I can feel myself falling.
I can also feel myself bracing for the impact.
I always do this. I fall for the guy who doesn't fall back.
My heart is JUST starting to mend from the past year and a half. I don't want this. My focus for the next time in my life is NOT this. Taking care of 5 kids is going to be work enough. I don't need to be worrying about having a crush on someone. That's all this is. A crush. He doesn't even know my name. I've never even met him. But chances are, we'll meet. And he'll probably be cuter, funnier, and even more sweet in person. I can feel the walls coming up. All honesty, my heart is wounded from this other guy, the best kind of wound, but a wound nonetheless.
Someday I'll learn. Guys like that don't go for girls like me. And the sooner I learn that, the better off I'll be.
My daughters, I urge you, do not awaken love before it so desires.
12.26.2008
12.25.2008
Silent night, Holy night.
Merry Christmas Eve. (I wrote this on Christmas Eve on Mountain time fyi)
Tonight we (the fam and some dear friends) went to the evening service and I was reminded why I absolutely love this time of the year. I know every church does the candlelight moment but tonight it felt so holy, so beautiful, that I literally got goosebumps. It was amazing to me how much my life has changed since the last time I stepped foot into that church and took communion four weeks ago. You see friends, last time I was there, my heart was breaking with uncertainty, vulnerability, and humbleness. I didn't know what my future was going to hold and I had accepted that He was enough. Yet, here I am, weeks later, with the most incredible job opportunity. Literally a week ago I got a call from a friend about a nanny position. Within three days I found out about it, interviewed and got the job. THREE DAYS. It's above and beyond what I could have wished for. Everyone I've told about this job is freaking out. Out of sensitivity to the family, I'm not going to share their name or really any details except that it's going to be amazing. God worked out the smallest details - I seriously don't know how I could have gotten a better job. While my heart is still breaking to leave Chris, Steph, the girls, and all our artists, I know that this is right. There is no question in my mind that the Lord's fingerprints are all over this. I am blessed. Blessed blessed blessed. I have so much to be thankful for this Christmas - aside from this amazing job. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to wake up and it's going to be a dream. The only thing that has me a tad uncertain is the fact that I'm going to be staying in Nashville, albeit moving to Franklin. I really thought my time in Nashville was coming to a close, but I guess the Lord has other plans for me :)
On another note, I'm home in Colorado for about a week with the fam. Unfortunately my body isn't cooperating and I came down with a cold/virus of sorts. I had been fighting it the last week or so in Nash but was literally going at 100mph so I think my body was just waiting until I calmed down for a few days. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and stuffy head. Ended up going to bed at 8:30 last night and sleeping until 10:30 this morning! 14 hours of sleep!! I desperately needed it. Lots of Emergen-C and Zicam. Crossing my fingers for a better day tomorrow. Dad, Mike and I are going to try and head up the mountains to get a day of skiing in! Let's hope my little cold goes away for that.
For now it's time for me to head to bed. Wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Remember those who have lost loved ones, are going through a hard time or just need to be prayed for this holiday season.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Tonight we (the fam and some dear friends) went to the evening service and I was reminded why I absolutely love this time of the year. I know every church does the candlelight moment but tonight it felt so holy, so beautiful, that I literally got goosebumps. It was amazing to me how much my life has changed since the last time I stepped foot into that church and took communion four weeks ago. You see friends, last time I was there, my heart was breaking with uncertainty, vulnerability, and humbleness. I didn't know what my future was going to hold and I had accepted that He was enough. Yet, here I am, weeks later, with the most incredible job opportunity. Literally a week ago I got a call from a friend about a nanny position. Within three days I found out about it, interviewed and got the job. THREE DAYS. It's above and beyond what I could have wished for. Everyone I've told about this job is freaking out. Out of sensitivity to the family, I'm not going to share their name or really any details except that it's going to be amazing. God worked out the smallest details - I seriously don't know how I could have gotten a better job. While my heart is still breaking to leave Chris, Steph, the girls, and all our artists, I know that this is right. There is no question in my mind that the Lord's fingerprints are all over this. I am blessed. Blessed blessed blessed. I have so much to be thankful for this Christmas - aside from this amazing job. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to wake up and it's going to be a dream. The only thing that has me a tad uncertain is the fact that I'm going to be staying in Nashville, albeit moving to Franklin. I really thought my time in Nashville was coming to a close, but I guess the Lord has other plans for me :)
On another note, I'm home in Colorado for about a week with the fam. Unfortunately my body isn't cooperating and I came down with a cold/virus of sorts. I had been fighting it the last week or so in Nash but was literally going at 100mph so I think my body was just waiting until I calmed down for a few days. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and stuffy head. Ended up going to bed at 8:30 last night and sleeping until 10:30 this morning! 14 hours of sleep!! I desperately needed it. Lots of Emergen-C and Zicam. Crossing my fingers for a better day tomorrow. Dad, Mike and I are going to try and head up the mountains to get a day of skiing in! Let's hope my little cold goes away for that.
For now it's time for me to head to bed. Wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Remember those who have lost loved ones, are going through a hard time or just need to be prayed for this holiday season.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
12.07.2008
Sometimes all you can do is grab onto something...
and fall apart.
She looked at me and said, "Are you okay?" My throat was clogged with tears as I nodded. Don't lose it, Mueller. Keep it together. Not here. Not now. And then the first verse of that song was projected onto the screens and I knew I was quickly losing my composure. I grabbed her hand, felt her pull away momentarily and then was engulfed in her strong arms. It was all I could do to bury my heard in her shoulder and sob. Gut wrenching, painful sobs, with tears coming so fast I couldn't tell if they were drops or a small river. She stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe. Moment by moment my breathing evened out and I felt the tears slowing. I lifted my head but stayed in her arms because it was there that I knew everything was going to be okay. It felt purifying. The torrent of tears washed away the debris and cleaned out the wound. For a moment I felt like I could see, like the scabs fell off and the truth of the moment, the pain of the process, the ugliness of my disobedience put into perspective for those few moments. You see after every storm, there comes a time of calm. In every valley there is the faintest hint of light. At some point the darkness begins to lessen and you realize that this too will come to an end. When you're in the storm, shrouded in darkness and terrified, the promise of light and clarity feels like mockery. I stopped listening to those voices. I KNOW it gets easier. I know this goes away. I know all things work together for the good of those that love Him. I. know. Stop telling me. I had to come to a point where I accepted the darkness. My heart had to surrender and lie completely naked, stripped of everything I know or can use as a shield and trust that His plan is better than mine. That my plan a and plan b were less than what I was created for, even if it meant what I'm created for looks nothing like what I want it to. He always promised to provide, just not necessarily the way I hope He will. Do I think the rest of my life will be what my small puzzle piece looks like for the next 6 months? No, I don't. But do I have to accept if that is what brings the most glory to Him then that's what it WILL look like? Yes, I do. And then I heard those three words so gently it was if they had been spoken directly in my ear.
am I enough?
they were so aching, so desperate that I literally stopped what I was doing and paid attention.
i don't know. i whispered. i just don't know.
I was so afraid that if I said He was, I would never get anything I wanted because He would take me up on it. I started to think about it and realized that all of these things I wanted would never satisfy. For so long I let myself believe they made me happy and it hit me. I want Jesus more than I want anything else in this life. For the first time in my entire existence, I can honestly say that - from a place of unwavering certainty and know that He is going to call me to walk through it. I'm not afraid to give up all my dreams because my heart desires Him more than anything else. I tried to satisfy it with wanting to get married and have babies. When that didn't happen, I tried this job that could keep me so busy and wrapped up in it that I could forget the aching emptiness. I thought about some of the exciting things that might happen that would be unbelievable and they still left me longing for Him. Nothing satisfies like He does. It doesn't change the pain of letting go of my dreams and the pain of the things getting taken away. In fact I'm aware of the pain now more than ever. A dear friend told me to think of it like this. Adam didn't realize he needed Eve. He didn't know she was everything that was missing in his life. God put him to sleep, took his rib and created the entire picture. Because we've lost the perfect communion with God, we are no longer able to sleep during the rib removing process. He strips us down, with tears in His eyes, begging us to understand that while this hurts more than anything ever can and we don't think we can endure a single more moment, He is doing so much in our lives. He is completing the big picture, the things we could never have imagined we were missing out on. My heart yelled out, YES! It IS unbearable. This hurts worse than anything I've ever felt. I feel so alone. So desperately alone and afraid. I have to imagine that Adam felt alone too, until he realized that Eve was everything that made him whole.
Today I can say I want Him more than I want anything else in the world. In some ways it's easier to say I want Him more than I want anything else because everything has been taken away. Let's say I get this amazing job, travel the world, and by some chance meet a man who adores me or my life DOES end up only like this little puzzle piece. Will I still be able to say I want Him more than and in spite of all of that? I'm not sure, but I'm really hoping I can.
Psalm 63 1-3a
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life.
She looked at me and said, "Are you okay?" My throat was clogged with tears as I nodded. Don't lose it, Mueller. Keep it together. Not here. Not now. And then the first verse of that song was projected onto the screens and I knew I was quickly losing my composure. I grabbed her hand, felt her pull away momentarily and then was engulfed in her strong arms. It was all I could do to bury my heard in her shoulder and sob. Gut wrenching, painful sobs, with tears coming so fast I couldn't tell if they were drops or a small river. She stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe. Moment by moment my breathing evened out and I felt the tears slowing. I lifted my head but stayed in her arms because it was there that I knew everything was going to be okay. It felt purifying. The torrent of tears washed away the debris and cleaned out the wound. For a moment I felt like I could see, like the scabs fell off and the truth of the moment, the pain of the process, the ugliness of my disobedience put into perspective for those few moments. You see after every storm, there comes a time of calm. In every valley there is the faintest hint of light. At some point the darkness begins to lessen and you realize that this too will come to an end. When you're in the storm, shrouded in darkness and terrified, the promise of light and clarity feels like mockery. I stopped listening to those voices. I KNOW it gets easier. I know this goes away. I know all things work together for the good of those that love Him. I. know. Stop telling me. I had to come to a point where I accepted the darkness. My heart had to surrender and lie completely naked, stripped of everything I know or can use as a shield and trust that His plan is better than mine. That my plan a and plan b were less than what I was created for, even if it meant what I'm created for looks nothing like what I want it to. He always promised to provide, just not necessarily the way I hope He will. Do I think the rest of my life will be what my small puzzle piece looks like for the next 6 months? No, I don't. But do I have to accept if that is what brings the most glory to Him then that's what it WILL look like? Yes, I do. And then I heard those three words so gently it was if they had been spoken directly in my ear.
am I enough?
they were so aching, so desperate that I literally stopped what I was doing and paid attention.
i don't know. i whispered. i just don't know.
I was so afraid that if I said He was, I would never get anything I wanted because He would take me up on it. I started to think about it and realized that all of these things I wanted would never satisfy. For so long I let myself believe they made me happy and it hit me. I want Jesus more than I want anything else in this life. For the first time in my entire existence, I can honestly say that - from a place of unwavering certainty and know that He is going to call me to walk through it. I'm not afraid to give up all my dreams because my heart desires Him more than anything else. I tried to satisfy it with wanting to get married and have babies. When that didn't happen, I tried this job that could keep me so busy and wrapped up in it that I could forget the aching emptiness. I thought about some of the exciting things that might happen that would be unbelievable and they still left me longing for Him. Nothing satisfies like He does. It doesn't change the pain of letting go of my dreams and the pain of the things getting taken away. In fact I'm aware of the pain now more than ever. A dear friend told me to think of it like this. Adam didn't realize he needed Eve. He didn't know she was everything that was missing in his life. God put him to sleep, took his rib and created the entire picture. Because we've lost the perfect communion with God, we are no longer able to sleep during the rib removing process. He strips us down, with tears in His eyes, begging us to understand that while this hurts more than anything ever can and we don't think we can endure a single more moment, He is doing so much in our lives. He is completing the big picture, the things we could never have imagined we were missing out on. My heart yelled out, YES! It IS unbearable. This hurts worse than anything I've ever felt. I feel so alone. So desperately alone and afraid. I have to imagine that Adam felt alone too, until he realized that Eve was everything that made him whole.
Today I can say I want Him more than I want anything else in the world. In some ways it's easier to say I want Him more than I want anything else because everything has been taken away. Let's say I get this amazing job, travel the world, and by some chance meet a man who adores me or my life DOES end up only like this little puzzle piece. Will I still be able to say I want Him more than and in spite of all of that? I'm not sure, but I'm really hoping I can.
Psalm 63 1-3a
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life.
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