Many the Miles...

Today - I (along with 5 fantastic guys) gave the last major presentation of my academic career. I felt the tension drain from my shoulders as we realized we were no longer on the chopping block but had successfully proved our point, at least we hoped. For a split second I panicked. What do I do now? Granted I haven't received that little piece of paper from Belmont that certifies me a "graduate," but I have essentially finished. I pushed the slightly hysterical thoughts from my brain and focused on walking outside on the wet pavement in high heels (thanks, Jonathan!!). I came home, changed, went to work, plopped down at my desk and began sifting through tasks. The past few sleepless nights finally caught up to me and I could barely hold my head up, let alone coherently decipher website formats. Somehow I made it through the day without causing too many mistakes (I hope, sorry Chris!). Ended up at dinner with some of my favorite people - had to leave a little early to get to David's Bridal for a bridesmaid dress before they closed. As I was driving home, Sara Bareilles came up on my cd and memories of the past four years started flashing through my mind. I drove past old places I used to live and realized I lived four very different experiences with each one. I feel like each year was a different life. I was a different person with each new roommate and situation. As Brooke Fraser puts it: "I am changing, less and less asleep, made of different stuff than when I began." How true that is. How different I am today than the young seventeen year old who left Colorado Springs, wide eyed and eager to change the world in 2004. In some ways, I am still the same. I still get lost in books and find solace in peppermint tea. I still talk to my mom almost every day. I still laugh at the simplest things. I still want to be a wife and mother above all else. I find it amusing that the majority of my friends came into school wanting a career and not wanting to get married for awhile, while the opposite was true for me - I am the only one who ended up with a career before graduating and no immediate prospects of matrimony erstwhile buying bridesmaid dresses for the exact ones who didn't want that life. I always get so dang reflective at the end of a season. This one is scary. For once in my life I'll be supporting myself completely...and that's exactly what my life will become about, aside from the deeper theological "my life is not my own" etc, I am working to make my life exist. Does that make sense? I'm going to a job every day so I can eat lunch, pay my water bill, and hopefully survive better than I do now. The gravity of that situation is just starting to sink in. Alas.

On another note- my computer is completely on the fritz. I'm amazed that I have been able to type this entire blog out. Such a nightmare...I have a date with the Genius Bar tomorrow. Gah. The last thing I need.

I'm still digging into John lately. I love reading books of the Bible and passages that I think I've read a thousand times and get kicked in the butt by. Seriously. The Lord has been convicting me on basically every aspect of my life. And it sucks. Part of me just doesn't even want to deal with it right now. I don't want to change my behavior because it is so inconvenient to life, I need that extra half an hour of sleep instead of getting up to have a quiet time, whatever my excuses may be, they still come down to one little thing: Pride. Pastor Scott has been going through a series on Wisdom lately. In one of his previous sermons he said that there are two types of pride. The outright rebellious, putting my foot down, throwing a temper tantrum, willful pride, and the one that most of us struggle with without even realizing it. The pride of quiet neglect. When I don't read my Bible I'm telling God my wisdom is better than His.

Seriously? wooow. I'm STILL processing what that looks like. I'm so prone to live in the future, to live in the "when I get my act together then I will ____ " how foolish and arrogant of me. Its like I actually think I can rely upon myself to sustain breath in my body.



I've also realized that while I may love someone, my ability to love is limited because being IN love with someone is a two way street. I don't think I can actually be in love with someone unless they love me back. Being in his city hurt - after almost three years you would think the pain would be gone. While it has lessoned, I occasionally feel the pang of what might have been.



So needless to say-I've been learning a few things lately.



How far do I have to go to get to You?
Many the miles...