As a little girl I was certain I was destined to be a princess. Somewhere my prince was out there and he would rescue me from my dreary chores while we rode off into the fading sun with his hair perfectly coifed. I'm sure the Disney movies I would watch on repeat didn't hurt my confidence in my future as the fairest ruler in the land. When I got a little older and really discovered boys I still believed that they would look on the inside, see the immense amount of love I was aching to give away and embrace it. Instead I found rejection and ridicule. Throughout high school my naivete didn't waver. "It gets better when they get older" was what everyone and their mother (literally) told me. I held steadfast to my innocence and knew that it would all be worth it someday. Surely by the time I was in college SOMEONE would want my love. My freshman year came and went. The summer after my freshman year I met a boy who changed my world. His friendship shook the foundation of my ideals. He was nothing I wanted and everything I wanted. My reckless heart refused to believe his only intention was friendship. As we stood at the top of the mountain gazing over the city with the stars twinkling above I was certain this was only the beginning. Little did I know that was the end. He shattered my heart less than a month later. I still have tear stains on a pillow from the torrent of tears that flowed for months. I didn't understand, I felt cheated out of everything I had saved. He didn't want it and he wasn't the first. It took me a long time to get over him. I had a few crushes throughout college and one date. At some point I met someone who blew me away in a bigger way than even HE had. Surely this man, this one who knows me and gets me in a way I never thought possible will finally love my heart, I thought.
And then he didn't
So now I don't believe in ever after let alone happily ever after - at least when it applies to me. I've moved past anger and bitterness to resignation. I know - I'm so young, only twenty-two, I have plenty of time... thanks but spare the words. Please remember that I've been dreaming about, writing notes to, praying for and protecting my heart for just one since I was eleven. That's eleven years and not once have I been picked. At some point you just have to put your sweats back on and accept the fact that the coach isn't going to put you in.
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair - let me be
and give me back my broken parts
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Ah, you never really know what's going to happen. I found that once I accepted the possibility of never finding "the one," I was much cooler with everything regarding men. I stopped thinking that every guy I met could be HIM. It's a process, and a hard one at that. Don't think I'm taking what you wrote lightly--it is hard, painful, frustrating, and frankly, it makes you wonder if you're "good enough."
At 22, your friends start getting married and you think, "Why not me?" There are only so many weddings a gal can sit through, you know? Now I'm 28 and when I see old friends (or even kids I had in youth group), they're not only married--they have kids! Often times, more than one child! I'm like, "Whoa! What was I doing when all this was going on?" I realize that I was living my life...and it's a bittersweet reminder.
Sure, I'd love to find HIM, if he's out there. Some days I'm consumed by the fear of being alone and more often than not (these days--it's a process) I am content.
Rachel, I always appreciate your blatant honest, beautiful writing style, and vulnerability. This post is an encouragement to me--someone else has felt/feels the same way I do and ADMITS IT!
Keep writing and keep dreaming!
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