Gonna fix the world up for you.

I want to move mountains for you.

I want your happiness before I want my own.

I want your dreams to become a reality.

I want you to see the good in the world because I love you.

I want to be the best I can be because you believe in me.

I will love you fiercely.

I will love you selflessly.

I will be loyal to you above anyone.

I will bake you cookies for no reason.

I will write you notes so you will feel cherished.

I will never forget you.

I will always encourage you to love Christ more than you love me.

I will encourage your bromances.

I will let the boys come over and play video games / poker / smoke cigars and leave you alone.

I will always respect you.

I will always be honest with you.

I will always lean on you.

I will always be there for you to lean on.


Whoever you are, I hope you know I'm already crazy about you.

Let it be me.

Sometimes the pieces of my life are messy and sharp. It takes me by surprise when I go to pick them up and they cut my hand. They shouldn't hurt, but they do. I never thought life would end up like this. I stayed on the straight and narrow. I followed the path I was supposed to follow. All I want to do is throw my hands up in the air and scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!" Someone told me today that they were disappointed in me. I know he was tired and I'm emotional but it hurt worse than anything else. Cut me some slack! I'm twenty - two! I'm doing the best I can. I know I screwed up and I'm going to have to live with the consequences. I.get.it. What I need is support from you - not your condemnation. When it hurts I want to hide. I want to retreat into myself, shut off the lines of communication and stay away from the world. If they can't find me, it won't hurt. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I'm tired of being hurt.

Please, choose me.

You're breaking into my heart - and I'm letting you.

Dear heart,

Please don't break.

If you go, the rest of the pieces are going to come crashing down.

I know you fear the uncertain and that fear can make you manipulative, jealous, and insecure. Find your security in Him, not him. If you really trust that He is sovereign in every area of your life, you have to let go. You have to be vulnerable and open the fortress that surrounds you. The fortress that not only keeps everyone out, but keeps you in. It's going to hurt. It always does. The fear of the pain cannot dictate the relationships in your life.

Knock the walls down.
One at a time.
Break free.
Feel the sun.
And breathe.
Just. breathe.


Oh what a beautiful view, if you were never aware of what was around you.

Yours,

Rachel

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?

Any of you who have known me for a little while know that my family has walked through some painful stuff the last few years. I was on the phone with my mom yesterday and she asked me how I was doing. I think she secretly expects me to fall apart like I did in the fall, so every few days she calls me and asks me the hard questions. Anyways, I told her I was doing surprisingly well. So well in fact I thought there was something wrong because regardless of my circumstances, I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I cautiously said those words and told her my heart felt fear admitting I was happy because whenever things seem to be going smoothly, devastation immediately follows, or least it has for the last three years. It's almost like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It made me briefly reflect on how far we have come as a family and how far I have come as a young woman. I also realized that I spend so much of my life, especially in the painful seasons, with my eyes shut. My knuckles so tight they are white, my teeth clenched and my eyes refusing to see anything. I hold my breath and count to ten hoping it's over. What I miss in that moment is the beauty of the refinement process. Yes, it hurts. Yes, if I refuse to breathe and open my eyes to world around me, I might feel it a fraction less. But if I just surrender to the pain, surrender to the moments of weakness, insecurity and vulnerability, I can begin to heal faster. In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader Eustace turns into a dragon because of his selfishness and greediness. He is miserable after he can't shed his dragon skin. When he's off by himself, he meets Aslan and begs Aslan to help him. Aslan tells him there is a cure, but it is going to be painful. Eustace agrees to endure it. Aslan takes his claws and slowly begins to tear away the scales from Eustace's skin.

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel away."

How I've felt that pain - the excruciating pain that seems like it will never end. I can only imagine the tears the Father has for us as He peels away at our sin and removes the grit from our lives. When He welcome Him into that journey, we must expect that He is going to remove the hard, scaly exterior to get us to the person He created us to be. My challenge now is to keep my eyes open. How much more will I learn if I can only open my eyes a fraction more.


Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

I get by with a little help from my friends.

I have felt enormously blessed the last week. I had a dear friend ask me last night how I was feeling about life on a scale of 1-10 and I told him I was an 8.5 or a 9. He was shocked, rightly so because I had just told him I parted ways with the family I've been nannying for. But this isn't mainly about that, it's a note of gratitude for my amazing friends.

Thank you.

To all of you who prayed with me, in person, over the phone, spoke words of encouragement, made me laugh, empathized with me, and listened to me rant and rave (for a long time). Never once have I felt physically alone in this season like I did last time. I see Christ in each and every one of you - burning in such a bright way that no one can deny. There aren't even words to express the depth of my gratitude. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I owe all of you a batch of cookies :)

On that same note, you all know I'm unemployed with literally no back up plan. So I'm asking you to keep your ears open and let me know if you hear of anything. At this point, I'm willing to do anything :)


"I thank my God everytime I remember you."

Let ME build YOU a house.

I really shouldn't be up blogging right now. I'm currently going through Hot Yoga bootcamp, which basically consists of me getting up every day (m-f) at 5:15 to go do yoga in a room that is 110 degrees and 80% humidity. But I always seem to blog when it's inconvenient :)

I'm apart of a Bible study at my new church and we are studying the life of David. The timing has been perfect as it has coincided with an interesting season of my life. The part of the study I want to focus on is a section where David has become king and he's really struggling with the fact that he is living in a cedar palace and the spirit of the Lord is dwelling in a tent because the Ark of the Covenant hasn't been recovered. He asks the Lord if he can build Him a house and the Lord's response is, Let ME build YOU a house. This whole dialogue can be found in 2 Samuel 7:1-17. Read it - it is AMAZING. But the thing I want to really share is Beth Moore's commentary on the passage that literally spoke over my heart the very moment I needed to hear it.

"Do you see it? When David wanted to build a house for God, He responded 'You're not going to build a house for Me. I'm going to build a house for you!' As we conclude today's lesson, take this personally: When God doesn't appear to bless your plan to do something for Him, consider that He wants to do something for you instead. Ask Him what! Then, as He reveals it to you over time, cooperate and let Him do it! Every work of our hands that God truly blesses always originates with a specific work of His in us.

Listen, Beloved. You aren't - nor have you ever been- a failure. Anything God has stopped you from doing for Him was only so you'd be still enough to let Him first do something for you. "


Oh my gosh. I literally wept when I read that last section. There is so much freedom in someone telling you that you aren't a failure.

you.
aren't.
a.
failure.

Can you even grasp that?? I know I can't. It seems unbelievable to me that God will stop "good" to give me "best."


It's a rough time for me. I can't go into too many details but my heart is heavy. I know He's in control. I know He's sovereign and above all, I know He's GOOD.

.remember.


are you growing weary of all my good intentions?