Sometimes all you can do is grab onto something...

and fall apart.

She looked at me and said, "Are you okay?" My throat was clogged with tears as I nodded. Don't lose it, Mueller. Keep it together. Not here. Not now. And then the first verse of that song was projected onto the screens and I knew I was quickly losing my composure. I grabbed her hand, felt her pull away momentarily and then was engulfed in her strong arms. It was all I could do to bury my heard in her shoulder and sob. Gut wrenching, painful sobs, with tears coming so fast I couldn't tell if they were drops or a small river. She stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe. Moment by moment my breathing evened out and I felt the tears slowing. I lifted my head but stayed in her arms because it was there that I knew everything was going to be okay. It felt purifying. The torrent of tears washed away the debris and cleaned out the wound. For a moment I felt like I could see, like the scabs fell off and the truth of the moment, the pain of the process, the ugliness of my disobedience put into perspective for those few moments. You see after every storm, there comes a time of calm. In every valley there is the faintest hint of light. At some point the darkness begins to lessen and you realize that this too will come to an end. When you're in the storm, shrouded in darkness and terrified, the promise of light and clarity feels like mockery. I stopped listening to those voices. I KNOW it gets easier. I know this goes away. I know all things work together for the good of those that love Him. I. know. Stop telling me. I had to come to a point where I accepted the darkness. My heart had to surrender and lie completely naked, stripped of everything I know or can use as a shield and trust that His plan is better than mine. That my plan a and plan b were less than what I was created for, even if it meant what I'm created for looks nothing like what I want it to. He always promised to provide, just not necessarily the way I hope He will. Do I think the rest of my life will be what my small puzzle piece looks like for the next 6 months? No, I don't. But do I have to accept if that is what brings the most glory to Him then that's what it WILL look like? Yes, I do. And then I heard those three words so gently it was if they had been spoken directly in my ear.

am I enough?

they were so aching, so desperate that I literally stopped what I was doing and paid attention.

i don't know. i whispered. i just don't know.

I was so afraid that if I said He was, I would never get anything I wanted because He would take me up on it. I started to think about it and realized that all of these things I wanted would never satisfy. For so long I let myself believe they made me happy and it hit me. I want Jesus more than I want anything else in this life. For the first time in my entire existence, I can honestly say that - from a place of unwavering certainty and know that He is going to call me to walk through it. I'm not afraid to give up all my dreams because my heart desires Him more than anything else. I tried to satisfy it with wanting to get married and have babies. When that didn't happen, I tried this job that could keep me so busy and wrapped up in it that I could forget the aching emptiness. I thought about some of the exciting things that might happen that would be unbelievable and they still left me longing for Him. Nothing satisfies like He does. It doesn't change the pain of letting go of my dreams and the pain of the things getting taken away. In fact I'm aware of the pain now more than ever. A dear friend told me to think of it like this. Adam didn't realize he needed Eve. He didn't know she was everything that was missing in his life. God put him to sleep, took his rib and created the entire picture. Because we've lost the perfect communion with God, we are no longer able to sleep during the rib removing process. He strips us down, with tears in His eyes, begging us to understand that while this hurts more than anything ever can and we don't think we can endure a single more moment, He is doing so much in our lives. He is completing the big picture, the things we could never have imagined we were missing out on. My heart yelled out, YES! It IS unbearable. This hurts worse than anything I've ever felt. I feel so alone. So desperately alone and afraid. I have to imagine that Adam felt alone too, until he realized that Eve was everything that made him whole.

Today I can say I want Him more than I want anything else in the world. In some ways it's easier to say I want Him more than I want anything else because everything has been taken away. Let's say I get this amazing job, travel the world, and by some chance meet a man who adores me or my life DOES end up only like this little puzzle piece. Will I still be able to say I want Him more than and in spite of all of that? I'm not sure, but I'm really hoping I can.


Psalm 63 1-3a

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life.