In Repair

John Mayer has always been able to write songs that I relate to in an almost uncanny way. It's probably why he's selling a crap ton of records. I've re-discovered a CD that I burned that has a bunch of songs from Room For Squares, Heavier Things and Continuum. It's a great little mix and it's been on repeat in my car. Recently, I can't get past "In Repair." There is something so fitting about that song and the place I'm in. Slowly but surely I'm beginning my climb up the mountain. Granted I still slide back down but inch by inch it's getting better.

Oh, it's taking so long.
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair


Some big things are happening. Things that six months ago I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle. I still might break down and cry the day away but I know that it won't destroy me.

I asked for a way out - if it wasn't me, then I needed a way out.

I got that way - I just never realized it would wreck my entire life.

That's the amazing/painful/scary/real thing about walking with Jesus. When you give your life to Him, He comes in and wrecks the entire thing. Once the walk REALLY starts, He pulls away at the armor and destroys it piece by piece. What a season of refinement this is...

I'm in repair
I'm not together, but I'm getting there

Numb

I've been operating in the "numb" category for quite some time. Rejection, disappointment and hurt have been my constant companion for awhile now and at some point, I put a wall up. I shut down and didn't want to engage in my relationship with the Lord because I felt so betrayed and forgotten. I don't understand why I've had SEVEN INTERVIEWS with Dave Ramsey and haven't gotten a single offer. I don't understand why everyone else seems to be finding amazing jobs and nothing is coming my way. I don't want this to come across as whiny and complaining - I'm just truly at a loss. I'm in the most vulnerable place I've ever been in. It hurts too much to pray, to hope and be disappointed, to read scripture and see God's faithfulness for everyone but me. This is exactly the place Satan wants me in. To get me hopeless and in the pit of despair.

Today I got a phone call from someone very near and dear to me. At one point he said, "Rachel, I just feel like God wants me to remind you that not only is my love for you unconditional, but God's love is even more so. He loves you and you need to know that." It rocked my world. Tears immediately sprung into my eyes and I couldn't disguise the emotion as I tried to explain how things have been rough for me lately - that I've been in a bad place. It took those few words to encourage my heart in a way that it hasn't felt in months. This is a valley. It's a dark scary place that I've never been in before and it shows no sign of ending anytime soon. But I'm not alone and no matter how afraid or angry I am - I am not alone. I may push and push and push Him away but He knows that every push is a broken cry for Him to hold me tighter and to never ever let go.

Today I felt like a daughter sheltered in her Father's arms.

Today I felt like I could survive another day of vulnerability.

Today it didn't hurt as bad.

Today - I felt hope.

This could be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive.

My spirit was made to wander. There is nothing more exciting to me than packing up my suitcase, jumping in a van, bus, plane, train, whatever, and taking off for places unknown. I think it's because I'm certain that I'm missing out on something better somewhere else. Sometimes I wonder if the longing of my heart to be a gypsy will ever cease. Will I ever want to put down roots and be content with where I am? Especially now - with things being so unstable and uncertain, I just want to traipse across the world and see it all. We moved and traveled so much when I was a kid that it just seems natural to change my surroundings often. I miss it. I miss seeing the world with my family. I know I've said this before but I never thought my life would turn out the way that it has. I literally have no plan for what's next. Just when I think I'm about to get back on track, I get thrown another curveball. It's starting to wear me down. How much longer do I have to endure the rejection and the disappointment? His faithfulness I am certain of, but it's the timing that has me questioning. Do I remain in this place forever? Is this my wilderness? The longings of my heart aren't being fulfilled - is it because my longings aren't what's best for my life? So many questions and never any answers.

I feel like I fall in love with a new job every day. This one, I tell myself, this one is different... it's special. I want to shout from the world my passion and excitement about the thought of this and yet my fragile heart fears to be disappointed. I don't want any job, I want THE job. I want the job that I can give my life to - that will make a difference in the world - that will combine my passions and my strengths. I want to care for the widows and orphans and I want to use music to do that. But how? How can I move this impossibly big mountain in front of me? Is THIS the job or am I just making myself fall in love again?

Why do I feel like I'm climbing a mountain and not getting anywhere?

"...because of the Lord, who is faithful, the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you... Though she may forget, I will not forget you." - Isaiah 49

I'm staring at the mess I made.

I should have held my ground
I should have spoken up
I should have proudly claimed
that oh my head's to blame for all my heart's mistakes.

I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made

as you turn, you take your heart and walk away.

It's on me now... as you go.

Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever wonder what I'm doing?

I'm sorry - I was so young, so unsure and so afraid.

But I've changed. Come find me.

The familiar ache

I'm packing up my apartment - getting ready to move just a few streets away. I have a love / hate relationship with moving. I love starting over, getting the chance to make new memories, cleaning out the old and closing a door. I hate packing everything up, cleaning my old apartment and the fear of the unknown with the new place. Last night I was going through some old journals and I came across the last entries before I met Tyler, the two after I met him, and the many after my heart was shattered. One in particular stood out. I remember writing it. I had just woken up from the most realistic dream I've ever had. He held my hand, told me he was sorry and that it was all a big misunderstanding. Then he kissed me. When I woke up, I realized it was all a dream, and he was still mad at me. My heart was still broken and I realized I was probably never going to see him again. I wept for hours that day. Hours. This journal entry chronicled the pain. All the things I had loved about him, all the things I missed, all the things that infuriated me, all the things I wanted back. And then I cried for my broken heart. For the months that I spent crying myself to sleep. All I could ask the Lord was if He wept for me too? During that terrible time, did He mourn for my broken heart? I know He did. I know that His tears were mixed in with mine as I laid there unable to breathe. I know He ached with me during the mornings I couldn't get out of bed. I know He knew. He knew...

It's been four years, almost to the day, since I met him. If I could go back to myself during that time all I would tell myself is to be confident in who I was and love without reservation. I wouldn't take back one single moment of that summer, I would only take back the way it fell apart. I should have been honest. I should have been the one to tell him. I should have grabbed him and kissed him when I had the chance. If only... but, I didn't, because that's not who I am. Anchorman was our movie. Wild Ginger was our restaurant. Sundays were our mornings. I have an extraordinary and rare love. And you didn't want it. I hope you're happy now, I really do.

But there is still a tiny bit of me that hopes the ring you gave to her turns her finger green.

Never again - will I kiss you
Never again - will I want to.
Never again - will I love you.

Never.

Jesus, you are enough.

Six months ago I found myself being asked a really tough question...

am I enough?

What those three little words did to change my world. I wrestled and pleaded and tearfully asked the Lord to forgive me when I didn't have an answer. And when the answer came, in the still quiet whisper, I rejoiced and felt confident that He was enough. I wanted Jesus more than my dream job, more than the man I had loved for a year, friends to walk through life with me, or financial stability. I just wanted Him. Knowing that and truly believing it with every fiber of my being allowed me to be free. I threw off the anxiety and trusted that He knew my needs better than I did. When I finally got to that place, pieces started to fall into place. My foundations were solid, the ground was firm, and my heart knew that whatever the cost, whatever the future held, I knew I was loved beyond anything I could ever imagine.

you did it for me
you did it for love
it's your victory,
Jesus, you are enough

I can't even begin to tell you how quickly the things I desired happened. I got an amazing job in a few days, dear friends soon followed, the pain of a shattered heart soon lessened and began to heal, and for the first time in my life I wasn't scraping by. Things were still hard and as life goes, I soon hit another rough patch, but it wasn't nearly as devastating as the first time. I leaned hard into Christ and saw Him show up. Because that's what He does - He shows up. Lately I've noticed thoughts and patterns in my life that aren't what I want them to be. My brain latches onto an idea or an attitude and I run with it. So far that I can't pull myself back. I've wrestled with this forever, especially when it comes to guys I like. My behavior can be so hot and cold. I feel so sorry for them because 90% of the time they have no idea what they've done. I've tried alot of things to take these thoughts captive and really live in freedom and not in death but so far nothing has helped. As I was having a quiet time the other day, I just kept coming back to the concept of resting in who He is and what He's promised to do. It hit me like a ton of bricks - just because I told Jesus He was enough six months ago doesn't mean I still believe it today. Daily I need to take up His cross. Daily, hourly, every second of the day, with every breath, He needs to be enough. I have totally lost sight of that. I hate the behavior in me. I hate the crazy / jealous / manipulative / sinful woman I can be!! He always needs to be enough. Regardless of my circumstances. I need to do a better job of remembering.


God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Thriving in the impossible.

When we fix our eyes on Jesus, it's alot easier to trust. Our problem is that we inherently look at the storm around us. Peter is a great example of this. He got out of the boat and started to walk on water. WALK ON WATER! His problem wasn't that he was WALKING ON WATER it was that he took his eyes off Jesus and started looking at the storm around him. He was so focused on his momentary troubles that he couldn't see the miracle the Lord was working in him at that very moment. I think I've blogged about this in the past but lately I've been really digging through Scripture and finding the theme of God thriving in impossible situations. He doesn't just provide, He THRIVES. Something I read tonight in Romans really connected with me.

Romans 4:18-22

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, " So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He has promised. This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness."

And God came through!! He became the father of all the nations. How's that for a fulfillment of God's promises? I keep finding stories like this where when it seemed all hope was lost, God came through in a big big way. I've seen that happen in my own life. A situation that I had thought was completely hopeless, that would never be resolved, and impossible to reconcile, and yet last night, the healing process began. Better than I ever hoped. I mean look at the foundation of Christianity. We were HOPELESS. We could have no fellowship with God because of our sin and yet while we were still sinful, Christ freaking died for us!! I guess I'm just overwhelmed tonight by this. Right now so many things in my life look impossible. Jobs, finances, dreams, etc. I have no idea how they can ever work out because I can only see the little tiny spot in front of me. That spot is cloudy and messy but I keep seeing His faithfulness because He loves us. Oh how He loves.


He is jealous for me
loves like a hurricane
I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions
eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us so.


He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves


He is our portion and
He is our prize
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes
if His grace is an ocean
we're all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way that He loves us.

Oh, how He loves us.