My heart is heavy today.

I don't like being human today. My body hurts, I'm ready to drop from exhaustion, my heart hurts and I just need a good cry. My heart is breaking for so many people today.

Pray for us, will you?
Pray that God will step in and be a great Healer.
Pray that He shows up and all is not lost.
Pray that He has grace and mercy.

My heart is aching.

Happy August!

I've discovered a few things about myself as I get older. At the ripe old age of (almost) 22, here is what I've allowed myself to acknowledge.

1) I don't like summer. I don't like heat and humidity. A few jaunts into the warmth and sunshine a couple times a year are all I need to be quite content. Fall is my season of choice. I would much rather wake up to gloomy and rainy. Which is precisely why I ask myself from Mid-April until early October why I live in Nashville.

2) I'm messy. Mom - if you're reading this I'm really sorry, but I haven't cleaned my room in a really long time. I value many more things above a clean room. Like helping my best friend punch 350 holes into her wedding programs. But about once a month I'll go into a cleaning frenzy, deep clean, and vow to never let it get that messy again which it inevitably does.

3) I get embarrassed easily. For myself, my friends, complete strangers. I FEEL probably more than the average person. I can't help it. I often live in extremes - but sometimes its better to feel intense joy or pain than to feel numbness.

4) I'm trying to live with no regrets. This harkens back to number three with getting embarrassed easily. Seriously - ask my family about the things I used to do as a child. I lived in some other world and had no shame in anything up until puberty kicked in and one becomes extremely self-aware of one's own awkwardness (which I still haven't outgrown by the way). I've done some pretty ridiculous things and my new mantra is to live with no regrets. Each awkward situation, each moment where I inserted foot in mouth, each time I spoke up when I should have remained silent, has in some way shaped a little piece of who I am.

5) I'm not super outdoors-y. My mother grew up camping and fishing for every vacation. She grew so tired of it that she swore to herself to never make her children do it. My dad grew up in Los Angeles and Southern Arizona. He did the required "boy camp outdoor" things but it never attracted his interest. So needless to say, I grew up in Hiltons, Embassy Suites, vacations in Hawaii, Europe and Mexico. The closest I've come to "roughing it" is staying in a camping cabin in South Dakota with a working bathroom, kitchen and air conditioning. I think I attempted one night in a tent in our backyard as a child but fear of evil squirrels and bears (we lived in Chicago... - but that fear was much more justifiable once we moved to Colorado) drove me and my friends into the house. Living in Colorado I started to have a little more tolerance for woods and bugs and nature but it wouldn't be my "vacation" of choice. I've always wanted to be that Northfleece, Nalgene, Teva, all natural, rock climbing girl. But I'm just not. And that's okay. My idea of vacation is sitting at home watching movies, drinking tea, or laying on a beach or exploring old cities. I see beauty in the significance of places - the old cathedrals in London, the palace in Versailles, the underground catacombs in Rome. Those adventures energize me. Hiking the AT doesn't really catch my fancy.

6) I'm not a morning person. There is nothing appealing to me about 6 am. 6 am runs, quiet times, homework, reading. Nothing. If you've seen me in the morning you know I don't really function for the first 45-60 minutes I'm awake. I don't like people to talk to me, ask questions, greet me, etc. I just want to slowly wake up .

I'm learning to embrace these things. I can't hide them anymore or change my preferences to accommodate a boy I like or friends I want to impress. I talked with one of my dear best friends yesterday about a major life / job decision she has to make. And all I could say was this. You get to spend your life any way you want. You decide that. But you only get to spend it once. Do you want to spend it building up a title and a name to impress people with or do you want to spend it doing something you absolutely love that generally doesn't have as much societal respect. Both are fine choices but you only get to choose to spend it once.

I'm learning how to do that. I'm learning how to spend my life the way I doing the things I want to do and not what society expects of me. Because I can't borrow on credit :)

What are you doing to spend your life on?

Please don't run away.

We're on day 3 of PWI. For those of you who don't know (or haven't had the privilege of hearing me complain for the last 9 months), Pure Worship Institute (PWI for short) is a 6 day conference Jeff Deyo (one of our bands) is hosting this week in Nashville. Around 70 students have come from all over the country to learn about worship and various aspects of leading it / being involved. It's an extremely comprehensive week long conference affectionately known as the Deyolution. From my perspective alot of this has been a logistical nightmare. Building a conference from scratch is a helluva lot harder than I thought it would be. We were going off what we anticipated would be the needs rather than anything we had from past experience. Months of planning and praying and work have gone into this thing. And on Sunday evening we officially kicked off the first night of the first ever. There was something so gratifying to see all the work we had done come to fruition. Granted it definitely hasn't gone off without a hitch... there have been many hitches as a matter of fact. Each one of them designed to test one of us on the team. Our coordinator's father falling seriously ill, Chris' uncle passing away, problems with a couple of the shuttles and picking people up (my problem), brochures and passes not being printed correctly, etc are all things we've wrestled with the last three days. And I have struggled immensely with this. Mostly because the problems that directly related to the work I had done made me feel less than I am. I felt like all the hard work I had done and all my careful planning and organizing and hundreds of email did nothing to help the event run smoothly, it had, in fact the opposite reaction of what I hoped. Failure seems to be my constant companion these days. For once in my life I don't have anything to fall back on that I excel in. I'm learning to fly without a safety net. I'm bruised, vulnerable, and defeated. But for some reason I'm still fighting for this. Every day I tell myself I'm going to quit and go find something menial that I can be great at instead of being mediocre at best in something that actually matters. I don't feel worthy or competent enough to be given responsibility of this level. Why me? Why has the Lord chosen me to walk this path? What about this will bring Him glory in the end? Can He find glory in my stubbornness and my failure? Can He work through that? Because I often times feel like He can't and I'm one big walking disappointment :)

There is a song by a new (ish) band called Varnadore. This song is titled "Hopeless Case" and I've had it on repeat for days. Check out the lyrics and then head to their myspace. They are a little musical gem.

Hopeless Case

So I recognize you're amazing
I've known it since the day we met
Oh Beautiful, you are my darling
but lately you can't stand yourself

'Cause you've been hurt by the world
It's such a painful place to be
but I still see beauty

So darling don't you fear
I know you're not a hopeless case
and you were meant for more
This is a temporary state
and don't believe you've gone too far
I love you just the same.

So please don't run away.

So you're feeling pretty lonely
You are not who you thought you'd be
Well everybody needs forgiveness
Even sometimes from themselves

When you're hurt by the world
It's such a painful place to be
but i still see beauty

So darling don't you fear
I know you're not a hopeless case
You were meant for more
This is a temporary state
Don't believe you've gone too far
I love you just the same

So please don't run away.

You've been scared to face yourself at night
Telling everyone that you're "just fine"
Tell me what's the use in life if you can't be free?

So darling don't you fear
I know you're not a hopeless case
You were meant for more
This is a temporary state
and don't believe you've gone too far
I love you just the same

so please dont run away.

www.myspace.com/varnadoreband


This time - I'm trying not to run away.

Forbidden fruit.

I'm not going to lie. I often get mad at Adam and Eve for screwing up and bringing the curse of death upon us. But really when I think about how many MORE people would have been tempted along the way, I realize they were actually just the scapegoats for the inevitable. Satan was clearly determined to bring down mankind and would have continued his temptation regardless. Someone was bound to crack - why not the first people on earth? At least there is no pressure for their ancestors (read: every single person that walked this earth) not to screw up. Lately I've been struggling with the battle of flesh vs. spirit. Granted I know this battle will always exist but it seems rather persistent in it's nature as of late. Part of the problem (well... the answer) is that Romans 12:2 says not to be conformed to the world. This verse is a see-saw battle for me. There is something so attractive about the world. It has bright lights and shiny objects. It whispers promises of fulfillment and happiness. It fills up your mind with visions of greatness and perfection. Sometimes the attraction is so strong it is easy for me to forget that the bite of this apple will bring death. I struggle. I battle with seeing the world for the empty broken shell it is and not getting caught up in the materialism of it all.

I think the church does a really poor job of addressing the allure of the world. Sure - we as Christians understand and KNOW that all of these promises are empty and ultimately lead to death but in the heat of the moment, at our weakest point, all we can see is the deceptive beauty of the flickering lights. Maybe it is because our church leaders are so seasoned in their faith that the world's appeal is lackluster. But most likely not. Are we afraid to admit the appeal of the world's promises because it somehow invalidates our faith? I will be the first to admit there are MANY appealing things about living for the flesh. Denying the existence of these feelings or attractions only gives them power to fester in our souls and make them more elusive thus more appealing. I love C.S. Lewis' take on this whole thing in the Screwtape Letters. The demons always tell each other that they can only win the battle if they continue to make the humans live in apathy. Because God is truth once we start to questions things, we will be given wisdom to see the lies we are believing. Maybe I'm just using that example as an excuse for my child-like rebellion.

Another hard sell is that our reward for resisting temptation and not conforming is in heaven. Sometimes I wonder if when I stand before the throne I'll be talking to the Big Guy (i'm pretty sure He hates that term) and He'll be like - Oh, by the way, here's your reward for not indulging in ____ . And then He'll hand me a hershey bar except the hershey bar will be calorie free, because obviously heavenly chocolate won't make you gain weight. I know this may seem blasphemous but these are truly things I struggle with.

Anyways - these are just a friday mid-morning musing (yeaaah for alliteration!). I know I'm pretty inconsistent with this blog. I just don't feel like posting things unless I feel like they are relevant or (somewhat) interesting.

That's all.

the One who is stronger than the storm.

The sounds surrounding me remind me why I love my job. The demo of a new artist playing through the office speakers while the ice cream truck's familiar tone is quietly reminding me of years gone by. Such a clash of worlds. The place I've come from and the endless possibilities of where I'm headed. Today - is a good day. Today refreshes my spirit and keeps my passion alive. I honestly cannot imagine another job and the only other thing I'm as passionate about or even interested is something I feel called to, but not at this moment. I seriously wonder why my heart has the desires it does. What is the root of my desires? Where do they come from? Scripture talks about the heart being deceitful but also to guard it for it is the wellspring of life. I often feel I don't know my own heart. It tends to have a mind of it's own and runaway from me on numerous occasions. My inclination is to wander and romanticize adventures and lives I'm not living. How do I blend my dreams? They always seem to contradict each other. I was reminded today that He is stronger than the storm. Things in my life are fairly peaceful right now. For the moment being nothing is shaking my world (famous last words) except that my heart feels like it is a hurricane of a storm. My emotions go back and forth day to day trying to convince me of one thing or another. My circumstances seem so much bigger than the One who orchestrated my life. This one blip of time is just that - a blip. Ultimately my goal in life is to bring glory to God. Besides selling all my worldly possessions and packing up for Africa, how do I do that? How do I bring glory to God in my job, my relationships, my finances? I've finally surrendered my desire and urge to get married when I'm 23. I have SO many adventures I want to lead. And these very adventures make me afraid that I will spend my time roving the earth searching for contentment in my nomad like lifestyle that I'll lose my chance to get married and raise a family. A calling I still feel. I want my story to look like everyone else's. Logical. At least in my mind their stories are logical. I'm starting to feel bigger than the story being written in Nashville. Is this an arrogant assumption of my own worth or a calling to bigger things? Where do I begin to sort through these things? My first reaction is to blow off the desires because they involve so much 'self' and 'ego.' I'm afraid that if I pursue them it will be for my benefit only. This is something the Lord has opened the doors for - and as of late the doors have been shut but not locked. Daily I'm talking myself down from the ledge of doing something spontaneous and irrational - like picking up life and moving to a foreign country just for the hell of it. Gah. All these thoughts swirling about in my brain. I just need to stop and run to my Savior. Sort the pieces out with Him. I need a Jesus date and tonight looks like the perfect night to have one.

Any advice to stop the storm?

Leave the pieces when you go.

I was talking to one of my best friends - Krystin - the other night and we were talking about where God has us both right now. She's in Texas right now, which has sucked, and we were both trying to make sense of why she's there. I started to think about it and said somethings to her which I realized where actually aimed more at my own spiritual wilderness than anyones. I've been in an interesting place for the last six months. I've let myself wander back into the desert. I can blame it on busy-ness, frustration, my circumstances or anything else for that matter, but what it comes down to is laziness and pride. I have been LAZY in my walk. And prideful to think I have orchestrated my circumstances. So all of that to say, when I think about the Israelites and how my own life mirrors theirs in so many ways, I realized that while God let them wander for 40 years, complaining, blaming Him, lost, confused, hurting... He still provided the manna. Regardless of their hearts or attitudes, He provided sustenance for them to continue and a miracle. Now I certainly don't want to wander for the next 40 years, I need to realized that He'll provide the manna regardless of where my heart is - in the desert or in the promised land.

What it comes down to is I really need to say I'm sorry.

To alot of people - and if you're one of them, then I'm so so sorry.



You're gonna break my heart anyway-
So just leave the pieces when you go.




ps. I totally have a crush on Prince Caspian.
pps. and I totally got another fish - and named him Caspian.

;)

I thought I was supposed to be smarter?

SO I graduated?

Not sure if you knew that or not - i didn't drop any subtle hints or anything (*ahem*countdownpicturesstatus). I seriously cannot believe it is over...

But I feel sort of cheated. I thought going to college meant I got all the answers, but what I've realized is that the answers are just more questions. Confusing. I know.

Such a bizarre time. The one thing I've used to identify myself in society has been taken away. I no longer claim "student" as my occupation. Where is my place in this city, my church, my relationships? How do I take this new role and redefine who I think I have become to fit a new person. Who do I want to be? The more I try to be what I think I want, the more I have to laugh at myself and just give up. I will never be that girl - that's got to be okay. I'm not mysterious and charming. I'm simple. Transparent. Loving. Vulnerable. Thank you Dave Barnes for writing the song "When a Heart Breaks" - my favorite line maybe ever written in a song: "Does something unrequited mean it can never be?" Oh how I wish I was a gifted lyricist.




Regardless of that - I'm excited for this time to be free. Free to travel, discover, explore. I can do whatever I want!!! Such freedom and responsibility :)


Buy DCFC "Narrow Stairs" and go see "Prince Caspian" - not to be bossy, but they are worth it :)