Love, save the empty.

I loved you.

For a really long time.

To the capacity that I knew how to love, I loved you.

And you chose someone else. I should have known long ago when I first noticed her name creep up in conversation. But I was naive and believed there was a chance for us. A chance to be known and loved for the first time. I've come to accept it. I knew from the very beginning that it was going to end one of two ways, you were going to fall in love with me or fall in love with someone else.

Now I wonder if I loved you or the idea of you.

It doesn't change all those butterflies I felt or the tears I cried, it just makes me wonder if there is something out there that is so much more than I can imagine. I am excited for the next time because I'm getting better every go round. I'm choosing better and acting better.

For now, I'm making plans. Big plans. (but also making plans to change those plans....)

February, you've been alot less painful than normal but I'm ready for you to be over.

Thanks.

Goodbye to you

I am lonely.




Does anyone else ever feel that way? An empty ache of loneliness that goes to the core of who you are? While I'm satisfied in my relationship with Christ, He created us to be in fellowship with each other and my community has died in the last two years. The blame belongs to no one but me. I cut myself out of relationships and hid behind school and a new zip code. Keeping a few close, those few have moved or betrayed me to the deepest level. I feel lost, afraid, and alone. Regardless of who I interacted with, I still interacted with many people on a daily basis when I worked with Chris. There was an equal level of social standing and intellect. Now most of my conversations are with little bodies who can't read let alone communicate their passions and struggles. If I was surrounded by a community, a church, something to release into, I could handle it. I cannot do this job without establishing a new foundation. I cannot. Will you pray for me? That I will find men and women that I can pour into / pour into me. I haven't had "real" friends (that I hang out with, go to movies, etc) in at least two years. Friends that didn't come from a convenient working relationship. They didn't care to know me, they only cared because I knew things they wanted to know. It was easy, I let it be my safety net. I didn't have to pursue their friendship or risk getting rejected because at the end of the day we HAD to communicate and be with each other because of how our lives interacted almost daily.


goodbye to you
goodbye to everything I thought I knew