Leave the pieces when you go.

I was talking to one of my best friends - Krystin - the other night and we were talking about where God has us both right now. She's in Texas right now, which has sucked, and we were both trying to make sense of why she's there. I started to think about it and said somethings to her which I realized where actually aimed more at my own spiritual wilderness than anyones. I've been in an interesting place for the last six months. I've let myself wander back into the desert. I can blame it on busy-ness, frustration, my circumstances or anything else for that matter, but what it comes down to is laziness and pride. I have been LAZY in my walk. And prideful to think I have orchestrated my circumstances. So all of that to say, when I think about the Israelites and how my own life mirrors theirs in so many ways, I realized that while God let them wander for 40 years, complaining, blaming Him, lost, confused, hurting... He still provided the manna. Regardless of their hearts or attitudes, He provided sustenance for them to continue and a miracle. Now I certainly don't want to wander for the next 40 years, I need to realized that He'll provide the manna regardless of where my heart is - in the desert or in the promised land.

What it comes down to is I really need to say I'm sorry.

To alot of people - and if you're one of them, then I'm so so sorry.



You're gonna break my heart anyway-
So just leave the pieces when you go.




ps. I totally have a crush on Prince Caspian.
pps. and I totally got another fish - and named him Caspian.

;)

I thought I was supposed to be smarter?

SO I graduated?

Not sure if you knew that or not - i didn't drop any subtle hints or anything (*ahem*countdownpicturesstatus). I seriously cannot believe it is over...

But I feel sort of cheated. I thought going to college meant I got all the answers, but what I've realized is that the answers are just more questions. Confusing. I know.

Such a bizarre time. The one thing I've used to identify myself in society has been taken away. I no longer claim "student" as my occupation. Where is my place in this city, my church, my relationships? How do I take this new role and redefine who I think I have become to fit a new person. Who do I want to be? The more I try to be what I think I want, the more I have to laugh at myself and just give up. I will never be that girl - that's got to be okay. I'm not mysterious and charming. I'm simple. Transparent. Loving. Vulnerable. Thank you Dave Barnes for writing the song "When a Heart Breaks" - my favorite line maybe ever written in a song: "Does something unrequited mean it can never be?" Oh how I wish I was a gifted lyricist.




Regardless of that - I'm excited for this time to be free. Free to travel, discover, explore. I can do whatever I want!!! Such freedom and responsibility :)


Buy DCFC "Narrow Stairs" and go see "Prince Caspian" - not to be bossy, but they are worth it :)

May Day

May is one of my favorite months.

After I got out of the private school, May meant the end of school and the beginning of summer vacation. May also holds my parents' birthday (yes, both of them, May 9th), the coming of warmer weather and some sort of transition between one year to the next. My calendar years have always started in August or September and ended in May. May now holds the anniversary of my grandpa's death. While I don't mourn now like I did then, my heart still catches at the fact that he won't be in the crowd to cheer me on as I walk across the stage to receive my diploma. He would have been so proud. I am so blessed to have three other grandparents, both of my parents and my youngest brother there to support me. I wish I could soak this all in. I don't think I understand the significance of this season and I desperately wish I could make time stop and examine it from all angles. My heart and emotions are so disconnected from my physical body right now. I'm living through my to-do list without taking time to appreciate the memories and the last moments of childhood. Is this the time when one finally moves from child to adult? Do we ever move from child to adult? Depending on the weather I can feel like a confidant young women or a scared kid who has fooled the world into letting her be on her own. The uncertainties in my heart don't add to my confidence right now. I want this to be over, but I want it all back. The only thing I would have done differently in my college career would be to study abroad. I love traveling so much that I should have taken advantage of Belmont's programs. I feared that being away for a semester would have impaired my ability to get an internship. Who knows. The past four years have been some of the best. I finally gained freedom and started to see my parents as PEOPLE and not dictators of my life. I can't remember the last screaming match my mother and I got into :) This isn't to say we don't argue, but rather I've learned how to communicate with them. I've also realized how selfish I am. I'm constantly amazed that they love me in spite of everything. I would have upgraded for a new Rachel 20 years ago :)

My mom and I had a discussion about boys about a month ago and she made a comment that really ticked me off. Basically what I heard her saying was that I wasn't worthy of this type of boy that I'm attracted to. I eventually started getting so angry and hurt that I ended the conversation before I started "spitting fire." She called back later to apologize. She in fact was trying to communicate the opposite of what I was hearing, that that type of boy isn't worthy of ME. Reflecting on it, I feel honored that my mother sees this. She has seen me at my worst. In the darkest moments of my life and knows me better than I might even know myself. For her to love me and still think me worthy of love blows my mind. My dad too - we've had some pretty intense arguments over the last 15 years and he still speaks highly of me. I guess it just amazes me that they see any good in me.

Someday I will start to learn that my Father only sees the good in me too. What will it take for the barriers to break down and I'll stop assuming I'm guilty and worthless? When do I stop listening to the lies singing over me? How do I make the shift in my brain to know that I am loved unabashedly? All these thoughts race through my brain all day long.


I really need to get a new prayer journal.

2 Finals
Moving
Birthday Party
Babysitting
Church Membership Class
Baja Date with Santos
Work
Oil Change
Numerous phone calls
and countless other things I have forgotten

until May 10th :)


ps. I reaalllly want to see the new "Narnia" movie

pps. you should really go buy Josh Wilson's new album, "Trying to Fit the Ocean In a Cup" <---it is really really good. I've had it for 4 months and am STILL listening to it!

When the enemy attacks.

"There has been an accident."

Those words strike fear in anyone's heart. Unfortunately, such were the words I read on Saturday morning about 8:15am. I was all ready to get up, shower, and head to a massage (compliments of my sweet roommate), when I noticed I had a new email. The subject line "Starfield Accident" gripped my heart with fear. I opened the email from my boss and started reading. Initially I thought something not terribly major had happened until I read the details of the accident. The floor collapsed. 60 people fell 10 feet through into the basement. The pipes burst and started pouring water into the hole. The lighting truss started swaying and fell. Finally, the speakers gave way. He reassured us (his family, wife and myself) that he and the band were okay. Shaken, but okay. I had no idea what to do. This was the second night of the tour! This isn't supposed to happen to us, were my first thoughts. The first news reports started trickling in, expect mass casualties, it is a miracle people got out alive, there were wires running the length of the floor where it collapsed. The "why" question was screaming out in my head. I felt completely helpless. I finally talked to my boss' wife and she reassured me that while everyone was shaken, it seemed to be the best case scenario for the worst case scenario. 40 people were injured, 3 in critical condition. One has been released while two remain in critical. I beg of you friends, pray for them. One is a mother who took her children to the Starfield show. While we are SO thankful that no one died, this is a grave situation.

Praise the Lord that Tim saw the lights start to go and yelled for people to get out of the way.
Praise the Lord that Chris was in Canada when this happened.
Praise the Lord David and Tim were able to jump down into the hole and start pulling people out as soon as it happened.
Praise the Lord for the quick responses of medical personnel.
Praise the Lord no was electrocuted.


Friends - please petition the throne for those still injured, wisdom for all those involved, and for the tour to regain their confidence. We will not let the enemy keep us down!!

I just can't sleep on this tonight.

It is 2:30am. I have class in 5 hours and 30 minutes. WHY am I awake!!! My body has been like this for many nights. Awake until all hours of the morning. Its not like I sleep in either. I'm wearing myself out, I just want to rest.

This hurts too much
It is too much for me to handle

please. where are You?

How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me.

Its like a book elegantly bound
but in a language you can't read, just yet.
You've gotta spend some time, love. You've gotta spend time with me.

Are you kidding me? I thought "Such Great Heights" was one of the best songs probably written but the new Death Cab For Cutie single, "I Will Possess Your Heart" is freaking unbelievable. If you haven't heard it, stop reading this and go download it on iTunes. Amazing.

Anyways.

Graduation is 3 weeks from tomorrow. I feel so unprepared. Like all of a sudden it snuck up on me. I have a sinking feeling that I haven't done something or haven't fulfilled some requirement and I'm going to get onstage and they are going to deny me a diploma. Oh gosh. How embarrassing would THAT be? I'm so excited to be joining Chris full time at the company. I completely believe in and support our artists and what Chris is doing. I am SO blessed to have this job. I know I gush about it alot but its truly my dream job. I think all the changes have made me a little scared. I'm trying to trust in, "so do not fear, you are more valuable than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:31). So much change and so much responsibility. For the first time in my life I'm completely on my own. I'm really afraid of failing. That's probably been my biggest fear is failure or letting my parents down. I know my own weaknesses and shortcomings better than anyone else and while others have confidence in me, I tend to not see any of the good they do. I also need to remember that is scary and uncertain season is just that. A season. I know He is in the details. But because I'm human and sinful I question how the details work out. When I have quiet nights like tonight my brain tends to freak out and overreact. I'll think myself into a tizzy and convince myself that I should just move back to Colorado Springs and move back into my parent's house... or marry some random Joe Shmoe off the street for security. I'm constantly fighting the battle to pursue best and wait for the Lord to reveal himself in big ways. I'm scared to commit to a financial gift to a church. I want to do it but I'm scared. I still feel so young in so many ways but also so old. Where is the happy medium? :)

I'm always learning when it comes to you. I think I have You figured out one minute and then You go and do something to completely blow my mind and change my opinion. Things feel better in my life when You speak truth into my soul. I need someone to call me out of my BS, make me strive for excellence as a woman and not just as a friend, sister, and daughter. You stir my heart in a completely different way. I feel sorry for the one who has to measure up to You.


i can't do this.
i can't do this
i can't do this by myself
i can't do this
i can't do this
i can't do this, oh God I need Your help.


i'm yours.


ps. I lit my kitchen on fire today. it's a long story...

Eagle Vs. Shark

I'm sitting amidst a pile of laundry thinking about this weekend. Despite the cold, it has been one of my favorites. I had forgotten what its like to just enjoy time off. I had a list of things to get accomplished and while I did a few and started a few more, I feel no remorse on spending my weekend relaxing. 90% of my projects have been turned in, I have two more convocations to go to, my graduation announcements are done, I have a place to live (that I can start moving into soon), saw two amazing movies, attended a bridal shower where we laughed for hours, and went on a five mile jog / run. I haven't run since spring break when I re-injured a stress fracture and bought new running shoes in the same week :). Unfortunately the shoes didn't solve the problem although they allowed me go further than I thought. Plus the weather was gorgeous.

Attended my first bridal shower of the season. I didn't cry - although I was tempted to. Somehow the shower ended up being a "Rachel's Most Embarrassing Moments" fest. But, most of those stories involved the beautiful bride-to-be so I was happy to oblige. Better at the shower than the reception :) I've been with Susan from the very first date until the engagement. I love watching the Lord work things out in His perfect season.


I feel like I'm moving into a fun season. Now that I see the end in sight and my job becoming full-time soon after, I'm so encouraged. The past 3 months have felt longer than any I have ever endured. I'm ending college on such a positive note. I'm setting goals that I can accomplish, getting my own bathroom, moving to a new part of town, praying about becoming a member at Grace, getting to know some amazing new people, spending time with friends that I love, and praying for a potential opportunity to fulfill a dream.

I talked to my parents tonight. My dad uttered six words that made the past four years worth it. "We are so proud of you." The joy I got from making my earthly parents proud was unspeakable. They have given me so much and all I want to do is bring them joy. How much more should this be for my Heavenly Father? What delight He must take when I actually start to try to make Him proud. :) As I grow up I see so many parallels between my parents love for me and the Father's love for me. What I once thought of as burdens were actually blessings designed to protect me.

Today - all is right in my heart. Today I am obeying and trusting Him. Today all I can utter is thanks. I can't promise tomorrow that my heart will be full of joy but today it is.

Things I am thankful for**:

1) My sweet family
2) His grace
3) My roommates (past, present and future)
4) My community
5) Pei Wei
6) Baja Burrito
7) A chance to grow deeper in my walk
8) Finding my favorite perfume that I thought was discontinued - on sale!
9) A new apartment complex
10) My brother going to prom!!
11) Friends in Chicago, Colorado, and Nashville.
12) The women who pour into my life.
13) Truth
14) My job
15) The Nichols Family
16) Mint gum
17) Peanut M&Ms
18) Skinny vanilla lattes
19) Running shoes
20) Email
21) "I Will Possess Your Heart"
22) Starfield: "I Will Go"
23) Jeff Deyo: "Unveil"
24) Josh Wilson: "Trying To Fit The Ocean In A Cup"
25) Future of Forestry: "Twilight"




** not in order of importance.

I'm learning to live in the moment. I am not promised tomorrow so why should I worry about it? He is in the details

Hallelujah

ps. Eagle vs. Shark = really good