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It feels like chaos.

There's alot of emotions swirling around in my head and heart. Most of them hurt. This is a hard week.

Last week I heard this song on the radio and I bought it on my phone almost as soon as it finished.


It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender


Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me

I give everything

I surrender...


To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly


Time to face up
Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house


Time to breathe in and let everything out




Trying to breathe in and let everything out.

My hope is in Him.

In Repair

John Mayer has always been able to write songs that I relate to in an almost uncanny way. It's probably why he's selling a crap ton of records. I've re-discovered a CD that I burned that has a bunch of songs from Room For Squares, Heavier Things and Continuum. It's a great little mix and it's been on repeat in my car. Recently, I can't get past "In Repair." There is something so fitting about that song and the place I'm in. Slowly but surely I'm beginning my climb up the mountain. Granted I still slide back down but inch by inch it's getting better.

Oh, it's taking so long.
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair


Some big things are happening. Things that six months ago I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle. I still might break down and cry the day away but I know that it won't destroy me.

I asked for a way out - if it wasn't me, then I needed a way out.

I got that way - I just never realized it would wreck my entire life.

That's the amazing/painful/scary/real thing about walking with Jesus. When you give your life to Him, He comes in and wrecks the entire thing. Once the walk REALLY starts, He pulls away at the armor and destroys it piece by piece. What a season of refinement this is...

I'm in repair
I'm not together, but I'm getting there

Numb

I've been operating in the "numb" category for quite some time. Rejection, disappointment and hurt have been my constant companion for awhile now and at some point, I put a wall up. I shut down and didn't want to engage in my relationship with the Lord because I felt so betrayed and forgotten. I don't understand why I've had SEVEN INTERVIEWS with Dave Ramsey and haven't gotten a single offer. I don't understand why everyone else seems to be finding amazing jobs and nothing is coming my way. I don't want this to come across as whiny and complaining - I'm just truly at a loss. I'm in the most vulnerable place I've ever been in. It hurts too much to pray, to hope and be disappointed, to read scripture and see God's faithfulness for everyone but me. This is exactly the place Satan wants me in. To get me hopeless and in the pit of despair.

Today I got a phone call from someone very near and dear to me. At one point he said, "Rachel, I just feel like God wants me to remind you that not only is my love for you unconditional, but God's love is even more so. He loves you and you need to know that." It rocked my world. Tears immediately sprung into my eyes and I couldn't disguise the emotion as I tried to explain how things have been rough for me lately - that I've been in a bad place. It took those few words to encourage my heart in a way that it hasn't felt in months. This is a valley. It's a dark scary place that I've never been in before and it shows no sign of ending anytime soon. But I'm not alone and no matter how afraid or angry I am - I am not alone. I may push and push and push Him away but He knows that every push is a broken cry for Him to hold me tighter and to never ever let go.

Today I felt like a daughter sheltered in her Father's arms.

Today I felt like I could survive another day of vulnerability.

Today it didn't hurt as bad.

Today - I felt hope.

This could be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive.

My spirit was made to wander. There is nothing more exciting to me than packing up my suitcase, jumping in a van, bus, plane, train, whatever, and taking off for places unknown. I think it's because I'm certain that I'm missing out on something better somewhere else. Sometimes I wonder if the longing of my heart to be a gypsy will ever cease. Will I ever want to put down roots and be content with where I am? Especially now - with things being so unstable and uncertain, I just want to traipse across the world and see it all. We moved and traveled so much when I was a kid that it just seems natural to change my surroundings often. I miss it. I miss seeing the world with my family. I know I've said this before but I never thought my life would turn out the way that it has. I literally have no plan for what's next. Just when I think I'm about to get back on track, I get thrown another curveball. It's starting to wear me down. How much longer do I have to endure the rejection and the disappointment? His faithfulness I am certain of, but it's the timing that has me questioning. Do I remain in this place forever? Is this my wilderness? The longings of my heart aren't being fulfilled - is it because my longings aren't what's best for my life? So many questions and never any answers.

I feel like I fall in love with a new job every day. This one, I tell myself, this one is different... it's special. I want to shout from the world my passion and excitement about the thought of this and yet my fragile heart fears to be disappointed. I don't want any job, I want THE job. I want the job that I can give my life to - that will make a difference in the world - that will combine my passions and my strengths. I want to care for the widows and orphans and I want to use music to do that. But how? How can I move this impossibly big mountain in front of me? Is THIS the job or am I just making myself fall in love again?

Why do I feel like I'm climbing a mountain and not getting anywhere?

"...because of the Lord, who is faithful, the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you... Though she may forget, I will not forget you." - Isaiah 49

I'm staring at the mess I made.

I should have held my ground
I should have spoken up
I should have proudly claimed
that oh my head's to blame for all my heart's mistakes.

I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made

as you turn, you take your heart and walk away.

It's on me now... as you go.

Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever wonder what I'm doing?

I'm sorry - I was so young, so unsure and so afraid.

But I've changed. Come find me.

The familiar ache

I'm packing up my apartment - getting ready to move just a few streets away. I have a love / hate relationship with moving. I love starting over, getting the chance to make new memories, cleaning out the old and closing a door. I hate packing everything up, cleaning my old apartment and the fear of the unknown with the new place. Last night I was going through some old journals and I came across the last entries before I met Tyler, the two after I met him, and the many after my heart was shattered. One in particular stood out. I remember writing it. I had just woken up from the most realistic dream I've ever had. He held my hand, told me he was sorry and that it was all a big misunderstanding. Then he kissed me. When I woke up, I realized it was all a dream, and he was still mad at me. My heart was still broken and I realized I was probably never going to see him again. I wept for hours that day. Hours. This journal entry chronicled the pain. All the things I had loved about him, all the things I missed, all the things that infuriated me, all the things I wanted back. And then I cried for my broken heart. For the months that I spent crying myself to sleep. All I could ask the Lord was if He wept for me too? During that terrible time, did He mourn for my broken heart? I know He did. I know that His tears were mixed in with mine as I laid there unable to breathe. I know He ached with me during the mornings I couldn't get out of bed. I know He knew. He knew...

It's been four years, almost to the day, since I met him. If I could go back to myself during that time all I would tell myself is to be confident in who I was and love without reservation. I wouldn't take back one single moment of that summer, I would only take back the way it fell apart. I should have been honest. I should have been the one to tell him. I should have grabbed him and kissed him when I had the chance. If only... but, I didn't, because that's not who I am. Anchorman was our movie. Wild Ginger was our restaurant. Sundays were our mornings. I have an extraordinary and rare love. And you didn't want it. I hope you're happy now, I really do.

But there is still a tiny bit of me that hopes the ring you gave to her turns her finger green.

Never again - will I kiss you
Never again - will I want to.
Never again - will I love you.

Never.