Captivating.

In high school I read alot of books and wrote papers on courtship versus dating. I was genuinely curious about this topic as the whole I Kissed Dating Goodbye phenomenon hit right about the time I was entering the ranks of "dating." Hindsight being 20/20 I see now that most of my curiosity was an attempt to cover my fears of never getting chosen. It didn't lessen the blows of rejection at all, but it was a good mask for the public.

The fall of my sophomore year, my heart was shattered. Again - old news. After several weeks of wallowing I did what most girls do when they get their hearts broken. I took myself to Claire's and got a piercing. I also dyed my hair dark. I didn't want to see a trace of the girl that got her broken. I put up a rough exterior and tried to forget his sweet face. Part of this "change" was that I swore off dating for an entire year. I know - so big :) For me, it was. I vowed to give up all boys until the following October. I made it until February - but I digress. The day I "swore off boys" I went to a bookstore and happened to see a copy of a new book called Captivating. I picked it up, mildly interested and decided to give it a try. What happened through that book was alot of self-searching, pain, tears and finally freedom. In Captivating, Staci and John Elderidge talk about the mystery of the heart of a woman bringing out the man in men. I sort of understood what they were saying. Up until that point I had never really seen any of my friends fall into TRUE love. Even as I went through the next two years and my friends started getting married, I was never close enough with the guy to see how she changed everything about him just because she was secure in being a woman. Awhile back I found out one of my guy friends was getting the girl he was dating flowers. "Stay away from carnations" was my internal thought as soon as I found out. Not wanting to meddle, I kept my mouth shut. Then tonight when I was running on the treadmill (some point between breathing and not breathing) I finally understood what everyone meant when they say that a woman content in who she is has the power to bring out and enable men to be men. This girl, the way she lives her life, holds her head, smiles, pursues Jesus and loves those around her, allows him to be the man God created him to be. To pursue the way he was intended to pursue. She has for lack of a better term - Captivated him.

It was such a beautiful moment of realization. I'm amazed that it was this particular guy friend. He was the least likely person to ever teach me (unknowingly) this lesson. Anyways.

Big things are happening in my world. Things that I haven't fully yet processed but are terrifying and thrilling. Throughout this time my rational side is urging my irrational side to just do one thing. Remember. Remember the deeds of the Lord. He is compassionate, merciful, loving, and faithful.

My pastor has been speaking the last few months on Exodus. It's an amazing series. You can check it out here

One of the post powerful statements I've ever heard is this.

(In Reference to idols in our lives we might not know about)

"You will know if something is an idol by the way you react when it is taken away from you."

wow. If only you knew how powerful those words were days before things changed. God is intentional and not surprised. There is so much comfort in that.



When the world has fallen out
from under me
I'll be found in you.

Still Standing

Dear Nashville.

Dear Nashville.

We've had a good four years, haven't we? When I first moved here as a wide-eyed 17 year old, I was convinced you were made for me. I sweated through that first fall, put up with the sleety rain, endured a broken heart-broken arm- "mistaken" pregnancy-104 degree fever with the flu- and still loved you even when you hit 90 degrees in April. I forgave the lack of fall weather that first year because some hurricane blew away all your pretty leaves and just left you with dead brown mush on the ground. It's okay, Nashville, I know it wasn't your fault. That summer after my freshman year I desperately wanted to return to you. Colorado Springs didn't hold a candle to you. I came back that fall excited for a new adventure. I put up with the heat because I still believed you were my soulmate. When December rolled around and we still had 70+ degree days I started getting a tiny bit frustrated but soon let go because I knew I was going back to Colorado where I would enjoy plenty of snow and cold weather. Then I made the life changing decision to stay in Nashville year - round with only a few jaunts home. Which meant I endured a Nashville summer. Really? It can get that hot and humid in one place for that long? I didn't even know it was possible. Summers in Chicago don't even come close to your ability to get hotter and hotter and more humid. How do you do it? I was a little frustrated with you when my electric bill was close to $150... in September. That second summer I sort of dreaded staying here with you but luckily I got to travel for 1/3 of it so I put up with you until it was 100 degrees + for more than two weeks. That was completely unacceptable. I almost put in my two weeks notice but you cooled off rather quickly once we got into October. All was forgiven and forgotten. Then you had to go and get hot in APRIL. April?? Why couldn't you wait until May like the rest of the world? This summer has been stifling and now we're into October. October 14th to be exact. Thanksgiving is 6 weeks away and I'm still wearing short sleeves, flip flops and sun dresses. I'm sorry but you LOOK like fall, SMELL like fall and TASTE like fall (Starbucks brought back Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Fido is out of caramel apple cider). Why oh why can't you FEEL LIKE FALL? Do you know how much I'm struggling with the fact that you're completely skipping my favorite season? I'm starting to resent you. In fact - I don't know if I can put up with much more of this nonsensical summer from April until October. You know I hate the heat so why do you torment me? Is it because I haven't switched my residency to Tennessee yet? Are you really that upset?

Listen, if things don't change soon we might have to break up.

Yours,

Rachel

I'm a gallery of broken hearts.

As a little girl I was certain I was destined to be a princess. Somewhere my prince was out there and he would rescue me from my dreary chores while we rode off into the fading sun with his hair perfectly coifed. I'm sure the Disney movies I would watch on repeat didn't hurt my confidence in my future as the fairest ruler in the land. When I got a little older and really discovered boys I still believed that they would look on the inside, see the immense amount of love I was aching to give away and embrace it. Instead I found rejection and ridicule. Throughout high school my naivete didn't waver. "It gets better when they get older" was what everyone and their mother (literally) told me. I held steadfast to my innocence and knew that it would all be worth it someday. Surely by the time I was in college SOMEONE would want my love. My freshman year came and went. The summer after my freshman year I met a boy who changed my world. His friendship shook the foundation of my ideals. He was nothing I wanted and everything I wanted. My reckless heart refused to believe his only intention was friendship. As we stood at the top of the mountain gazing over the city with the stars twinkling above I was certain this was only the beginning. Little did I know that was the end. He shattered my heart less than a month later. I still have tear stains on a pillow from the torrent of tears that flowed for months. I didn't understand, I felt cheated out of everything I had saved. He didn't want it and he wasn't the first. It took me a long time to get over him. I had a few crushes throughout college and one date. At some point I met someone who blew me away in a bigger way than even HE had. Surely this man, this one who knows me and gets me in a way I never thought possible will finally love my heart, I thought.

And then he didn't


So now I don't believe in ever after let alone happily ever after - at least when it applies to me. I've moved past anger and bitterness to resignation. I know - I'm so young, only twenty-two, I have plenty of time... thanks but spare the words. Please remember that I've been dreaming about, writing notes to, praying for and protecting my heart for just one since I was eleven. That's eleven years and not once have I been picked. At some point you just have to put your sweats back on and accept the fact that the coach isn't going to put you in.


Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair - let me be
and give me back my broken parts

Just so you know...

I'm going to run.

I love September

My blogs have been slightly melancholy the last few months. I've been struggling with the adjustment from college student to self sufficient grown up (ish). I know I've been slightly unpleasant, flaky and moody so thank you for those of you who had to put up with me. I had a break through last week and 90% of it came from finally finding someone who can treat my fatigue. I feel better than I have in a long long long time and I'm not on any medication. No advil, no prescriptions, no sleeping pills, nothing. Which for me is HUGE. I've consistently been on various medicines for years and had given up hope that there was a solution and not just a maintenance program. But Exodus Health Center deserves it's own blog. SO onto bigger and better things :)

September is my favorite month. Or maybe October. Probably September.

Why you might ask?

1) My birthday. I love my birthday. I love the phone calls, cards, emails and now facebook messages of people wishing only me good tidings. I know - selfish, immature, etc, but i LOVE to bring all my friends together and celebrate. It means so much more than just a day to be recognized. The attention itself embarrasses me a little bit but the day is my favorite.

2) Fall officially begins September 23. The day before my birthday. Had my mother given birth forty-eight hours earlier I would have been a summer baby and we all know how I feel about summer. Fall is the most magnificent time of the year. The weather cools down to sweater and jean season, the leaves burst into brilliant reds, golds, and oranges, and the world takes on a slower pace. The sun starts to set a little earlier, we retreat to our homes, or gather around a campfire that can now serve two purposes - warmth and s'mores - and the food. Oh the food of fall. Apple pies, pumpkin pies, chili, stew, hot chocolate. There is no better time to bring this out than fall.

3) The beginning of school. I LOVED the beginning of school. I'm sure part of this is because the first month of school you get all the social benefits and none of the academic downsides. Friends reconvene after long absences, stories are told, summer tans begin to fade and you pick up the rhythm of life once again. Things are more consistent once the fall begins. This is my first year without that staple and sense of purpose. Now I have a new sense of purpose. My first fall with paid vacations days and nothing to do on them but relax. No homework or papers, classes or quizzes, readings or presentations. My time is all my own. Like a sweet little present for me to enjoy every single day.

4) This is a new one but precious nonetheless. My best friend is getting married. Not only do I share my birthday with the best time of the year, but now I will share the month in celebration of my best friend joining her life to another and taking a new name. She has loved me better probably than any other person and knows just what to do or say to make me laugh (or piss me off). My sweet friend moved here in February and I have been BLESSED to spend this season of pre-marriage with her while she plans the details of the best day of her life. One week from tomorrow my mother will come to Nashville and one week from Thursday we will venture down to the coast of Florida to spend four days with her. I am SO excited for her to become Mrs. Carouthers. Chad is a lucky lucky man and I wouldn't have parted with her to anyone less. Santos - you are half of my life and I appreciate you more than you know.

So yes. Find me now because I have many many things to be thankful for in this season. And if I complain you have my full permission to belittle me.


His mercies are new every morning.

My heart is heavy today.

I don't like being human today. My body hurts, I'm ready to drop from exhaustion, my heart hurts and I just need a good cry. My heart is breaking for so many people today.

Pray for us, will you?
Pray that God will step in and be a great Healer.
Pray that He shows up and all is not lost.
Pray that He has grace and mercy.

My heart is aching.

Happy August!

I've discovered a few things about myself as I get older. At the ripe old age of (almost) 22, here is what I've allowed myself to acknowledge.

1) I don't like summer. I don't like heat and humidity. A few jaunts into the warmth and sunshine a couple times a year are all I need to be quite content. Fall is my season of choice. I would much rather wake up to gloomy and rainy. Which is precisely why I ask myself from Mid-April until early October why I live in Nashville.

2) I'm messy. Mom - if you're reading this I'm really sorry, but I haven't cleaned my room in a really long time. I value many more things above a clean room. Like helping my best friend punch 350 holes into her wedding programs. But about once a month I'll go into a cleaning frenzy, deep clean, and vow to never let it get that messy again which it inevitably does.

3) I get embarrassed easily. For myself, my friends, complete strangers. I FEEL probably more than the average person. I can't help it. I often live in extremes - but sometimes its better to feel intense joy or pain than to feel numbness.

4) I'm trying to live with no regrets. This harkens back to number three with getting embarrassed easily. Seriously - ask my family about the things I used to do as a child. I lived in some other world and had no shame in anything up until puberty kicked in and one becomes extremely self-aware of one's own awkwardness (which I still haven't outgrown by the way). I've done some pretty ridiculous things and my new mantra is to live with no regrets. Each awkward situation, each moment where I inserted foot in mouth, each time I spoke up when I should have remained silent, has in some way shaped a little piece of who I am.

5) I'm not super outdoors-y. My mother grew up camping and fishing for every vacation. She grew so tired of it that she swore to herself to never make her children do it. My dad grew up in Los Angeles and Southern Arizona. He did the required "boy camp outdoor" things but it never attracted his interest. So needless to say, I grew up in Hiltons, Embassy Suites, vacations in Hawaii, Europe and Mexico. The closest I've come to "roughing it" is staying in a camping cabin in South Dakota with a working bathroom, kitchen and air conditioning. I think I attempted one night in a tent in our backyard as a child but fear of evil squirrels and bears (we lived in Chicago... - but that fear was much more justifiable once we moved to Colorado) drove me and my friends into the house. Living in Colorado I started to have a little more tolerance for woods and bugs and nature but it wouldn't be my "vacation" of choice. I've always wanted to be that Northfleece, Nalgene, Teva, all natural, rock climbing girl. But I'm just not. And that's okay. My idea of vacation is sitting at home watching movies, drinking tea, or laying on a beach or exploring old cities. I see beauty in the significance of places - the old cathedrals in London, the palace in Versailles, the underground catacombs in Rome. Those adventures energize me. Hiking the AT doesn't really catch my fancy.

6) I'm not a morning person. There is nothing appealing to me about 6 am. 6 am runs, quiet times, homework, reading. Nothing. If you've seen me in the morning you know I don't really function for the first 45-60 minutes I'm awake. I don't like people to talk to me, ask questions, greet me, etc. I just want to slowly wake up .

I'm learning to embrace these things. I can't hide them anymore or change my preferences to accommodate a boy I like or friends I want to impress. I talked with one of my dear best friends yesterday about a major life / job decision she has to make. And all I could say was this. You get to spend your life any way you want. You decide that. But you only get to spend it once. Do you want to spend it building up a title and a name to impress people with or do you want to spend it doing something you absolutely love that generally doesn't have as much societal respect. Both are fine choices but you only get to choose to spend it once.

I'm learning how to do that. I'm learning how to spend my life the way I doing the things I want to do and not what society expects of me. Because I can't borrow on credit :)

What are you doing to spend your life on?