I don't like being human today. My body hurts, I'm ready to drop from exhaustion, my heart hurts and I just need a good cry. My heart is breaking for so many people today.
Pray for us, will you?
Pray that God will step in and be a great Healer.
Pray that He shows up and all is not lost.
Pray that He has grace and mercy.
My heart is aching.
8.22.2008
8.01.2008
Happy August!
I've discovered a few things about myself as I get older. At the ripe old age of (almost) 22, here is what I've allowed myself to acknowledge.
1) I don't like summer. I don't like heat and humidity. A few jaunts into the warmth and sunshine a couple times a year are all I need to be quite content. Fall is my season of choice. I would much rather wake up to gloomy and rainy. Which is precisely why I ask myself from Mid-April until early October why I live in Nashville.
2) I'm messy. Mom - if you're reading this I'm really sorry, but I haven't cleaned my room in a really long time. I value many more things above a clean room. Like helping my best friend punch 350 holes into her wedding programs. But about once a month I'll go into a cleaning frenzy, deep clean, and vow to never let it get that messy again which it inevitably does.
3) I get embarrassed easily. For myself, my friends, complete strangers. I FEEL probably more than the average person. I can't help it. I often live in extremes - but sometimes its better to feel intense joy or pain than to feel numbness.
4) I'm trying to live with no regrets. This harkens back to number three with getting embarrassed easily. Seriously - ask my family about the things I used to do as a child. I lived in some other world and had no shame in anything up until puberty kicked in and one becomes extremely self-aware of one's own awkwardness (which I still haven't outgrown by the way). I've done some pretty ridiculous things and my new mantra is to live with no regrets. Each awkward situation, each moment where I inserted foot in mouth, each time I spoke up when I should have remained silent, has in some way shaped a little piece of who I am.
5) I'm not super outdoors-y. My mother grew up camping and fishing for every vacation. She grew so tired of it that she swore to herself to never make her children do it. My dad grew up in Los Angeles and Southern Arizona. He did the required "boy camp outdoor" things but it never attracted his interest. So needless to say, I grew up in Hiltons, Embassy Suites, vacations in Hawaii, Europe and Mexico. The closest I've come to "roughing it" is staying in a camping cabin in South Dakota with a working bathroom, kitchen and air conditioning. I think I attempted one night in a tent in our backyard as a child but fear of evil squirrels and bears (we lived in Chicago... - but that fear was much more justifiable once we moved to Colorado) drove me and my friends into the house. Living in Colorado I started to have a little more tolerance for woods and bugs and nature but it wouldn't be my "vacation" of choice. I've always wanted to be that Northfleece, Nalgene, Teva, all natural, rock climbing girl. But I'm just not. And that's okay. My idea of vacation is sitting at home watching movies, drinking tea, or laying on a beach or exploring old cities. I see beauty in the significance of places - the old cathedrals in London, the palace in Versailles, the underground catacombs in Rome. Those adventures energize me. Hiking the AT doesn't really catch my fancy.
6) I'm not a morning person. There is nothing appealing to me about 6 am. 6 am runs, quiet times, homework, reading. Nothing. If you've seen me in the morning you know I don't really function for the first 45-60 minutes I'm awake. I don't like people to talk to me, ask questions, greet me, etc. I just want to slowly wake up .
I'm learning to embrace these things. I can't hide them anymore or change my preferences to accommodate a boy I like or friends I want to impress. I talked with one of my dear best friends yesterday about a major life / job decision she has to make. And all I could say was this. You get to spend your life any way you want. You decide that. But you only get to spend it once. Do you want to spend it building up a title and a name to impress people with or do you want to spend it doing something you absolutely love that generally doesn't have as much societal respect. Both are fine choices but you only get to choose to spend it once.
I'm learning how to do that. I'm learning how to spend my life the way I doing the things I want to do and not what society expects of me. Because I can't borrow on credit :)
What are you doing to spend your life on?
1) I don't like summer. I don't like heat and humidity. A few jaunts into the warmth and sunshine a couple times a year are all I need to be quite content. Fall is my season of choice. I would much rather wake up to gloomy and rainy. Which is precisely why I ask myself from Mid-April until early October why I live in Nashville.
2) I'm messy. Mom - if you're reading this I'm really sorry, but I haven't cleaned my room in a really long time. I value many more things above a clean room. Like helping my best friend punch 350 holes into her wedding programs. But about once a month I'll go into a cleaning frenzy, deep clean, and vow to never let it get that messy again which it inevitably does.
3) I get embarrassed easily. For myself, my friends, complete strangers. I FEEL probably more than the average person. I can't help it. I often live in extremes - but sometimes its better to feel intense joy or pain than to feel numbness.
4) I'm trying to live with no regrets. This harkens back to number three with getting embarrassed easily. Seriously - ask my family about the things I used to do as a child. I lived in some other world and had no shame in anything up until puberty kicked in and one becomes extremely self-aware of one's own awkwardness (which I still haven't outgrown by the way). I've done some pretty ridiculous things and my new mantra is to live with no regrets. Each awkward situation, each moment where I inserted foot in mouth, each time I spoke up when I should have remained silent, has in some way shaped a little piece of who I am.
5) I'm not super outdoors-y. My mother grew up camping and fishing for every vacation. She grew so tired of it that she swore to herself to never make her children do it. My dad grew up in Los Angeles and Southern Arizona. He did the required "boy camp outdoor" things but it never attracted his interest. So needless to say, I grew up in Hiltons, Embassy Suites, vacations in Hawaii, Europe and Mexico. The closest I've come to "roughing it" is staying in a camping cabin in South Dakota with a working bathroom, kitchen and air conditioning. I think I attempted one night in a tent in our backyard as a child but fear of evil squirrels and bears (we lived in Chicago... - but that fear was much more justifiable once we moved to Colorado) drove me and my friends into the house. Living in Colorado I started to have a little more tolerance for woods and bugs and nature but it wouldn't be my "vacation" of choice. I've always wanted to be that Northfleece, Nalgene, Teva, all natural, rock climbing girl. But I'm just not. And that's okay. My idea of vacation is sitting at home watching movies, drinking tea, or laying on a beach or exploring old cities. I see beauty in the significance of places - the old cathedrals in London, the palace in Versailles, the underground catacombs in Rome. Those adventures energize me. Hiking the AT doesn't really catch my fancy.
6) I'm not a morning person. There is nothing appealing to me about 6 am. 6 am runs, quiet times, homework, reading. Nothing. If you've seen me in the morning you know I don't really function for the first 45-60 minutes I'm awake. I don't like people to talk to me, ask questions, greet me, etc. I just want to slowly wake up .
I'm learning to embrace these things. I can't hide them anymore or change my preferences to accommodate a boy I like or friends I want to impress. I talked with one of my dear best friends yesterday about a major life / job decision she has to make. And all I could say was this. You get to spend your life any way you want. You decide that. But you only get to spend it once. Do you want to spend it building up a title and a name to impress people with or do you want to spend it doing something you absolutely love that generally doesn't have as much societal respect. Both are fine choices but you only get to choose to spend it once.
I'm learning how to do that. I'm learning how to spend my life the way I doing the things I want to do and not what society expects of me. Because I can't borrow on credit :)
What are you doing to spend your life on?
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