I can convince myself on just about anything...
No really - I'm amazing at it. I should probably go into sales with my ability to persuade and reason. My roommate jokes that my logic makes no sense whatsoever to anyone but me. Which is probably true and why I would most likely fail at sales... I partially blame my dad. He has this innate ability to see what he wants and go about getting it. He is amazing. My dad is probably the best man I know. But I digress. This blog isn't fully about him.
My dad taught me how to reason, why I needed facts to back up my data and ultimately reward for proving myself. I was never or at most very rarely given anything just because I wanted it. I appreciate this aspect of my childhood. My parents made us work to get things or give them logical arguments why we needed them. This has been the case in every aspect of my life, from the little things like buying new clothes or going out to eat, to the big stuff, like college or buying a car. I have to do research, present the best options and be fully prepared to defend my reasoning.
The most recent conversation we've had? Getting a Blackberry. I've been looking at these pretty little things for some time now and as soon as I saw the shiny new red one, I knew it was a NEED. Last summer I toyed with the idea of getting one but decided it was better to wait because I didn't know what the future held as far as my career or my need for one. I fought with my parents and used the "I'm an adult and I can do what I want" line. Their swift rebuttal? "And how do you plan to pay for that?" quickly silenced my plea. Yesterday I finally caved. Verizon and I went through a nasty little divorce which will cost me approximately $140 in fees to say goodbye to. I didn't care, I needed the Blackberry. In fact, I wanted it so badly, I settled for the Titanium one instead of the red one. I might go back and swap it out in thirty days. That remains to be seen.
As I was lying in bed wondering two things. 1) If I could get a snow day... which I technically didn't but decided to take anyways and 2) What was the next thing I was going to "need."
Before the Blackberry I needed a new car. Ok, that was legit. And then Paul's words hit me like a brick. "I have LEARNED to be content whatever the circumstances..." It got me thinking. Would I be content if I didn't have my blackberry, a working phone, running water or a $100,000 degree (almost)? That's a hard question to ask. Usually I freak out once every three months or so and question every aspect of my life. The most consistent theme is the one of what am I doing? I get restless and feel my life isn't serving a purpose unless I am either in Africa or India serving sweet AIDS babies or married and keeping house. My heart grows discontented with where I'm at. But clearly I'm in this season for something, right? This awkward season of still being sort of financially dependent on my parents, wishing I could spend all day at work instead of classes and convos and seminars and tests and homework. The uncertainty of where I'm going to live come May 11th, of how I will make a living by myself. And yet these words speak, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God and peace which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." Amen, amen. Now how do I begin to LIVE that?
I know these are jumbled thoughts and most of the time they don't make much sense... I can tell you three different occasions I've tried to learn this lesson but my mind always goes back to, "well, when I have THIS... THEN I will be content..."
No. no more. I need to be content right now, as a poor, single, college student, living in a rundown home, that has a possum living inside the walls and an electric bill that is too high.
Grant me this contentment, O Lord.
2.21.2008
Can the homeless be picky?
On Tuesday night I had an interesting encounter that not only made me laugh but also seriously question my heart and how my actions do (or don't) show Jesus.
I was driving down Wedgewood towards my Bible Study and I came to 12th Avenue. This part of 12th can be shady and generally I try not to stop at the gas station or be around there too late at night. I looked over and saw a man in a wheelchair who I assumed to be homeless. My heart instantly softened when I thought about how cold it was and how blessed I was to be in my warm car. My first thought was to pick him up and drive him to a shelter. Words of advice from friends (many many friends) halted that thought and begged me to try again. My next thought was to buy him coffee. It then occurred to me that he probably hadn't eaten in awhile, so I should just grab a hot meal for him. I pull up to the drive through at Mrs. Winners (keep in mind I have never been here before) and ask if they have some sort of Chicken sandwich thing. I can't understand the woman but she recommends something so I tell her that's fine and ask for a large coffee. "We don't have coffee at this time." I check my watch, three minutes until eight pm. What in the world? Why wouldn't they have coffee? "Fine... just give me... uh?? a Coke?" I grab the food and drive back to the corner where I saw the man. I'm secretly hoping he won't be there so I don't have to actually face him. I pull into the gas station and pull as close to the man as I can without driving on the grass. I lock my car and walk over to the man. My heart is pounding and my palms are slightly sweaty. I'm sending up numerous silent prayers begging the Lord to keep me safe and for the food to be met with happiness not awkwardness. I approach timidly but confidently and ask him if he's hungry. He flashes a decayed toothy smile at me and says he is. I awkwardly offer the chicken and tell him it isn't much but I thought it might help. He is overcome. I then start to ramble about the whole coffee fiasco and I was sorry it wasn't something warm to drink but I have a coke instead. He looks at me and says, "Oh! I don't drink Coke. I don't drink any carbonated beverages." This stops me in my tracks. What?! A homeless man is being PICKY? He's HOMELESS! He might not get another meal for who knows how long. I scramble trying to not let my shock be seen but as most of you know, my face basically reveals whatever emotion I'm feeling regardless of how hard I try to stop it. I start to leave desperate to get out of the awkward situation and realizing that I'm not exactly safe, standing on the corner of Wedgewood and 12th with my purse in my car. He reaches out his hand to me and says, "God bless you... I'm Tom." I briefly saw his hand and saw numerous sores and other spots I couldn't identify. My first reaction was repulsion, but thanks to basic etiquette (Thanks Mom!!) I shake his hand, tell him my name, smile and wish him a good night. I wanted to scrub my hand like a child does after they think they have been exposed to "cooties." Instantly my heart was convicted.
"Rachel, he is my Child. What makes him any different than you?"
Oh Crap.
"Lord, he probably has some sort of disease!! I don't want to get a flesh eating bacteria and have my hand fall off!!"
"Daughter, he is precious in My sight. Did I not touch the lepers, embrace the outcasts, and give sight to those the world rejected? Am I not bigger than his 'flesh eating bacteria'? His external disease is a picture of your soul before I made you clean. I came to give him life and save Him, just as I did for you."
I was so ashamed of myself. Amazing how my pride in doing something "good" became a way for the Lord to reveal the flesh eating bacteria in my soul. I always thought myself compassionate of those in need and became enraged when I felt they were being treated as 'less' of a person because of xy or z.
Funny how the Lord reveals sin that you didn't even know you had through the most obvious ways.
I was driving down Wedgewood towards my Bible Study and I came to 12th Avenue. This part of 12th can be shady and generally I try not to stop at the gas station or be around there too late at night. I looked over and saw a man in a wheelchair who I assumed to be homeless. My heart instantly softened when I thought about how cold it was and how blessed I was to be in my warm car. My first thought was to pick him up and drive him to a shelter. Words of advice from friends (many many friends) halted that thought and begged me to try again. My next thought was to buy him coffee. It then occurred to me that he probably hadn't eaten in awhile, so I should just grab a hot meal for him. I pull up to the drive through at Mrs. Winners (keep in mind I have never been here before) and ask if they have some sort of Chicken sandwich thing. I can't understand the woman but she recommends something so I tell her that's fine and ask for a large coffee. "We don't have coffee at this time." I check my watch, three minutes until eight pm. What in the world? Why wouldn't they have coffee? "Fine... just give me... uh?? a Coke?" I grab the food and drive back to the corner where I saw the man. I'm secretly hoping he won't be there so I don't have to actually face him. I pull into the gas station and pull as close to the man as I can without driving on the grass. I lock my car and walk over to the man. My heart is pounding and my palms are slightly sweaty. I'm sending up numerous silent prayers begging the Lord to keep me safe and for the food to be met with happiness not awkwardness. I approach timidly but confidently and ask him if he's hungry. He flashes a decayed toothy smile at me and says he is. I awkwardly offer the chicken and tell him it isn't much but I thought it might help. He is overcome. I then start to ramble about the whole coffee fiasco and I was sorry it wasn't something warm to drink but I have a coke instead. He looks at me and says, "Oh! I don't drink Coke. I don't drink any carbonated beverages." This stops me in my tracks. What?! A homeless man is being PICKY? He's HOMELESS! He might not get another meal for who knows how long. I scramble trying to not let my shock be seen but as most of you know, my face basically reveals whatever emotion I'm feeling regardless of how hard I try to stop it. I start to leave desperate to get out of the awkward situation and realizing that I'm not exactly safe, standing on the corner of Wedgewood and 12th with my purse in my car. He reaches out his hand to me and says, "God bless you... I'm Tom." I briefly saw his hand and saw numerous sores and other spots I couldn't identify. My first reaction was repulsion, but thanks to basic etiquette (Thanks Mom!!) I shake his hand, tell him my name, smile and wish him a good night. I wanted to scrub my hand like a child does after they think they have been exposed to "cooties." Instantly my heart was convicted.
"Rachel, he is my Child. What makes him any different than you?"
Oh Crap.
"Lord, he probably has some sort of disease!! I don't want to get a flesh eating bacteria and have my hand fall off!!"
"Daughter, he is precious in My sight. Did I not touch the lepers, embrace the outcasts, and give sight to those the world rejected? Am I not bigger than his 'flesh eating bacteria'? His external disease is a picture of your soul before I made you clean. I came to give him life and save Him, just as I did for you."
I was so ashamed of myself. Amazing how my pride in doing something "good" became a way for the Lord to reveal the flesh eating bacteria in my soul. I always thought myself compassionate of those in need and became enraged when I felt they were being treated as 'less' of a person because of xy or z.
Funny how the Lord reveals sin that you didn't even know you had through the most obvious ways.
2.10.2008
4 mile runs and Love.
Training for the half marathon has given me alot of time to think. Most of those moments I am struggling to breathe and take another step, but today, for the first time maybe ever, I found a stride. The kind runners talk about... the one where their entire body seems to move as one. Granted my stride was probably slower than I want it to be, but I was able to breathe and enjoy the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement. I never thought I would be able to run 4 miles. Ok, I'll admit, I walked some of it :) Maybe 1/4. BUT regardless, I did it. I ran/walked/jogged 4 miles and it felt great. Today my brain was wandering to the next three months. You see friends, three months from today I will walk across a stage in Nashville TN wearing a black cap and gown to receive a piece of paper that I have worked my butt off for the last (almost) 4 years. The entire chapter of my academic life will come to a close in a much different way than I would have envisioned. Some things are way better than I could have dreamed, others are disappointing. But I also realized, I am blessed. Blessed beyond my wildest dreams. The kind of blessed that you are almost afraid to dream of and don't want to talk about because you fear it being snatched away or waking to find you are still an awkward teenager and the last four years have been a dream. Part of this dream has yet to come to fruition. The part I have desired for many years. Why? I have no idea, only a hope that the Lord knows what He is doing and that He is faithful regardless of my attempts to prove Him wrong or mess things up :) And then it hit me...
I want you to want me.
How often my heart softly cries those words. Usually to someone who doesn't want me. As I stopped to catch my breath and wait for the light to change (I try to avoid jay-walking at all costs, especially now that I'm wanted...) I decided I could give up this fight. If I can run a half-marathon, I can give up this situation. I was given this picture of falling at the feet of Jesus while His arms are stretched out in a hug and He bends over to surround me. I decided to pray for this situation everytime I want to think or get anxious or engage in typical behavior. You see, I want him more than I've wanted the others. I value him more than I valued the others, as my friend stephanie would say, "I was content to be his friend even if I couldn't be his wife, because he was that amazing." I'm willing to wait and expect the Lord to show up. Because either way, I win.
So for the second time in my life, I'm giving it up. I need to re-focus my life and fall madly in love with the One who created me and knows my desires but more importantly what's best for me. I need my desire to be what is best, because right now I don't know what's best and I can convince myself that whatever is captivating me at the moment is "best." My hope and prayer is that by surrendering this, I get it back, but knowing that what I get back might not be the exact specifications must still be worth the complete surrender.
I've never heard something that sweet...
But, are you sure you want me?
I'm always amazed that He wants me. Especially when I see the grit of my own sin and the junk I have in my heart. It can be so overwhelming and discouraging to see it. But I want Him. More than anything. I need to be reassured of His deep, abiding, faithful love. Hallelujah for second chances... (and third, fourth, fifth, sixth...)
I won't be full of second guesses
This is where I welcome you into my life. Keep me accountable. Ask me how my heart is, if it's finding its peace in Christ. Ask me how surrendering is going because I promise you I will fail miserably more times than not.
Until September 24th, 2008 keep me accountable.
Let's finish college strong. A half-marathon(er), a job, and complete surrender to sweet Jesus.
I want you to want me.
How often my heart softly cries those words. Usually to someone who doesn't want me. As I stopped to catch my breath and wait for the light to change (I try to avoid jay-walking at all costs, especially now that I'm wanted...) I decided I could give up this fight. If I can run a half-marathon, I can give up this situation. I was given this picture of falling at the feet of Jesus while His arms are stretched out in a hug and He bends over to surround me. I decided to pray for this situation everytime I want to think or get anxious or engage in typical behavior. You see, I want him more than I've wanted the others. I value him more than I valued the others, as my friend stephanie would say, "I was content to be his friend even if I couldn't be his wife, because he was that amazing." I'm willing to wait and expect the Lord to show up. Because either way, I win.
So for the second time in my life, I'm giving it up. I need to re-focus my life and fall madly in love with the One who created me and knows my desires but more importantly what's best for me. I need my desire to be what is best, because right now I don't know what's best and I can convince myself that whatever is captivating me at the moment is "best." My hope and prayer is that by surrendering this, I get it back, but knowing that what I get back might not be the exact specifications must still be worth the complete surrender.
I've never heard something that sweet...
But, are you sure you want me?
I'm always amazed that He wants me. Especially when I see the grit of my own sin and the junk I have in my heart. It can be so overwhelming and discouraging to see it. But I want Him. More than anything. I need to be reassured of His deep, abiding, faithful love. Hallelujah for second chances... (and third, fourth, fifth, sixth...)
I won't be full of second guesses
This is where I welcome you into my life. Keep me accountable. Ask me how my heart is, if it's finding its peace in Christ. Ask me how surrendering is going because I promise you I will fail miserably more times than not.
Until September 24th, 2008 keep me accountable.
Let's finish college strong. A half-marathon(er), a job, and complete surrender to sweet Jesus.
2.03.2008
What I Know to be Truth.
The past week and a half have been interesting to say the least. The play finally finished up and while I had a great time with it, I realized my main calling in life is not to act or be onstage. I don't have the amount of passion you need to do a job like that. I'm so glad the Lord showed me through this experience this not where He has me. My heart has been all over the place lately. I'm sorry if any of you have had to experience me through this time. I haven't been myself. Forgive me. I've watched some of my worst nightmares come to fruition and have only been able to run to Jesus. Thank you to the women who have spoken intense truth into my heart. You know who you are, the ones I call or have coffee with and just spew all over you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just wanted to pass on some of these little gems that I have received the past week from friends:
"Stop seeing yourself as half empty and realize that you are half full! You have so much to offer the world and someday some man is going to come along and pour into you and you guys will overflow. But just because you don't have that now doesn't mean you are LACKING anything. "
How that little shift of seeing the glass "half full" instead of "half empty" has changed my perspective on so much.
"He can't fix you. Stop trying to put that pressure on him. Having him in your life won't fix all your problems. Its not fair for you to expect that of him because you know the only who have truly fix the brokenness in your heart and relationships is Christ."
I mean really. You would think I would have learned that lesson about 21 years ago... but no. I am just understanding it... he can't fix me. only HE can fix me.
The following is taken from Genesis. Its the part where Adam and Eve hide because they have sinned against God. I'm going to paraphrase here:
God: Adam. Eve. Where are you?
A&E: We're hiding over here in the bushes
God: Why are you hiding?
A&E: Because we're naked.
God: Who told you that?
What a simple story we have all heard so many times. But what my friend Sarah pointed out is this... God wanted to know who TOLD Adam and Eve they were naked, who lied to them. Even though it technically wasn't a lie, God was making them think He didn't know they had eaten the fruit. Sarah's point was this, when I start believing that I'm not pretty enough, or thin enough or smart enough or WHATEVER enough, God asks me , "Who told you that?" My Father calls me beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made, created with a purpose, cherished, beloved, adored... etc. So if HE didn't tell me those things why do I believe them? Do I put more stock in what the world lies to me about than what my Father tells me to be true? My pastor said something in church this morning about we can't negotiate with the Word of God. We must believe that His words are absolutely true and above any other words we hear or messages we receive.
So those are my thoughts... messy and unorganized they may be, but they are mine and I wanted to share them.
Thank you Brooke Fraser for expressing my heart:
I'll give it time
give it space
and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way
we wanna walk it well
I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting 'til we're ready
'til it's right
Love is waiting
"Stop seeing yourself as half empty and realize that you are half full! You have so much to offer the world and someday some man is going to come along and pour into you and you guys will overflow. But just because you don't have that now doesn't mean you are LACKING anything. "
How that little shift of seeing the glass "half full" instead of "half empty" has changed my perspective on so much.
"He can't fix you. Stop trying to put that pressure on him. Having him in your life won't fix all your problems. Its not fair for you to expect that of him because you know the only who have truly fix the brokenness in your heart and relationships is Christ."
I mean really. You would think I would have learned that lesson about 21 years ago... but no. I am just understanding it... he can't fix me. only HE can fix me.
The following is taken from Genesis. Its the part where Adam and Eve hide because they have sinned against God. I'm going to paraphrase here:
God: Adam. Eve. Where are you?
A&E: We're hiding over here in the bushes
God: Why are you hiding?
A&E: Because we're naked.
God: Who told you that?
What a simple story we have all heard so many times. But what my friend Sarah pointed out is this... God wanted to know who TOLD Adam and Eve they were naked, who lied to them. Even though it technically wasn't a lie, God was making them think He didn't know they had eaten the fruit. Sarah's point was this, when I start believing that I'm not pretty enough, or thin enough or smart enough or WHATEVER enough, God asks me , "Who told you that?" My Father calls me beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made, created with a purpose, cherished, beloved, adored... etc. So if HE didn't tell me those things why do I believe them? Do I put more stock in what the world lies to me about than what my Father tells me to be true? My pastor said something in church this morning about we can't negotiate with the Word of God. We must believe that His words are absolutely true and above any other words we hear or messages we receive.
So those are my thoughts... messy and unorganized they may be, but they are mine and I wanted to share them.
Thank you Brooke Fraser for expressing my heart:
I'll give it time
give it space
and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way
we wanna walk it well
I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting 'til we're ready
'til it's right
Love is waiting
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