Here I go again on my own.

Whitesnake and Steppenwolf. Two musts on my work out playlist. Nothing can get my feet moving quite like "Here I Go Again." I'm trying this new gym routine. So far I'm enjoying it, but we'll see if it sticks. I love running and this new regime doesn't allow for more than 20-30 minutes of it and unfortunately I'm realizing I get shin splits - what the hek??. I guess it is a good thing the emphasis is weights. Yuck. I hate weights.

Anyways.

This title has more significance than just a track that popped up as I was somewhere between breathing and not breathing. I haven't wanted to blog about this because for me, once I expose it for all the world to see it somehow takes on a reality of it's own. A little less than three weeks ago my boss looked at me and said, "Well listen, we need to talk." My stomach dropped. I thought, oh crap, I'm going to get in trouble for being on facebook too much, or I'm sucking as an assistant, or he found out all my deepest darkest secrets and doesn't want me around anymore. The next few minutes were a mixture of relief and shock as I came to find out that it wasn't in fact any of those reasons but a far bigger one. One that can't be controlled by internet access, setting my clock twenty minutes ahead to make sure I get to work on time, or confessing all my wrongs. He told me that come January, I won't be able to work full time. The wonderful economy is slowing and our artists' careers are taking many different shapes. I think part of me was so relieved that I wasn't in trouble that I refused to process the implication of those words. I had to work at the office for another hour and a half (seriously, I know you read these, next time wait at least until 5... :) ) and I focused on many other things. At 5pm I said goodbye to my boss, calmly walked to the car, pulled up my mom's cell number on my phone, pressed "call" and lost it. As soon as I heard her voice I had to pull over because I was crying so hard. It wasn't even so much that I was losing my main source of income and these relationships I had invested so much in, as it was the final straw to seeing my life in Nashville completely unravel. I didn't want to tell anyone, I wanted to hide and never show my face again. Even though I know in no way is this a reflection of my worth, I still felt wounded. The worst part was that I couldn't even assign blame, as if that would somehow make the pain lessen. I wanted to scream at God, blame Him for abandoning me, for failing me right when I needed him most. But instead I felt this moment of calm. This undeniable voice sweetly asking "Do you trust Me?" My aching heart had no answer. I felt completely alone in the world. While I know that many of my friends are facing similar economic situations, they all have someone. I didn't have anyone to hold me while I cried. I didn't have the soft comforting whispers that everything was going to be okay. Even hearing my mom's voice didn't stop the physical pain. That night I talked to my dad and his advice was to get some sleep because it wouldn't hurt as much in the morning. Well, he was wrong. I think John Mayer said it best, "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part." The next day all I wanted to do was lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Instead I went to lunch with a sweet friend who spoke just the right words over my heart. All the while, I started feeling the smallest hint of relief. Guilt immediately accompanied this feeling of relief, but I didn't want to admit it. As much as I absolutely love my job and would never have left, all of the longing for an adventure, the tiredness of being in the same place, the pain of losing relationships, and the confusion of being alone started to make sense. I started to see that He has been orchestrating this moment in every area of my life... from my desire to move to London that started in May, to the ending of close friendships, to the quiet retreat of my heart from my community. My anger started to fade away and I decided to embrace the change. Some days I'm great - excited about the future and ready to take on the world. Other days, the anger flares up and I have to confess my fears, because let's be honest, the root of all anger is fear. Fear of losing something, being forgotten or ignored.

So friends - that's all I've got. I know alot of you have known about this, but for those of you who don't, this is me finally embracing all aspects of my impending reality.

My plans for January are pretty open. I can stay on part time working with Chris but I've also sent my resume to like 15 different companies, in LA, Nashville and London. If you hear of anything or have any connections, let me know okay?

Here's to the next 9 months - whatever they look like.

I love You.
I trust You.