mind that the Lord's fingerprints are all over this. I am blessed. Blessed blessed blessed. I have so much to be thankful for this Christmas - aside from this amazing job. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to wake up and it's going to be a dream. The only thing that has me a tad uncertain is the fact that I'm going to be staying in Nashville, albeit moving to Franklin. I really thought my time in Nashville was coming to a close, but I guess the Lord has other plans for me :)

On another note, I'm home in Colorado for about a week with the fam. Unfortunately my body isn't cooperating and I came down with a cold/virus of sorts. I had been fighting it the last week or so in Nash but was literally going at 100mph so I think my body was just waiting until I calmed down for a few days. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and stuffy head. Ended up going to bed at 8:30 last night and sleeping until 10:30 this morning! 14 hours of sleep!! I desperately needed it. Lots of Emergen-C and Zicam. Crossing my fingers for a better day tomorrow. Dad, Mike and I are going to try and head up the mountains to get a day of skiing in! Let's hope my little cold goes away for that.

For now it's time for me to head to bed. Wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Remember those who have lost loved ones, are going through a hard time or just need to be prayed for this holiday season.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Sometimes all you can do is grab onto something...

and fall apart.

She looked at me and said, "Are you okay?" My throat was clogged with tears as I nodded. Don't lose it, Mueller. Keep it together. Not here. Not now. And then the first verse of that song was projected onto the screens and I knew I was quickly losing my composure. I grabbed her hand, felt her pull away momentarily and then was engulfed in her strong arms. It was all I could do to bury my heard in her shoulder and sob. Gut wrenching, painful sobs, with tears coming so fast I couldn't tell if they were drops or a small river. She stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe. Moment by moment my breathing evened out and I felt the tears slowing. I lifted my head but stayed in her arms because it was there that I knew everything was going to be okay. It felt purifying. The torrent of tears washed away the debris and cleaned out the wound. For a moment I felt like I could see, like the scabs fell off and the truth of the moment, the pain of the process, the ugliness of my disobedience put into perspective for those few moments. You see after every storm, there comes a time of calm. In every valley there is the faintest hint of light. At some point the darkness begins to lessen and you realize that this too will come to an end. When you're in the storm, shrouded in darkness and terrified, the promise of light and clarity feels like mockery. I stopped listening to those voices. I KNOW it gets easier. I know this goes away. I know all things work together for the good of those that love Him. I. know. Stop telling me. I had to come to a point where I accepted the darkness. My heart had to surrender and lie completely naked, stripped of everything I know or can use as a shield and trust that His plan is better than mine. That my plan a and plan b were less than what I was created for, even if it meant what I'm created for looks nothing like what I want it to. He always promised to provide, just not necessarily the way I hope He will. Do I think the rest of my life will be what my small puzzle piece looks like for the next 6 months? No, I don't. But do I have to accept if that is what brings the most glory to Him then that's what it WILL look like? Yes, I do. And then I heard those three words so gently it was if they had been spoken directly in my ear.

am I enough?

they were so aching, so desperate that I literally stopped what I was doing and paid attention.

i don't know. i whispered. i just don't know.

I was so afraid that if I said He was, I would never get anything I wanted because He would take me up on it. I started to think about it and realized that all of these things I wanted would never satisfy. For so long I let myself believe they made me happy and it hit me. I want Jesus more than I want anything else in this life. For the first time in my entire existence, I can honestly say that - from a place of unwavering certainty and know that He is going to call me to walk through it. I'm not afraid to give up all my dreams because my heart desires Him more than anything else. I tried to satisfy it with wanting to get married and have babies. When that didn't happen, I tried this job that could keep me so busy and wrapped up in it that I could forget the aching emptiness. I thought about some of the exciting things that might happen that would be unbelievable and they still left me longing for Him. Nothing satisfies like He does. It doesn't change the pain of letting go of my dreams and the pain of the things getting taken away. In fact I'm aware of the pain now more than ever. A dear friend told me to think of it like this. Adam didn't realize he needed Eve. He didn't know she was everything that was missing in his life. God put him to sleep, took his rib and created the entire picture. Because we've lost the perfect communion with God, we are no longer able to sleep during the rib removing process. He strips us down, with tears in His eyes, begging us to understand that while this hurts more than anything ever can and we don't think we can endure a single more moment, He is doing so much in our lives. He is completing the big picture, the things we could never have imagined we were missing out on. My heart yelled out, YES! It IS unbearable. This hurts worse than anything I've ever felt. I feel so alone. So desperately alone and afraid. I have to imagine that Adam felt alone too, until he realized that Eve was everything that made him whole.

Today I can say I want Him more than I want anything else in the world. In some ways it's easier to say I want Him more than I want anything else because everything has been taken away. Let's say I get this amazing job, travel the world, and by some chance meet a man who adores me or my life DOES end up only like this little puzzle piece. Will I still be able to say I want Him more than and in spite of all of that? I'm not sure, but I'm really hoping I can.


Psalm 63 1-3a

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life.