I have learned to be content...or have I?

I can convince myself on just about anything...

No really - I'm amazing at it. I should probably go into sales with my ability to persuade and reason. My roommate jokes that my logic makes no sense whatsoever to anyone but me. Which is probably true and why I would most likely fail at sales... I partially blame my dad. He has this innate ability to see what he wants and go about getting it. He is amazing. My dad is probably the best man I know. But I digress. This blog isn't fully about him.

My dad taught me how to reason, why I needed facts to back up my data and ultimately reward for proving myself. I was never or at most very rarely given anything just because I wanted it. I appreciate this aspect of my childhood. My parents made us work to get things or give them logical arguments why we needed them. This has been the case in every aspect of my life, from the little things like buying new clothes or going out to eat, to the big stuff, like college or buying a car. I have to do research, present the best options and be fully prepared to defend my reasoning.

The most recent conversation we've had? Getting a Blackberry. I've been looking at these pretty little things for some time now and as soon as I saw the shiny new red one, I knew it was a NEED. Last summer I toyed with the idea of getting one but decided it was better to wait because I didn't know what the future held as far as my career or my need for one. I fought with my parents and used the "I'm an adult and I can do what I want" line. Their swift rebuttal? "And how do you plan to pay for that?" quickly silenced my plea. Yesterday I finally caved. Verizon and I went through a nasty little divorce which will cost me approximately $140 in fees to say goodbye to. I didn't care, I needed the Blackberry. In fact, I wanted it so badly, I settled for the Titanium one instead of the red one. I might go back and swap it out in thirty days. That remains to be seen.

As I was lying in bed wondering two things. 1) If I could get a snow day... which I technically didn't but decided to take anyways and 2) What was the next thing I was going to "need."

Before the Blackberry I needed a new car. Ok, that was legit. And then Paul's words hit me like a brick. "I have LEARNED to be content whatever the circumstances..." It got me thinking. Would I be content if I didn't have my blackberry, a working phone, running water or a $100,000 degree (almost)? That's a hard question to ask. Usually I freak out once every three months or so and question every aspect of my life. The most consistent theme is the one of what am I doing? I get restless and feel my life isn't serving a purpose unless I am either in Africa or India serving sweet AIDS babies or married and keeping house. My heart grows discontented with where I'm at. But clearly I'm in this season for something, right? This awkward season of still being sort of financially dependent on my parents, wishing I could spend all day at work instead of classes and convos and seminars and tests and homework. The uncertainty of where I'm going to live come May 11th, of how I will make a living by myself. And yet these words speak, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God and peace which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." Amen, amen. Now how do I begin to LIVE that?


I know these are jumbled thoughts and most of the time they don't make much sense... I can tell you three different occasions I've tried to learn this lesson but my mind always goes back to, "well, when I have THIS... THEN I will be content..."

No. no more. I need to be content right now, as a poor, single, college student, living in a rundown home, that has a possum living inside the walls and an electric bill that is too high.

Grant me this contentment, O Lord.