In Repair

John Mayer has always been able to write songs that I relate to in an almost uncanny way. It's probably why he's selling a crap ton of records. I've re-discovered a CD that I burned that has a bunch of songs from Room For Squares, Heavier Things and Continuum. It's a great little mix and it's been on repeat in my car. Recently, I can't get past "In Repair." There is something so fitting about that song and the place I'm in. Slowly but surely I'm beginning my climb up the mountain. Granted I still slide back down but inch by inch it's getting better.

Oh, it's taking so long.
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair


Some big things are happening. Things that six months ago I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle. I still might break down and cry the day away but I know that it won't destroy me.

I asked for a way out - if it wasn't me, then I needed a way out.

I got that way - I just never realized it would wreck my entire life.

That's the amazing/painful/scary/real thing about walking with Jesus. When you give your life to Him, He comes in and wrecks the entire thing. Once the walk REALLY starts, He pulls away at the armor and destroys it piece by piece. What a season of refinement this is...

I'm in repair
I'm not together, but I'm getting there

Numb

I've been operating in the "numb" category for quite some time. Rejection, disappointment and hurt have been my constant companion for awhile now and at some point, I put a wall up. I shut down and didn't want to engage in my relationship with the Lord because I felt so betrayed and forgotten. I don't understand why I've had SEVEN INTERVIEWS with Dave Ramsey and haven't gotten a single offer. I don't understand why everyone else seems to be finding amazing jobs and nothing is coming my way. I don't want this to come across as whiny and complaining - I'm just truly at a loss. I'm in the most vulnerable place I've ever been in. It hurts too much to pray, to hope and be disappointed, to read scripture and see God's faithfulness for everyone but me. This is exactly the place Satan wants me in. To get me hopeless and in the pit of despair.

Today I got a phone call from someone very near and dear to me. At one point he said, "Rachel, I just feel like God wants me to remind you that not only is my love for you unconditional, but God's love is even more so. He loves you and you need to know that." It rocked my world. Tears immediately sprung into my eyes and I couldn't disguise the emotion as I tried to explain how things have been rough for me lately - that I've been in a bad place. It took those few words to encourage my heart in a way that it hasn't felt in months. This is a valley. It's a dark scary place that I've never been in before and it shows no sign of ending anytime soon. But I'm not alone and no matter how afraid or angry I am - I am not alone. I may push and push and push Him away but He knows that every push is a broken cry for Him to hold me tighter and to never ever let go.

Today I felt like a daughter sheltered in her Father's arms.

Today I felt like I could survive another day of vulnerability.

Today it didn't hurt as bad.

Today - I felt hope.