The sounds surrounding me remind me why I love my job. The demo of a new artist playing through the office speakers while the ice cream truck's familiar tone is quietly reminding me of years gone by. Such a clash of worlds. The place I've come from and the endless possibilities of where I'm headed. Today - is a good day. Today refreshes my spirit and keeps my passion alive. I honestly cannot imagine another job and the only other thing I'm as passionate about or even interested is something I feel called to, but not at this moment. I seriously wonder why my heart has the desires it does. What is the root of my desires? Where do they come from? Scripture talks about the heart being deceitful but also to guard it for it is the wellspring of life. I often feel I don't know my own heart. It tends to have a mind of it's own and runaway from me on numerous occasions. My inclination is to wander and romanticize adventures and lives I'm not living. How do I blend my dreams? They always seem to contradict each other. I was reminded today that He is stronger than the storm. Things in my life are fairly peaceful right now. For the moment being nothing is shaking my world (famous last words) except that my heart feels like it is a hurricane of a storm. My emotions go back and forth day to day trying to convince me of one thing or another. My circumstances seem so much bigger than the One who orchestrated my life. This one blip of time is just that - a blip. Ultimately my goal in life is to bring glory to God. Besides selling all my worldly possessions and packing up for Africa, how do I do that? How do I bring glory to God in my job, my relationships, my finances? I've finally surrendered my desire and urge to get married when I'm 23. I have SO many adventures I want to lead. And these very adventures make me afraid that I will spend my time roving the earth searching for contentment in my nomad like lifestyle that I'll lose my chance to get married and raise a family. A calling I still feel. I want my story to look like everyone else's. Logical. At least in my mind their stories are logical. I'm starting to feel bigger than the story being written in Nashville. Is this an arrogant assumption of my own worth or a calling to bigger things? Where do I begin to sort through these things? My first reaction is to blow off the desires because they involve so much 'self' and 'ego.' I'm afraid that if I pursue them it will be for my benefit only. This is something the Lord has opened the doors for - and as of late the doors have been shut but not locked. Daily I'm talking myself down from the ledge of doing something spontaneous and irrational - like picking up life and moving to a foreign country just for the hell of it. Gah. All these thoughts swirling about in my brain. I just need to stop and run to my Savior. Sort the pieces out with Him. I need a Jesus date and tonight looks like the perfect night to have one.
Any advice to stop the storm?
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Well, first of all, I'm glad you surrendered your dating desires. I'm 28, and if you get married before me, I'll never interview one of your artists ever again. Just kidding. :)
I think when you graduate college, you get this idea that there's huge and marvelous adventure out there. Like the culture has this idea that life is one big pool party and all you've got to do is jump in. The truth is less glamorous, more mundane, and much more practical.
You still have a lot of dreams and idealism left in you, Rachel, and that's a beautiful thing. I imagine living in Nashville surrounded by musicians who are traveling interesting places and doing this and that is a bit frustrating. You want adventure, too! Although, to me, sitting here in PA interviewing and writing from my apartment, your job seems wonderful to me. Ha, bet you didn't think anyone would think *YOU* were on the lucky end of adventure, did you?
The coolest thing about your post is that you spend a lot of it asking questions, and then you sort of resolve your own heart by the end saying that you will trust God to take care of it all. I mean, sometimes I want to pack my bags and move here or there or do this or that. A lot of us have that spirit of adventure in us; we want to do great things for God.
Sometimes the waiting is the hardest (and most delicious) part because we are being prepared, constantly, for something...who knows what? But whatever it is, we serve to give God all the glory. No matter what happens with you, Rachel, I know that as you continue opening your heart to Him and listen...you will always know where to find your heart's adventure. Maybe not initially, maybe it'll take a lot of talking to God, and a ton of faith...but you know all that. Keep on seeking, girl, He promises to be found.
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