God: 1 - Rachel: 0

I screamed at God this week. When I say, screamed I mean, SCREAMED. I was so angry that I was shaking. My mom called me Wednesday morning to talk about something and it was the last straw. Everything had been building up and eventually we just hung up on each other because we were both emotional. She called me back a few minutes later and by that point I was in tears. I tried explaining that it wasn't what she said that set me off but a combination of everything.

I did everything I was supposed to.

I got laid off TWICE in three months.

I made a commitment and gave it 110%.

I had PLANS.

I felt forgotten.

I felt rejected.

I felt alone.

I was mad at Toby and Amanda.

I was mad at Erika.

I was mad at him.



But really, I was mad at God.

My heart was grieving the loss of two jobs, the man I loved, and my (ex) best friend who not only deserted me when I needed her but severed EIGHT YEARS of friendship without so much as a simple phone call. Where was HE in all of this. Had I not suffered enough the last three years combined to bypass some of this pain? I just needed an ounce of hope. I needed SOMETHING to go right. That afternoon I went to apply for a restaurant job, because I still wasn't sure the status on another full time job that I've been interviewing for. The interview for this restaurant job was roughly 15 minutes and by the end of it I had the job. This job represented more than just a job, it represented a release of pressure. I wouldn't have to move back home, defeated. I wouldn't be a drain on my parents. I wouldn't be floundering in an unemployed state for another month. Hours after my temper tantrum, He provided. Ironically enough, less than 24 hours later, I was called in for a 5th and final interview with this company. I called my mom to tell her and was sort of laughing at the irony of the situation.

I WASN'T forgotten.

I WASN'T rejected.

I WASN'T alone.

I felt mildly sheepish at my petulant behavior...but I don't regret it, because there is nothing more vulnerable than the complete meltdown in front of the one you love. He still loves me in spite of the anger, frustration and words I throw at Him. I am not worthy of that kind of love.

Thank you, Lord, for the cross.


He has risen Indeed.