I'm staring at the mess I made.

I should have held my ground
I should have spoken up
I should have proudly claimed
that oh my head's to blame for all my heart's mistakes.

I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made

as you turn, you take your heart and walk away.

It's on me now... as you go.

Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever wonder what I'm doing?

I'm sorry - I was so young, so unsure and so afraid.

But I've changed. Come find me.

The familiar ache

I'm packing up my apartment - getting ready to move just a few streets away. I have a love / hate relationship with moving. I love starting over, getting the chance to make new memories, cleaning out the old and closing a door. I hate packing everything up, cleaning my old apartment and the fear of the unknown with the new place. Last night I was going through some old journals and I came across the last entries before I met Tyler, the two after I met him, and the many after my heart was shattered. One in particular stood out. I remember writing it. I had just woken up from the most realistic dream I've ever had. He held my hand, told me he was sorry and that it was all a big misunderstanding. Then he kissed me. When I woke up, I realized it was all a dream, and he was still mad at me. My heart was still broken and I realized I was probably never going to see him again. I wept for hours that day. Hours. This journal entry chronicled the pain. All the things I had loved about him, all the things I missed, all the things that infuriated me, all the things I wanted back. And then I cried for my broken heart. For the months that I spent crying myself to sleep. All I could ask the Lord was if He wept for me too? During that terrible time, did He mourn for my broken heart? I know He did. I know that His tears were mixed in with mine as I laid there unable to breathe. I know He ached with me during the mornings I couldn't get out of bed. I know He knew. He knew...

It's been four years, almost to the day, since I met him. If I could go back to myself during that time all I would tell myself is to be confident in who I was and love without reservation. I wouldn't take back one single moment of that summer, I would only take back the way it fell apart. I should have been honest. I should have been the one to tell him. I should have grabbed him and kissed him when I had the chance. If only... but, I didn't, because that's not who I am. Anchorman was our movie. Wild Ginger was our restaurant. Sundays were our mornings. I have an extraordinary and rare love. And you didn't want it. I hope you're happy now, I really do.

But there is still a tiny bit of me that hopes the ring you gave to her turns her finger green.

Never again - will I kiss you
Never again - will I want to.
Never again - will I love you.

Never.

Jesus, you are enough.

Six months ago I found myself being asked a really tough question...

am I enough?

What those three little words did to change my world. I wrestled and pleaded and tearfully asked the Lord to forgive me when I didn't have an answer. And when the answer came, in the still quiet whisper, I rejoiced and felt confident that He was enough. I wanted Jesus more than my dream job, more than the man I had loved for a year, friends to walk through life with me, or financial stability. I just wanted Him. Knowing that and truly believing it with every fiber of my being allowed me to be free. I threw off the anxiety and trusted that He knew my needs better than I did. When I finally got to that place, pieces started to fall into place. My foundations were solid, the ground was firm, and my heart knew that whatever the cost, whatever the future held, I knew I was loved beyond anything I could ever imagine.

you did it for me
you did it for love
it's your victory,
Jesus, you are enough

I can't even begin to tell you how quickly the things I desired happened. I got an amazing job in a few days, dear friends soon followed, the pain of a shattered heart soon lessened and began to heal, and for the first time in my life I wasn't scraping by. Things were still hard and as life goes, I soon hit another rough patch, but it wasn't nearly as devastating as the first time. I leaned hard into Christ and saw Him show up. Because that's what He does - He shows up. Lately I've noticed thoughts and patterns in my life that aren't what I want them to be. My brain latches onto an idea or an attitude and I run with it. So far that I can't pull myself back. I've wrestled with this forever, especially when it comes to guys I like. My behavior can be so hot and cold. I feel so sorry for them because 90% of the time they have no idea what they've done. I've tried alot of things to take these thoughts captive and really live in freedom and not in death but so far nothing has helped. As I was having a quiet time the other day, I just kept coming back to the concept of resting in who He is and what He's promised to do. It hit me like a ton of bricks - just because I told Jesus He was enough six months ago doesn't mean I still believe it today. Daily I need to take up His cross. Daily, hourly, every second of the day, with every breath, He needs to be enough. I have totally lost sight of that. I hate the behavior in me. I hate the crazy / jealous / manipulative / sinful woman I can be!! He always needs to be enough. Regardless of my circumstances. I need to do a better job of remembering.


God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything