I was talking to one of my best friends - Krystin - the other night and we were talking about where God has us both right now. She's in Texas right now, which has sucked, and we were both trying to make sense of why she's there. I started to think about it and said somethings to her which I realized where actually aimed more at my own spiritual wilderness than anyones. I've been in an interesting place for the last six months. I've let myself wander back into the desert. I can blame it on busy-ness, frustration, my circumstances or anything else for that matter, but what it comes down to is laziness and pride. I have been LAZY in my walk. And prideful to think I have orchestrated my circumstances. So all of that to say, when I think about the Israelites and how my own life mirrors theirs in so many ways, I realized that while God let them wander for 40 years, complaining, blaming Him, lost, confused, hurting... He still provided the manna. Regardless of their hearts or attitudes, He provided sustenance for them to continue and a miracle. Now I certainly don't want to wander for the next 40 years, I need to realized that He'll provide the manna regardless of where my heart is - in the desert or in the promised land.
What it comes down to is I really need to say I'm sorry.
To alot of people - and if you're one of them, then I'm so so sorry.
You're gonna break my heart anyway-
So just leave the pieces when you go.
ps. I totally have a crush on Prince Caspian.
pps. and I totally got another fish - and named him Caspian.
;)
5.26.2008
5.17.2008
I thought I was supposed to be smarter?
SO I graduated?
Not sure if you knew that or not - i didn't drop any subtle hints or anything (*ahem*countdownpicturesstatus). I seriously cannot believe it is over...
But I feel sort of cheated. I thought going to college meant I got all the answers, but what I've realized is that the answers are just more questions. Confusing. I know.
Such a bizarre time. The one thing I've used to identify myself in society has been taken away. I no longer claim "student" as my occupation. Where is my place in this city, my church, my relationships? How do I take this new role and redefine who I think I have become to fit a new person. Who do I want to be? The more I try to be what I think I want, the more I have to laugh at myself and just give up. I will never be that girl - that's got to be okay. I'm not mysterious and charming. I'm simple. Transparent. Loving. Vulnerable. Thank you Dave Barnes for writing the song "When a Heart Breaks" - my favorite line maybe ever written in a song: "Does something unrequited mean it can never be?" Oh how I wish I was a gifted lyricist.
Regardless of that - I'm excited for this time to be free. Free to travel, discover, explore. I can do whatever I want!!! Such freedom and responsibility :)
Buy DCFC "Narrow Stairs" and go see "Prince Caspian" - not to be bossy, but they are worth it :)
Not sure if you knew that or not - i didn't drop any subtle hints or anything (*ahem*countdownpicturesstatus). I seriously cannot believe it is over...
But I feel sort of cheated. I thought going to college meant I got all the answers, but what I've realized is that the answers are just more questions. Confusing. I know.
Such a bizarre time. The one thing I've used to identify myself in society has been taken away. I no longer claim "student" as my occupation. Where is my place in this city, my church, my relationships? How do I take this new role and redefine who I think I have become to fit a new person. Who do I want to be? The more I try to be what I think I want, the more I have to laugh at myself and just give up. I will never be that girl - that's got to be okay. I'm not mysterious and charming. I'm simple. Transparent. Loving. Vulnerable. Thank you Dave Barnes for writing the song "When a Heart Breaks" - my favorite line maybe ever written in a song: "Does something unrequited mean it can never be?" Oh how I wish I was a gifted lyricist.
Regardless of that - I'm excited for this time to be free. Free to travel, discover, explore. I can do whatever I want!!! Such freedom and responsibility :)
Buy DCFC "Narrow Stairs" and go see "Prince Caspian" - not to be bossy, but they are worth it :)
5.01.2008
May Day
May is one of my favorite months.
After I got out of the private school, May meant the end of school and the beginning of summer vacation. May also holds my parents' birthday (yes, both of them, May 9th), the coming of warmer weather and some sort of transition between one year to the next. My calendar years have always started in August or September and ended in May. May now holds the anniversary of my grandpa's death. While I don't mourn now like I did then, my heart still catches at the fact that he won't be in the crowd to cheer me on as I walk across the stage to receive my diploma. He would have been so proud. I am so blessed to have three other grandparents, both of my parents and my youngest brother there to support me. I wish I could soak this all in. I don't think I understand the significance of this season and I desperately wish I could make time stop and examine it from all angles. My heart and emotions are so disconnected from my physical body right now. I'm living through my to-do list without taking time to appreciate the memories and the last moments of childhood. Is this the time when one finally moves from child to adult? Do we ever move from child to adult? Depending on the weather I can feel like a confidant young women or a scared kid who has fooled the world into letting her be on her own. The uncertainties in my heart don't add to my confidence right now. I want this to be over, but I want it all back. The only thing I would have done differently in my college career would be to study abroad. I love traveling so much that I should have taken advantage of Belmont's programs. I feared that being away for a semester would have impaired my ability to get an internship. Who knows. The past four years have been some of the best. I finally gained freedom and started to see my parents as PEOPLE and not dictators of my life. I can't remember the last screaming match my mother and I got into :) This isn't to say we don't argue, but rather I've learned how to communicate with them. I've also realized how selfish I am. I'm constantly amazed that they love me in spite of everything. I would have upgraded for a new Rachel 20 years ago :)
My mom and I had a discussion about boys about a month ago and she made a comment that really ticked me off. Basically what I heard her saying was that I wasn't worthy of this type of boy that I'm attracted to. I eventually started getting so angry and hurt that I ended the conversation before I started "spitting fire." She called back later to apologize. She in fact was trying to communicate the opposite of what I was hearing, that that type of boy isn't worthy of ME. Reflecting on it, I feel honored that my mother sees this. She has seen me at my worst. In the darkest moments of my life and knows me better than I might even know myself. For her to love me and still think me worthy of love blows my mind. My dad too - we've had some pretty intense arguments over the last 15 years and he still speaks highly of me. I guess it just amazes me that they see any good in me.
Someday I will start to learn that my Father only sees the good in me too. What will it take for the barriers to break down and I'll stop assuming I'm guilty and worthless? When do I stop listening to the lies singing over me? How do I make the shift in my brain to know that I am loved unabashedly? All these thoughts race through my brain all day long.
I really need to get a new prayer journal.
2 Finals
Moving
Birthday Party
Babysitting
Church Membership Class
Baja Date with Santos
Work
Oil Change
Numerous phone calls
and countless other things I have forgotten
until May 10th :)
ps. I reaalllly want to see the new "Narnia" movie
pps. you should really go buy Josh Wilson's new album, "Trying to Fit the Ocean In a Cup" <---it is really really good. I've had it for 4 months and am STILL listening to it!
After I got out of the private school, May meant the end of school and the beginning of summer vacation. May also holds my parents' birthday (yes, both of them, May 9th), the coming of warmer weather and some sort of transition between one year to the next. My calendar years have always started in August or September and ended in May. May now holds the anniversary of my grandpa's death. While I don't mourn now like I did then, my heart still catches at the fact that he won't be in the crowd to cheer me on as I walk across the stage to receive my diploma. He would have been so proud. I am so blessed to have three other grandparents, both of my parents and my youngest brother there to support me. I wish I could soak this all in. I don't think I understand the significance of this season and I desperately wish I could make time stop and examine it from all angles. My heart and emotions are so disconnected from my physical body right now. I'm living through my to-do list without taking time to appreciate the memories and the last moments of childhood. Is this the time when one finally moves from child to adult? Do we ever move from child to adult? Depending on the weather I can feel like a confidant young women or a scared kid who has fooled the world into letting her be on her own. The uncertainties in my heart don't add to my confidence right now. I want this to be over, but I want it all back. The only thing I would have done differently in my college career would be to study abroad. I love traveling so much that I should have taken advantage of Belmont's programs. I feared that being away for a semester would have impaired my ability to get an internship. Who knows. The past four years have been some of the best. I finally gained freedom and started to see my parents as PEOPLE and not dictators of my life. I can't remember the last screaming match my mother and I got into :) This isn't to say we don't argue, but rather I've learned how to communicate with them. I've also realized how selfish I am. I'm constantly amazed that they love me in spite of everything. I would have upgraded for a new Rachel 20 years ago :)
My mom and I had a discussion about boys about a month ago and she made a comment that really ticked me off. Basically what I heard her saying was that I wasn't worthy of this type of boy that I'm attracted to. I eventually started getting so angry and hurt that I ended the conversation before I started "spitting fire." She called back later to apologize. She in fact was trying to communicate the opposite of what I was hearing, that that type of boy isn't worthy of ME. Reflecting on it, I feel honored that my mother sees this. She has seen me at my worst. In the darkest moments of my life and knows me better than I might even know myself. For her to love me and still think me worthy of love blows my mind. My dad too - we've had some pretty intense arguments over the last 15 years and he still speaks highly of me. I guess it just amazes me that they see any good in me.
Someday I will start to learn that my Father only sees the good in me too. What will it take for the barriers to break down and I'll stop assuming I'm guilty and worthless? When do I stop listening to the lies singing over me? How do I make the shift in my brain to know that I am loved unabashedly? All these thoughts race through my brain all day long.
I really need to get a new prayer journal.
2 Finals
Moving
Birthday Party
Babysitting
Church Membership Class
Baja Date with Santos
Work
Oil Change
Numerous phone calls
and countless other things I have forgotten
until May 10th :)
ps. I reaalllly want to see the new "Narnia" movie
pps. you should really go buy Josh Wilson's new album, "Trying to Fit the Ocean In a Cup" <---it is really really good. I've had it for 4 months and am STILL listening to it!
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