4 mile runs and Love.

Training for the half marathon has given me alot of time to think. Most of those moments I am struggling to breathe and take another step, but today, for the first time maybe ever, I found a stride. The kind runners talk about... the one where their entire body seems to move as one. Granted my stride was probably slower than I want it to be, but I was able to breathe and enjoy the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement. I never thought I would be able to run 4 miles. Ok, I'll admit, I walked some of it :) Maybe 1/4. BUT regardless, I did it. I ran/walked/jogged 4 miles and it felt great. Today my brain was wandering to the next three months. You see friends, three months from today I will walk across a stage in Nashville TN wearing a black cap and gown to receive a piece of paper that I have worked my butt off for the last (almost) 4 years. The entire chapter of my academic life will come to a close in a much different way than I would have envisioned. Some things are way better than I could have dreamed, others are disappointing. But I also realized, I am blessed. Blessed beyond my wildest dreams. The kind of blessed that you are almost afraid to dream of and don't want to talk about because you fear it being snatched away or waking to find you are still an awkward teenager and the last four years have been a dream. Part of this dream has yet to come to fruition. The part I have desired for many years. Why? I have no idea, only a hope that the Lord knows what He is doing and that He is faithful regardless of my attempts to prove Him wrong or mess things up :) And then it hit me...


I want you to want me.


How often my heart softly cries those words. Usually to someone who doesn't want me. As I stopped to catch my breath and wait for the light to change (I try to avoid jay-walking at all costs, especially now that I'm wanted...) I decided I could give up this fight. If I can run a half-marathon, I can give up this situation. I was given this picture of falling at the feet of Jesus while His arms are stretched out in a hug and He bends over to surround me. I decided to pray for this situation everytime I want to think or get anxious or engage in typical behavior. You see, I want him more than I've wanted the others. I value him more than I valued the others, as my friend stephanie would say, "I was content to be his friend even if I couldn't be his wife, because he was that amazing." I'm willing to wait and expect the Lord to show up. Because either way, I win.

So for the second time in my life, I'm giving it up. I need to re-focus my life and fall madly in love with the One who created me and knows my desires but more importantly what's best for me. I need my desire to be what is best, because right now I don't know what's best and I can convince myself that whatever is captivating me at the moment is "best." My hope and prayer is that by surrendering this, I get it back, but knowing that what I get back might not be the exact specifications must still be worth the complete surrender.

I've never heard something that sweet...
But, are you sure you want me?

I'm always amazed that He wants me. Especially when I see the grit of my own sin and the junk I have in my heart. It can be so overwhelming and discouraging to see it. But I want Him. More than anything. I need to be reassured of His deep, abiding, faithful love. Hallelujah for second chances... (and third, fourth, fifth, sixth...)


I won't be full of second guesses

This is where I welcome you into my life. Keep me accountable. Ask me how my heart is, if it's finding its peace in Christ. Ask me how surrendering is going because I promise you I will fail miserably more times than not.

Until September 24th, 2008 keep me accountable.

Let's finish college strong. A half-marathon(er), a job, and complete surrender to sweet Jesus.