The Beginning.

Getting rid of myspace changed my life. Not really. But sort of. The times I am tempted to waste precious moments of my day, now are re-directed to other tasks, be it productive or indulgent. However, there is one thing I miss about myspace.

Blogs.


Those were my moments to pour out my emotions and rationalize in words what my heart and head so consistently fought against. Reading entries from years ago until the present helped me see how Christ was slowly changing my heart and how my desires were evolving. I became more confidant in who I was. My knowledge of the world increased. I went around the country and experienced things I never could have imagined. More than that, I saw the faithfulness of my Creator. Prayers, petitions, sobs, anger, tears, jubilation, curse words, frustration, peace, surrender. I was able to look back and see where specific things I begged of the Lord, He granted. Sometimes to my relief, and sometimes to my sorrow. I saw petulant child-like behavior that started to understand the Love of the Lord a fraction more.

I've had an exciting life to be sure. One that I wouldn't change for all the monies in the world (that's for you, Janelle). Sure, there are times I wish I would have spoken up and defended myself, or I had kept silent. But the Lord has yet to fail me, so why would I expect Him to now? How dare I even imagine myself of enough consequence that He would defile His character for my insignificant life? Do I do Him a disservice by settling for someone else, when clearly I know I'm settling and no amount of reasoning can disprove that. Do I disobey Him for fear that He will disappoint? How similar I am to the Israelites. My wandering has taken on the same form... "Oh, if only I was back in slavery, at least then I would have had food... surely the Lord can't provide something from nothing." I used to scoff at those Israelites because I knew the end of the story. Redemption and Faithfulnes. Surely I would scoff at my twenty-one year old self once I saw the end of my story for my moments of unbelief.

At some point, peppermint tea started having a calming effect on my over-excitable brain. It all began when my mom brought a hot cup of tea into my room after a boy said some awful things about me. She sat on my bed, stroked my hair, and spoke soothing words over my wounded heart. I drank that tea and fell into a calm sleep. Ever since then, tea has become my go-to in times of doubt, hurt, anxiety, or fear. Sitting at a coffee shop, my eyes brim with tears as I realize I let myself wander back into my wilderness. My wilderness of limiting God and telling Him He's not enough by choosing to settle. I don't think even my favorite cup of tea can heal this one.


Am I worth the fight Lord? Am I worth the battle You have to enter into daily to keep my attention? If You saw what I see, I would expect You to walk away. But that is the beauty in grace and love.... You choose to stay and fight for me. You choose to desire me. You choose me.