When the enemy attacks.

"There has been an accident."

Those words strike fear in anyone's heart. Unfortunately, such were the words I read on Saturday morning about 8:15am. I was all ready to get up, shower, and head to a massage (compliments of my sweet roommate), when I noticed I had a new email. The subject line "Starfield Accident" gripped my heart with fear. I opened the email from my boss and started reading. Initially I thought something not terribly major had happened until I read the details of the accident. The floor collapsed. 60 people fell 10 feet through into the basement. The pipes burst and started pouring water into the hole. The lighting truss started swaying and fell. Finally, the speakers gave way. He reassured us (his family, wife and myself) that he and the band were okay. Shaken, but okay. I had no idea what to do. This was the second night of the tour! This isn't supposed to happen to us, were my first thoughts. The first news reports started trickling in, expect mass casualties, it is a miracle people got out alive, there were wires running the length of the floor where it collapsed. The "why" question was screaming out in my head. I felt completely helpless. I finally talked to my boss' wife and she reassured me that while everyone was shaken, it seemed to be the best case scenario for the worst case scenario. 40 people were injured, 3 in critical condition. One has been released while two remain in critical. I beg of you friends, pray for them. One is a mother who took her children to the Starfield show. While we are SO thankful that no one died, this is a grave situation.

Praise the Lord that Tim saw the lights start to go and yelled for people to get out of the way.
Praise the Lord that Chris was in Canada when this happened.
Praise the Lord David and Tim were able to jump down into the hole and start pulling people out as soon as it happened.
Praise the Lord for the quick responses of medical personnel.
Praise the Lord no was electrocuted.


Friends - please petition the throne for those still injured, wisdom for all those involved, and for the tour to regain their confidence. We will not let the enemy keep us down!!

I just can't sleep on this tonight.

It is 2:30am. I have class in 5 hours and 30 minutes. WHY am I awake!!! My body has been like this for many nights. Awake until all hours of the morning. Its not like I sleep in either. I'm wearing myself out, I just want to rest.

This hurts too much
It is too much for me to handle

please. where are You?

How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me.

Its like a book elegantly bound
but in a language you can't read, just yet.
You've gotta spend some time, love. You've gotta spend time with me.

Are you kidding me? I thought "Such Great Heights" was one of the best songs probably written but the new Death Cab For Cutie single, "I Will Possess Your Heart" is freaking unbelievable. If you haven't heard it, stop reading this and go download it on iTunes. Amazing.

Anyways.

Graduation is 3 weeks from tomorrow. I feel so unprepared. Like all of a sudden it snuck up on me. I have a sinking feeling that I haven't done something or haven't fulfilled some requirement and I'm going to get onstage and they are going to deny me a diploma. Oh gosh. How embarrassing would THAT be? I'm so excited to be joining Chris full time at the company. I completely believe in and support our artists and what Chris is doing. I am SO blessed to have this job. I know I gush about it alot but its truly my dream job. I think all the changes have made me a little scared. I'm trying to trust in, "so do not fear, you are more valuable than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:31). So much change and so much responsibility. For the first time in my life I'm completely on my own. I'm really afraid of failing. That's probably been my biggest fear is failure or letting my parents down. I know my own weaknesses and shortcomings better than anyone else and while others have confidence in me, I tend to not see any of the good they do. I also need to remember that is scary and uncertain season is just that. A season. I know He is in the details. But because I'm human and sinful I question how the details work out. When I have quiet nights like tonight my brain tends to freak out and overreact. I'll think myself into a tizzy and convince myself that I should just move back to Colorado Springs and move back into my parent's house... or marry some random Joe Shmoe off the street for security. I'm constantly fighting the battle to pursue best and wait for the Lord to reveal himself in big ways. I'm scared to commit to a financial gift to a church. I want to do it but I'm scared. I still feel so young in so many ways but also so old. Where is the happy medium? :)

I'm always learning when it comes to you. I think I have You figured out one minute and then You go and do something to completely blow my mind and change my opinion. Things feel better in my life when You speak truth into my soul. I need someone to call me out of my BS, make me strive for excellence as a woman and not just as a friend, sister, and daughter. You stir my heart in a completely different way. I feel sorry for the one who has to measure up to You.


i can't do this.
i can't do this
i can't do this by myself
i can't do this
i can't do this
i can't do this, oh God I need Your help.


i'm yours.


ps. I lit my kitchen on fire today. it's a long story...

Eagle Vs. Shark

I'm sitting amidst a pile of laundry thinking about this weekend. Despite the cold, it has been one of my favorites. I had forgotten what its like to just enjoy time off. I had a list of things to get accomplished and while I did a few and started a few more, I feel no remorse on spending my weekend relaxing. 90% of my projects have been turned in, I have two more convocations to go to, my graduation announcements are done, I have a place to live (that I can start moving into soon), saw two amazing movies, attended a bridal shower where we laughed for hours, and went on a five mile jog / run. I haven't run since spring break when I re-injured a stress fracture and bought new running shoes in the same week :). Unfortunately the shoes didn't solve the problem although they allowed me go further than I thought. Plus the weather was gorgeous.

Attended my first bridal shower of the season. I didn't cry - although I was tempted to. Somehow the shower ended up being a "Rachel's Most Embarrassing Moments" fest. But, most of those stories involved the beautiful bride-to-be so I was happy to oblige. Better at the shower than the reception :) I've been with Susan from the very first date until the engagement. I love watching the Lord work things out in His perfect season.


I feel like I'm moving into a fun season. Now that I see the end in sight and my job becoming full-time soon after, I'm so encouraged. The past 3 months have felt longer than any I have ever endured. I'm ending college on such a positive note. I'm setting goals that I can accomplish, getting my own bathroom, moving to a new part of town, praying about becoming a member at Grace, getting to know some amazing new people, spending time with friends that I love, and praying for a potential opportunity to fulfill a dream.

I talked to my parents tonight. My dad uttered six words that made the past four years worth it. "We are so proud of you." The joy I got from making my earthly parents proud was unspeakable. They have given me so much and all I want to do is bring them joy. How much more should this be for my Heavenly Father? What delight He must take when I actually start to try to make Him proud. :) As I grow up I see so many parallels between my parents love for me and the Father's love for me. What I once thought of as burdens were actually blessings designed to protect me.

Today - all is right in my heart. Today I am obeying and trusting Him. Today all I can utter is thanks. I can't promise tomorrow that my heart will be full of joy but today it is.

Things I am thankful for**:

1) My sweet family
2) His grace
3) My roommates (past, present and future)
4) My community
5) Pei Wei
6) Baja Burrito
7) A chance to grow deeper in my walk
8) Finding my favorite perfume that I thought was discontinued - on sale!
9) A new apartment complex
10) My brother going to prom!!
11) Friends in Chicago, Colorado, and Nashville.
12) The women who pour into my life.
13) Truth
14) My job
15) The Nichols Family
16) Mint gum
17) Peanut M&Ms
18) Skinny vanilla lattes
19) Running shoes
20) Email
21) "I Will Possess Your Heart"
22) Starfield: "I Will Go"
23) Jeff Deyo: "Unveil"
24) Josh Wilson: "Trying To Fit The Ocean In A Cup"
25) Future of Forestry: "Twilight"




** not in order of importance.

I'm learning to live in the moment. I am not promised tomorrow so why should I worry about it? He is in the details

Hallelujah

ps. Eagle vs. Shark = really good

Please Don't Crush Me...

This song pretty much sums up life right now for me:


There's a mountain
Here before me
And I'm gonna climb it
with strength not my own

And He's gonna meet me
where the mountain beats me
And carry me through
Carry me through

There's a river
Here before me
And I'm gonna cross it
With strength not my own

He's gonna save me
When the river takes me
And carry me through
Carry me through


But Lord, be gentle
I'm just a man
Please don't crush me
with heavenly hands
Oh Lord remember
I've tried so hard
I'm walking towards the kingdom Lord


There's a city
here before me
And I'm gonna get there
with strength not my own

He's gonna carry me
when I get weary
And Carry me through
Carry me through


Oh Lord Be gentle
I'm just a man
Please don't crush me
with heavenly hands
Oh Lord Remember
I've tried so hard
I'm walking towards the kingdom Lord

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Carry me through

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Oh sweet Lord

Carry me through



-Thank you Dave Barnes-

ps. if you don't have it, get it NOW. on itunes. I think its like $5.99

for realsy.

Many the Miles...

Today - I (along with 5 fantastic guys) gave the last major presentation of my academic career. I felt the tension drain from my shoulders as we realized we were no longer on the chopping block but had successfully proved our point, at least we hoped. For a split second I panicked. What do I do now? Granted I haven't received that little piece of paper from Belmont that certifies me a "graduate," but I have essentially finished. I pushed the slightly hysterical thoughts from my brain and focused on walking outside on the wet pavement in high heels (thanks, Jonathan!!). I came home, changed, went to work, plopped down at my desk and began sifting through tasks. The past few sleepless nights finally caught up to me and I could barely hold my head up, let alone coherently decipher website formats. Somehow I made it through the day without causing too many mistakes (I hope, sorry Chris!). Ended up at dinner with some of my favorite people - had to leave a little early to get to David's Bridal for a bridesmaid dress before they closed. As I was driving home, Sara Bareilles came up on my cd and memories of the past four years started flashing through my mind. I drove past old places I used to live and realized I lived four very different experiences with each one. I feel like each year was a different life. I was a different person with each new roommate and situation. As Brooke Fraser puts it: "I am changing, less and less asleep, made of different stuff than when I began." How true that is. How different I am today than the young seventeen year old who left Colorado Springs, wide eyed and eager to change the world in 2004. In some ways, I am still the same. I still get lost in books and find solace in peppermint tea. I still talk to my mom almost every day. I still laugh at the simplest things. I still want to be a wife and mother above all else. I find it amusing that the majority of my friends came into school wanting a career and not wanting to get married for awhile, while the opposite was true for me - I am the only one who ended up with a career before graduating and no immediate prospects of matrimony erstwhile buying bridesmaid dresses for the exact ones who didn't want that life. I always get so dang reflective at the end of a season. This one is scary. For once in my life I'll be supporting myself completely...and that's exactly what my life will become about, aside from the deeper theological "my life is not my own" etc, I am working to make my life exist. Does that make sense? I'm going to a job every day so I can eat lunch, pay my water bill, and hopefully survive better than I do now. The gravity of that situation is just starting to sink in. Alas.

On another note- my computer is completely on the fritz. I'm amazed that I have been able to type this entire blog out. Such a nightmare...I have a date with the Genius Bar tomorrow. Gah. The last thing I need.

I'm still digging into John lately. I love reading books of the Bible and passages that I think I've read a thousand times and get kicked in the butt by. Seriously. The Lord has been convicting me on basically every aspect of my life. And it sucks. Part of me just doesn't even want to deal with it right now. I don't want to change my behavior because it is so inconvenient to life, I need that extra half an hour of sleep instead of getting up to have a quiet time, whatever my excuses may be, they still come down to one little thing: Pride. Pastor Scott has been going through a series on Wisdom lately. In one of his previous sermons he said that there are two types of pride. The outright rebellious, putting my foot down, throwing a temper tantrum, willful pride, and the one that most of us struggle with without even realizing it. The pride of quiet neglect. When I don't read my Bible I'm telling God my wisdom is better than His.

Seriously? wooow. I'm STILL processing what that looks like. I'm so prone to live in the future, to live in the "when I get my act together then I will ____ " how foolish and arrogant of me. Its like I actually think I can rely upon myself to sustain breath in my body.



I've also realized that while I may love someone, my ability to love is limited because being IN love with someone is a two way street. I don't think I can actually be in love with someone unless they love me back. Being in his city hurt - after almost three years you would think the pain would be gone. While it has lessoned, I occasionally feel the pang of what might have been.



So needless to say-I've been learning a few things lately.



How far do I have to go to get to You?
Many the miles...