You make all things new...

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through

I'll be found in You.


Thank you Trent for introducing me to Brooke Fraser. I wish I could write like her. She has wrangled all my crazy thoughts and put them down in a more eloquent way than I could ever hope to achieve. My top songwriters? Patty Griffin, Brooke Fraser, Ben Gibbard (DCFC, What Sarah Said- Genius), John Mayer, James Taylor. The end.

Sorry I got side-tracked by my love of words put to melodies.

The last two nights I have been fed spiritually. First by a group of women who I hope to call sisters in the near future. I felt a stirring in my heart to check out this Bible study, an urge, a quiet whisper. The kind you can't ignore as much as you try to take a nap to forget or make other plans. So I went and found what my soul had been craving. Its like I realized I was dying of thirst and these women were offering me water. I'm so excited to see where the Lord takes this. Last night I was challenged by my community group, dear sweet friends who I have let fall to the side as I struggled with papers, rehearsals and other time consuming projects. They loved, supported and prayed for me even while I was absent. ErinFaith, my sweet, fierce, passionate friend was continuing her topic on the awareness of God and encountering Him. I was quickly filled in on the past weeks and learned they had been discussing the reality of God being everywhere. Last night, Erin was on fire. I could see this was a topic that she had so many things to say that she might actually burst. I smiled and prepared to be immersed in her free-thinking but Biblically founded logic. We pulled out numerous Scriptures on encounters with God. All of them vastly different but all encounters nonetheless. Erin mentioned how these people had experiences with God in ordinary and extreme ways. She then asked us how WE experience God, if we even experience God at all. My thought immediately jumped to when I'll have those moments where it just clicks. One more ounce of Truth is revealed to me or I finally understand what a passage is trying to say. My "ah-HA!" moments. But on a more consistent basis: sitting at Fido (or another coffee shop) with my journal, Bible, and a few books. I sit and come before the Throne. This is my time to remove distraction and focus on Him. Do "date" Jesus. But Erin challenged us to a new way. Pick one ordinary thing in your life, something that makes you angry, frustrates you, something you are apathetic to, your favorite song, whatever, and expect God to show up in it. If we really say that HE is everywhere, then we need to pray and expect Him to show up in the mundane.

This freaked me out. I tend to keep my life in neat little boxes and rarely mix them up. Sure, the Lord knows what's in each container and I'll let Him dig through them, but I don't want Him to mix and match this with that. Opening up ordinary moments of my day to an encounter with God is scary and big and needed.

I've been struggling. Struggling with this wilderness and a relationship that perpetuates my feelings of fear that the Lord will fail me right when I need Him most... right when it comes to matters of my heart... to the wellspring of my life and the secret desire I share with none but so desperately want just one to know. My soul woke up, and with that awakening came a scary realization that once it has seen greatness, it can't ever be satisfied with less.

"My daughters, I urge you, do not awaken love before it so desires"

So- I decided to welcome Jesus into my wilderness. To expect Him to show up when I get frustrated with this situation and when anxiety starts to creep into my spirit. In the Practice of the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence says that anxiety is a CHOICE. I choose to become anxious because I lose sight of who I am and the purpose of my life. I allow anxiety to enter when I forget that this life is not about me. So why not beg my Creator to come into my anxiety and be bigger than it? I can't fight it alone, that's for sure.


When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray.


I like books. Its nerdy, I know. But I'm not going to apologize for who I am because it is who I was made to be, and if you don't love that, then another will.

The Beginning.

Getting rid of myspace changed my life. Not really. But sort of. The times I am tempted to waste precious moments of my day, now are re-directed to other tasks, be it productive or indulgent. However, there is one thing I miss about myspace.

Blogs.


Those were my moments to pour out my emotions and rationalize in words what my heart and head so consistently fought against. Reading entries from years ago until the present helped me see how Christ was slowly changing my heart and how my desires were evolving. I became more confidant in who I was. My knowledge of the world increased. I went around the country and experienced things I never could have imagined. More than that, I saw the faithfulness of my Creator. Prayers, petitions, sobs, anger, tears, jubilation, curse words, frustration, peace, surrender. I was able to look back and see where specific things I begged of the Lord, He granted. Sometimes to my relief, and sometimes to my sorrow. I saw petulant child-like behavior that started to understand the Love of the Lord a fraction more.

I've had an exciting life to be sure. One that I wouldn't change for all the monies in the world (that's for you, Janelle). Sure, there are times I wish I would have spoken up and defended myself, or I had kept silent. But the Lord has yet to fail me, so why would I expect Him to now? How dare I even imagine myself of enough consequence that He would defile His character for my insignificant life? Do I do Him a disservice by settling for someone else, when clearly I know I'm settling and no amount of reasoning can disprove that. Do I disobey Him for fear that He will disappoint? How similar I am to the Israelites. My wandering has taken on the same form... "Oh, if only I was back in slavery, at least then I would have had food... surely the Lord can't provide something from nothing." I used to scoff at those Israelites because I knew the end of the story. Redemption and Faithfulnes. Surely I would scoff at my twenty-one year old self once I saw the end of my story for my moments of unbelief.

At some point, peppermint tea started having a calming effect on my over-excitable brain. It all began when my mom brought a hot cup of tea into my room after a boy said some awful things about me. She sat on my bed, stroked my hair, and spoke soothing words over my wounded heart. I drank that tea and fell into a calm sleep. Ever since then, tea has become my go-to in times of doubt, hurt, anxiety, or fear. Sitting at a coffee shop, my eyes brim with tears as I realize I let myself wander back into my wilderness. My wilderness of limiting God and telling Him He's not enough by choosing to settle. I don't think even my favorite cup of tea can heal this one.


Am I worth the fight Lord? Am I worth the battle You have to enter into daily to keep my attention? If You saw what I see, I would expect You to walk away. But that is the beauty in grace and love.... You choose to stay and fight for me. You choose to desire me. You choose me.