Am I lost or just less found?

The last six weeks or so have been trying indeed. Scratch that, the last six months have been trying. For some reason I felt myself in the midst of a wilderness and I just didn't care. I've always been a big believer that apathy and not necessarily sin is the ultimate downfall of a Christian. When you are living in sinful behavior, you are aware of it or become aware of it through consequences, people calling you out, or conviction. Apathy is an entirely different story. Apathy speaks quietly over the nagging voice telling me to read my Bible or delve into the goodness of Christ. Apathy emboldens me to miss church without regret and shut myself off from a community. Apathy is the best mask of all because to the outside world I'm living just the way a "good Christian girl" should live. Lewis spoke alot about apathy in The Screwtape Letters. I think this book really opened my awareness to the dangers of apathy. My life had been coasting along without any major hiccups and it allowed me to continue to live apathetically. I didn't need passion because passion brought discontent for me. I can't do anything half-assed. I'm either all the way in or I'm all the way out. Things are so black and white to me which can be good and also bad. So the thought about getting passionate about something outside of my current life scared the living daylights out of me because I knew it would inevitably bring change. Change that wouldn't make sense to anyone, especially me so I shut it down anyway I knew how. When I found out I was being taken off full time, these feelings came rushing back. Every moment of every day since then I've been fighting a war with my spirit. The fight to REMEMBER. Oddly enough as these things were happening in my life, we were going through a series in Exodus at church. Exile, Silence, Exodus, WIlderness, Wandering, Idols, Redemption. I saw the story paralleling my own life and I was humbled and horrified at what I saw. The Lord was SILENT in Moses' life for 40 years, He allowed His people to live in slavery for over 400 years and then watched them wander in the desert for another 40. I begged the Lord to not pattern my life after this. I started reading through Exodus, Psalms and Acts at the same time. Seemingly random choices but it's amazing how much of the story is referenced in all three books. What I've been leaning on more than anything is Psalms. David's words echo my heart almost daily. I am constantly going back and forth between utter despair and hope that I'm not forgotten. David constantly reminds us to call upon the Lord, because He will come through. I called my mom the other day because I felt anxiety and panic welling up inside me. Tears were forming behind my eyes before she picked up and when she asked me how I was I blurted out, "He's not going to forget me right, mom? He's taken everything, which is okay, I'm not angry, I just don't want Him to forget me. He's not going to leave me out to dry because it sure feels like that." She confidently said in her wise mom voice, "Rachel. Our God is not that way. He WILL provide because it is contrary to His nature not to and we know that God is God is God. He has been faithful and true throughout history and it won't change today or tomorrow." Oh my sweet mother. Always knowing exactly the words to say. So even though I'm floundering a little bit right and trying to find something stable to put my feet on, I'm actively listening to the silence. I'm relishing the pain over the apathy. I hate the battle of willing my irrational side into submission because down in the deepest parts of my being I - KNOW - the Lord IS faithful. My existence has never once doubted that I'll be okay. And as much as I hate the frustration of this season, I feel alive again. My desire to know and dwell in the presence of the Lord is renewed. For that I am thankful. My faith is being tested and refined. For that I am thankful. Something is going to happen... something that will be better. For that I am thankful. He might change all my dreams and plans. For that I am thankful. I've accomplished something I have always wanted to. For that I am thankful.

I've been listening to a few songs by Brandon Heath that remind me, I'm fighting a battle but the victory is mine.

Wait and See
"There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet"


Trust You
"I’m not gonna fight you anymore
Not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why
I shouldn’t trust you with mine"

Sunrise
"All you need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
If you're lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you're tired in the waiting
Even though it's gonna take you
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun's gonna find you"

All of these songs are off his new (ish) album What If We. Check out his myspace here

And with that I'm going to leave with a new favorite verse:

Psalms 27:13-14
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait and for LORD
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.