Forbidden fruit.

I'm not going to lie. I often get mad at Adam and Eve for screwing up and bringing the curse of death upon us. But really when I think about how many MORE people would have been tempted along the way, I realize they were actually just the scapegoats for the inevitable. Satan was clearly determined to bring down mankind and would have continued his temptation regardless. Someone was bound to crack - why not the first people on earth? At least there is no pressure for their ancestors (read: every single person that walked this earth) not to screw up. Lately I've been struggling with the battle of flesh vs. spirit. Granted I know this battle will always exist but it seems rather persistent in it's nature as of late. Part of the problem (well... the answer) is that Romans 12:2 says not to be conformed to the world. This verse is a see-saw battle for me. There is something so attractive about the world. It has bright lights and shiny objects. It whispers promises of fulfillment and happiness. It fills up your mind with visions of greatness and perfection. Sometimes the attraction is so strong it is easy for me to forget that the bite of this apple will bring death. I struggle. I battle with seeing the world for the empty broken shell it is and not getting caught up in the materialism of it all.

I think the church does a really poor job of addressing the allure of the world. Sure - we as Christians understand and KNOW that all of these promises are empty and ultimately lead to death but in the heat of the moment, at our weakest point, all we can see is the deceptive beauty of the flickering lights. Maybe it is because our church leaders are so seasoned in their faith that the world's appeal is lackluster. But most likely not. Are we afraid to admit the appeal of the world's promises because it somehow invalidates our faith? I will be the first to admit there are MANY appealing things about living for the flesh. Denying the existence of these feelings or attractions only gives them power to fester in our souls and make them more elusive thus more appealing. I love C.S. Lewis' take on this whole thing in the Screwtape Letters. The demons always tell each other that they can only win the battle if they continue to make the humans live in apathy. Because God is truth once we start to questions things, we will be given wisdom to see the lies we are believing. Maybe I'm just using that example as an excuse for my child-like rebellion.

Another hard sell is that our reward for resisting temptation and not conforming is in heaven. Sometimes I wonder if when I stand before the throne I'll be talking to the Big Guy (i'm pretty sure He hates that term) and He'll be like - Oh, by the way, here's your reward for not indulging in ____ . And then He'll hand me a hershey bar except the hershey bar will be calorie free, because obviously heavenly chocolate won't make you gain weight. I know this may seem blasphemous but these are truly things I struggle with.

Anyways - these are just a friday mid-morning musing (yeaaah for alliteration!). I know I'm pretty inconsistent with this blog. I just don't feel like posting things unless I feel like they are relevant or (somewhat) interesting.

That's all.

the One who is stronger than the storm.

The sounds surrounding me remind me why I love my job. The demo of a new artist playing through the office speakers while the ice cream truck's familiar tone is quietly reminding me of years gone by. Such a clash of worlds. The place I've come from and the endless possibilities of where I'm headed. Today - is a good day. Today refreshes my spirit and keeps my passion alive. I honestly cannot imagine another job and the only other thing I'm as passionate about or even interested is something I feel called to, but not at this moment. I seriously wonder why my heart has the desires it does. What is the root of my desires? Where do they come from? Scripture talks about the heart being deceitful but also to guard it for it is the wellspring of life. I often feel I don't know my own heart. It tends to have a mind of it's own and runaway from me on numerous occasions. My inclination is to wander and romanticize adventures and lives I'm not living. How do I blend my dreams? They always seem to contradict each other. I was reminded today that He is stronger than the storm. Things in my life are fairly peaceful right now. For the moment being nothing is shaking my world (famous last words) except that my heart feels like it is a hurricane of a storm. My emotions go back and forth day to day trying to convince me of one thing or another. My circumstances seem so much bigger than the One who orchestrated my life. This one blip of time is just that - a blip. Ultimately my goal in life is to bring glory to God. Besides selling all my worldly possessions and packing up for Africa, how do I do that? How do I bring glory to God in my job, my relationships, my finances? I've finally surrendered my desire and urge to get married when I'm 23. I have SO many adventures I want to lead. And these very adventures make me afraid that I will spend my time roving the earth searching for contentment in my nomad like lifestyle that I'll lose my chance to get married and raise a family. A calling I still feel. I want my story to look like everyone else's. Logical. At least in my mind their stories are logical. I'm starting to feel bigger than the story being written in Nashville. Is this an arrogant assumption of my own worth or a calling to bigger things? Where do I begin to sort through these things? My first reaction is to blow off the desires because they involve so much 'self' and 'ego.' I'm afraid that if I pursue them it will be for my benefit only. This is something the Lord has opened the doors for - and as of late the doors have been shut but not locked. Daily I'm talking myself down from the ledge of doing something spontaneous and irrational - like picking up life and moving to a foreign country just for the hell of it. Gah. All these thoughts swirling about in my brain. I just need to stop and run to my Savior. Sort the pieces out with Him. I need a Jesus date and tonight looks like the perfect night to have one.

Any advice to stop the storm?

Leave the pieces when you go.

I was talking to one of my best friends - Krystin - the other night and we were talking about where God has us both right now. She's in Texas right now, which has sucked, and we were both trying to make sense of why she's there. I started to think about it and said somethings to her which I realized where actually aimed more at my own spiritual wilderness than anyones. I've been in an interesting place for the last six months. I've let myself wander back into the desert. I can blame it on busy-ness, frustration, my circumstances or anything else for that matter, but what it comes down to is laziness and pride. I have been LAZY in my walk. And prideful to think I have orchestrated my circumstances. So all of that to say, when I think about the Israelites and how my own life mirrors theirs in so many ways, I realized that while God let them wander for 40 years, complaining, blaming Him, lost, confused, hurting... He still provided the manna. Regardless of their hearts or attitudes, He provided sustenance for them to continue and a miracle. Now I certainly don't want to wander for the next 40 years, I need to realized that He'll provide the manna regardless of where my heart is - in the desert or in the promised land.

What it comes down to is I really need to say I'm sorry.

To alot of people - and if you're one of them, then I'm so so sorry.



You're gonna break my heart anyway-
So just leave the pieces when you go.




ps. I totally have a crush on Prince Caspian.
pps. and I totally got another fish - and named him Caspian.

;)

I thought I was supposed to be smarter?

SO I graduated?

Not sure if you knew that or not - i didn't drop any subtle hints or anything (*ahem*countdownpicturesstatus). I seriously cannot believe it is over...

But I feel sort of cheated. I thought going to college meant I got all the answers, but what I've realized is that the answers are just more questions. Confusing. I know.

Such a bizarre time. The one thing I've used to identify myself in society has been taken away. I no longer claim "student" as my occupation. Where is my place in this city, my church, my relationships? How do I take this new role and redefine who I think I have become to fit a new person. Who do I want to be? The more I try to be what I think I want, the more I have to laugh at myself and just give up. I will never be that girl - that's got to be okay. I'm not mysterious and charming. I'm simple. Transparent. Loving. Vulnerable. Thank you Dave Barnes for writing the song "When a Heart Breaks" - my favorite line maybe ever written in a song: "Does something unrequited mean it can never be?" Oh how I wish I was a gifted lyricist.




Regardless of that - I'm excited for this time to be free. Free to travel, discover, explore. I can do whatever I want!!! Such freedom and responsibility :)


Buy DCFC "Narrow Stairs" and go see "Prince Caspian" - not to be bossy, but they are worth it :)

May Day

May is one of my favorite months.

After I got out of the private school, May meant the end of school and the beginning of summer vacation. May also holds my parents' birthday (yes, both of them, May 9th), the coming of warmer weather and some sort of transition between one year to the next. My calendar years have always started in August or September and ended in May. May now holds the anniversary of my grandpa's death. While I don't mourn now like I did then, my heart still catches at the fact that he won't be in the crowd to cheer me on as I walk across the stage to receive my diploma. He would have been so proud. I am so blessed to have three other grandparents, both of my parents and my youngest brother there to support me. I wish I could soak this all in. I don't think I understand the significance of this season and I desperately wish I could make time stop and examine it from all angles. My heart and emotions are so disconnected from my physical body right now. I'm living through my to-do list without taking time to appreciate the memories and the last moments of childhood. Is this the time when one finally moves from child to adult? Do we ever move from child to adult? Depending on the weather I can feel like a confidant young women or a scared kid who has fooled the world into letting her be on her own. The uncertainties in my heart don't add to my confidence right now. I want this to be over, but I want it all back. The only thing I would have done differently in my college career would be to study abroad. I love traveling so much that I should have taken advantage of Belmont's programs. I feared that being away for a semester would have impaired my ability to get an internship. Who knows. The past four years have been some of the best. I finally gained freedom and started to see my parents as PEOPLE and not dictators of my life. I can't remember the last screaming match my mother and I got into :) This isn't to say we don't argue, but rather I've learned how to communicate with them. I've also realized how selfish I am. I'm constantly amazed that they love me in spite of everything. I would have upgraded for a new Rachel 20 years ago :)

My mom and I had a discussion about boys about a month ago and she made a comment that really ticked me off. Basically what I heard her saying was that I wasn't worthy of this type of boy that I'm attracted to. I eventually started getting so angry and hurt that I ended the conversation before I started "spitting fire." She called back later to apologize. She in fact was trying to communicate the opposite of what I was hearing, that that type of boy isn't worthy of ME. Reflecting on it, I feel honored that my mother sees this. She has seen me at my worst. In the darkest moments of my life and knows me better than I might even know myself. For her to love me and still think me worthy of love blows my mind. My dad too - we've had some pretty intense arguments over the last 15 years and he still speaks highly of me. I guess it just amazes me that they see any good in me.

Someday I will start to learn that my Father only sees the good in me too. What will it take for the barriers to break down and I'll stop assuming I'm guilty and worthless? When do I stop listening to the lies singing over me? How do I make the shift in my brain to know that I am loved unabashedly? All these thoughts race through my brain all day long.


I really need to get a new prayer journal.

2 Finals
Moving
Birthday Party
Babysitting
Church Membership Class
Baja Date with Santos
Work
Oil Change
Numerous phone calls
and countless other things I have forgotten

until May 10th :)


ps. I reaalllly want to see the new "Narnia" movie

pps. you should really go buy Josh Wilson's new album, "Trying to Fit the Ocean In a Cup" <---it is really really good. I've had it for 4 months and am STILL listening to it!

When the enemy attacks.

"There has been an accident."

Those words strike fear in anyone's heart. Unfortunately, such were the words I read on Saturday morning about 8:15am. I was all ready to get up, shower, and head to a massage (compliments of my sweet roommate), when I noticed I had a new email. The subject line "Starfield Accident" gripped my heart with fear. I opened the email from my boss and started reading. Initially I thought something not terribly major had happened until I read the details of the accident. The floor collapsed. 60 people fell 10 feet through into the basement. The pipes burst and started pouring water into the hole. The lighting truss started swaying and fell. Finally, the speakers gave way. He reassured us (his family, wife and myself) that he and the band were okay. Shaken, but okay. I had no idea what to do. This was the second night of the tour! This isn't supposed to happen to us, were my first thoughts. The first news reports started trickling in, expect mass casualties, it is a miracle people got out alive, there were wires running the length of the floor where it collapsed. The "why" question was screaming out in my head. I felt completely helpless. I finally talked to my boss' wife and she reassured me that while everyone was shaken, it seemed to be the best case scenario for the worst case scenario. 40 people were injured, 3 in critical condition. One has been released while two remain in critical. I beg of you friends, pray for them. One is a mother who took her children to the Starfield show. While we are SO thankful that no one died, this is a grave situation.

Praise the Lord that Tim saw the lights start to go and yelled for people to get out of the way.
Praise the Lord that Chris was in Canada when this happened.
Praise the Lord David and Tim were able to jump down into the hole and start pulling people out as soon as it happened.
Praise the Lord for the quick responses of medical personnel.
Praise the Lord no was electrocuted.


Friends - please petition the throne for those still injured, wisdom for all those involved, and for the tour to regain their confidence. We will not let the enemy keep us down!!

I just can't sleep on this tonight.

It is 2:30am. I have class in 5 hours and 30 minutes. WHY am I awake!!! My body has been like this for many nights. Awake until all hours of the morning. Its not like I sleep in either. I'm wearing myself out, I just want to rest.

This hurts too much
It is too much for me to handle

please. where are You?