I've been here a million times.

I can feel myself falling.

I can also feel myself bracing for the impact.

I always do this. I fall for the guy who doesn't fall back.

My heart is JUST starting to mend from the past year and a half. I don't want this. My focus for the next time in my life is NOT this. Taking care of 5 kids is going to be work enough. I don't need to be worrying about having a crush on someone. That's all this is. A crush. He doesn't even know my name. I've never even met him. But chances are, we'll meet. And he'll probably be cuter, funnier, and even more sweet in person. I can feel the walls coming up. All honesty, my heart is wounded from this other guy, the best kind of wound, but a wound nonetheless.

Someday I'll learn. Guys like that don't go for girls like me. And the sooner I learn that, the better off I'll be.

My daughters, I urge you, do not awaken love before it so desires.

Silent night, Holy night.

Merry Christmas Eve. (I wrote this on Christmas Eve on Mountain time fyi)

Tonight we (the fam and some dear friends) went to the evening service and I was reminded why I absolutely love this time of the year. I know every church does the candlelight moment but tonight it felt so holy, so beautiful, that I literally got goosebumps. It was amazing to me how much my life has changed since the last time I stepped foot into that church and took communion four weeks ago. You see friends, last time I was there, my heart was breaking with uncertainty, vulnerability, and humbleness. I didn't know what my future was going to hold and I had accepted that He was enough. Yet, here I am, weeks later, with the most incredible job opportunity. Literally a week ago I got a call from a friend about a nanny position. Within three days I found out about it, interviewed and got the job. THREE DAYS. It's above and beyond what I could have wished for. Everyone I've told about this job is freaking out. Out of sensitivity to the family, I'm not going to share their name or really any details except that it's going to be amazing. God worked out the smallest details - I seriously don't know how I could have gotten a better job. While my heart is still breaking to leave Chris, Steph, the girls, and all our artists, I know that this is right. There is no question in my mind that the Lord's fingerprints are all over this. I am blessed. Blessed blessed blessed. I have so much to be thankful for this Christmas - aside from this amazing job. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to wake up and it's going to be a dream. The only thing that has me a tad uncertain is the fact that I'm going to be staying in Nashville, albeit moving to Franklin. I really thought my time in Nashville was coming to a close, but I guess the Lord has other plans for me :)

On another note, I'm home in Colorado for about a week with the fam. Unfortunately my body isn't cooperating and I came down with a cold/virus of sorts. I had been fighting it the last week or so in Nash but was literally going at 100mph so I think my body was just waiting until I calmed down for a few days. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and stuffy head. Ended up going to bed at 8:30 last night and sleeping until 10:30 this morning! 14 hours of sleep!! I desperately needed it. Lots of Emergen-C and Zicam. Crossing my fingers for a better day tomorrow. Dad, Mike and I are going to try and head up the mountains to get a day of skiing in! Let's hope my little cold goes away for that.

For now it's time for me to head to bed. Wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Remember those who have lost loved ones, are going through a hard time or just need to be prayed for this holiday season.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Sometimes all you can do is grab onto something...

and fall apart.

She looked at me and said, "Are you okay?" My throat was clogged with tears as I nodded. Don't lose it, Mueller. Keep it together. Not here. Not now. And then the first verse of that song was projected onto the screens and I knew I was quickly losing my composure. I grabbed her hand, felt her pull away momentarily and then was engulfed in her strong arms. It was all I could do to bury my heard in her shoulder and sob. Gut wrenching, painful sobs, with tears coming so fast I couldn't tell if they were drops or a small river. She stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe. Moment by moment my breathing evened out and I felt the tears slowing. I lifted my head but stayed in her arms because it was there that I knew everything was going to be okay. It felt purifying. The torrent of tears washed away the debris and cleaned out the wound. For a moment I felt like I could see, like the scabs fell off and the truth of the moment, the pain of the process, the ugliness of my disobedience put into perspective for those few moments. You see after every storm, there comes a time of calm. In every valley there is the faintest hint of light. At some point the darkness begins to lessen and you realize that this too will come to an end. When you're in the storm, shrouded in darkness and terrified, the promise of light and clarity feels like mockery. I stopped listening to those voices. I KNOW it gets easier. I know this goes away. I know all things work together for the good of those that love Him. I. know. Stop telling me. I had to come to a point where I accepted the darkness. My heart had to surrender and lie completely naked, stripped of everything I know or can use as a shield and trust that His plan is better than mine. That my plan a and plan b were less than what I was created for, even if it meant what I'm created for looks nothing like what I want it to. He always promised to provide, just not necessarily the way I hope He will. Do I think the rest of my life will be what my small puzzle piece looks like for the next 6 months? No, I don't. But do I have to accept if that is what brings the most glory to Him then that's what it WILL look like? Yes, I do. And then I heard those three words so gently it was if they had been spoken directly in my ear.

am I enough?

they were so aching, so desperate that I literally stopped what I was doing and paid attention.

i don't know. i whispered. i just don't know.

I was so afraid that if I said He was, I would never get anything I wanted because He would take me up on it. I started to think about it and realized that all of these things I wanted would never satisfy. For so long I let myself believe they made me happy and it hit me. I want Jesus more than I want anything else in this life. For the first time in my entire existence, I can honestly say that - from a place of unwavering certainty and know that He is going to call me to walk through it. I'm not afraid to give up all my dreams because my heart desires Him more than anything else. I tried to satisfy it with wanting to get married and have babies. When that didn't happen, I tried this job that could keep me so busy and wrapped up in it that I could forget the aching emptiness. I thought about some of the exciting things that might happen that would be unbelievable and they still left me longing for Him. Nothing satisfies like He does. It doesn't change the pain of letting go of my dreams and the pain of the things getting taken away. In fact I'm aware of the pain now more than ever. A dear friend told me to think of it like this. Adam didn't realize he needed Eve. He didn't know she was everything that was missing in his life. God put him to sleep, took his rib and created the entire picture. Because we've lost the perfect communion with God, we are no longer able to sleep during the rib removing process. He strips us down, with tears in His eyes, begging us to understand that while this hurts more than anything ever can and we don't think we can endure a single more moment, He is doing so much in our lives. He is completing the big picture, the things we could never have imagined we were missing out on. My heart yelled out, YES! It IS unbearable. This hurts worse than anything I've ever felt. I feel so alone. So desperately alone and afraid. I have to imagine that Adam felt alone too, until he realized that Eve was everything that made him whole.

Today I can say I want Him more than I want anything else in the world. In some ways it's easier to say I want Him more than I want anything else because everything has been taken away. Let's say I get this amazing job, travel the world, and by some chance meet a man who adores me or my life DOES end up only like this little puzzle piece. Will I still be able to say I want Him more than and in spite of all of that? I'm not sure, but I'm really hoping I can.


Psalm 63 1-3a

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life.

Am I lost or just less found?

The last six weeks or so have been trying indeed. Scratch that, the last six months have been trying. For some reason I felt myself in the midst of a wilderness and I just didn't care. I've always been a big believer that apathy and not necessarily sin is the ultimate downfall of a Christian. When you are living in sinful behavior, you are aware of it or become aware of it through consequences, people calling you out, or conviction. Apathy is an entirely different story. Apathy speaks quietly over the nagging voice telling me to read my Bible or delve into the goodness of Christ. Apathy emboldens me to miss church without regret and shut myself off from a community. Apathy is the best mask of all because to the outside world I'm living just the way a "good Christian girl" should live. Lewis spoke alot about apathy in The Screwtape Letters. I think this book really opened my awareness to the dangers of apathy. My life had been coasting along without any major hiccups and it allowed me to continue to live apathetically. I didn't need passion because passion brought discontent for me. I can't do anything half-assed. I'm either all the way in or I'm all the way out. Things are so black and white to me which can be good and also bad. So the thought about getting passionate about something outside of my current life scared the living daylights out of me because I knew it would inevitably bring change. Change that wouldn't make sense to anyone, especially me so I shut it down anyway I knew how. When I found out I was being taken off full time, these feelings came rushing back. Every moment of every day since then I've been fighting a war with my spirit. The fight to REMEMBER. Oddly enough as these things were happening in my life, we were going through a series in Exodus at church. Exile, Silence, Exodus, WIlderness, Wandering, Idols, Redemption. I saw the story paralleling my own life and I was humbled and horrified at what I saw. The Lord was SILENT in Moses' life for 40 years, He allowed His people to live in slavery for over 400 years and then watched them wander in the desert for another 40. I begged the Lord to not pattern my life after this. I started reading through Exodus, Psalms and Acts at the same time. Seemingly random choices but it's amazing how much of the story is referenced in all three books. What I've been leaning on more than anything is Psalms. David's words echo my heart almost daily. I am constantly going back and forth between utter despair and hope that I'm not forgotten. David constantly reminds us to call upon the Lord, because He will come through. I called my mom the other day because I felt anxiety and panic welling up inside me. Tears were forming behind my eyes before she picked up and when she asked me how I was I blurted out, "He's not going to forget me right, mom? He's taken everything, which is okay, I'm not angry, I just don't want Him to forget me. He's not going to leave me out to dry because it sure feels like that." She confidently said in her wise mom voice, "Rachel. Our God is not that way. He WILL provide because it is contrary to His nature not to and we know that God is God is God. He has been faithful and true throughout history and it won't change today or tomorrow." Oh my sweet mother. Always knowing exactly the words to say. So even though I'm floundering a little bit right and trying to find something stable to put my feet on, I'm actively listening to the silence. I'm relishing the pain over the apathy. I hate the battle of willing my irrational side into submission because down in the deepest parts of my being I - KNOW - the Lord IS faithful. My existence has never once doubted that I'll be okay. And as much as I hate the frustration of this season, I feel alive again. My desire to know and dwell in the presence of the Lord is renewed. For that I am thankful. My faith is being tested and refined. For that I am thankful. Something is going to happen... something that will be better. For that I am thankful. He might change all my dreams and plans. For that I am thankful. I've accomplished something I have always wanted to. For that I am thankful.

I've been listening to a few songs by Brandon Heath that remind me, I'm fighting a battle but the victory is mine.

Wait and See
"There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet"


Trust You
"I’m not gonna fight you anymore
Not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why
I shouldn’t trust you with mine"

Sunrise
"All you need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
If you're lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you're tired in the waiting
Even though it's gonna take you
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun's gonna find you"

All of these songs are off his new (ish) album What If We. Check out his myspace here

And with that I'm going to leave with a new favorite verse:

Psalms 27:13-14
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait and for LORD
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Supermassive Black Hole

Um, where was I when the Muse train came through?? Apparently not interested in good music. This song is on a soundtrack that I recently purchased and I'm obsessed with it. There is something so freaking addicting in the production! I did a little bit of googling and found out that they are from the UK. Go figure. Reason # 9283723783 I need to move to London.

First off - an update about my little hospital visit.

I'm fine. Still in a bit of pain (actually it's worse at night, not sure I can make it to DC's party tonight, ang...). Tuesday night I started having really sharp stomach pains. It got worse as the night went on and finally about 3 the next day I decided to head to the urgent care clinic. They ran some tests and found out I had a pretty bad infection so the pain was most likely from that but because of where I hurt, she wanted to send me to the Emergency Room anyways to make sure it wasn't my appendix. Five hours later, I emerged with a final diagnosis of an infection and my appendix was given a clean bill of health. So all in all the ER wasn't necessary though it did give me peace of mind.

There - that said.

The reason I wanted to blog was to relieve some stress. While I am oh so excited for Thanksgiving (and almost a week at home) I'm also dreading it a little bit because that means it's almost Christmas which means I'm almost out of full time work. Ugh. I've spent the last three hours perusing jobs on various websites, sending off resumes and getting more and more frustrated. All of you who have applied for jobs can attest to this I'm sure, the most frustrating part of the entire process is when potential employers don't respond at all. Most of my inquiries have been just that, inquiries to see if they are even hiring, I've given up on attaching my resume because I'm afraid it will get lost in spam. I mean really, if I'm going to the trouble of looking into your company and tailor a letter just for you, at least have common decency to take two minutes and tell me you aren't hiring. Out of 20 companies I think I've gotten two maybe three responses saying they aren't hiring. I can take that, the uncertainty is what kills me. This has been the least fun season in a looonngg time. I've also noticed my heart has been resentful at alot of things. I'm starting to resent Nashville. I'm afraid I'm going to be trapped here. So many people have told me how excited they are for me - for the opportunities that will come, but all I can see is the empty abyss of part time work with no end in sight. I'm angry that I'm trying something completely different and I'm not getting any results. I'm angry that I begged the Lord to give me a distraction BEFORE He started dating someone. BEGGED. But no - I'm FREAKING ALONE while he's ready to propose. Why? Why do I always fall for the guy right before he finds the girl he wants to marry. It's a sick sick joke and it makes me so mad that I'm forgotten. I know this sounds so self-centered and petty. *sigh* sorry. word vomit.

Everything in my life seems so upside down. I can't find stable ground and it seems so hopeless. I try and try and try but no results. I don't know why everything is so silent. I HATE seasons of silence.

geesh, I'm all over the place. must be the pain.

alright, Fido. you've been good to me. thanks for the free wi-fi and the way too expensive (and hot!) cup of tea. and cute guy to my left, you can totally call me sometime.

that's all.

Ugly Betty

This might be the most relatable show on television right now. Jason Mraz even wrote a song about it called "The Beauty in Ugly." I mean let's be honest, we ALL have been the most awkward or most vulnerable in a situation at some point right?

I got into "Ugly Betty" when it first debuted. I was a little skeptical about it's potential but thought I'd at least try it because I was intrigued. Basically, this awkward, curvy, Hispanic girl starts working at Mode Magazine (ok, Mode - Vogue? really?). She is surrounded by the most beautiful, popular people in New York City and is ridiculed every single episode by one person or another. In fact her boss even humiliates her on her first day. She is determined to stick it out because she is so confident in who she is. I got hooked into it. I saw soooo much of myself in Betty. Her sweet, eager nature, wanting to please everyone and withstanding ridicule in this workplace surrounded by the most beautiful people paralleled my own life. This past Thursday's episode struck a little too close to my heart. Betty starts getting a crush on her cute musician neighbor named Jesse. He is so sweet to her and she starts to mistake his kindness as interest. She accidentally promises that his band can play at the Mode party. He is so excited and calls her a snow day. Which okay- sidenote- as cheesy as that is, I think it might be one of the most creative compliments I've heard on television. Who DOESN'T love a snow day?! Anyways - back at work she tells her boss she told Jesse his band could perform which is a problem because Mode has already booked Mariah Carey. Oops. So basically Betty throws this huge afterparty just so Jesse's band can play at a Mode function. Jesse dedicates a song to her and she's completely head over heels. She runs down to find him and proclaim her love for him when she walks in on her roommate (and a Mode assistant) Amanda kissing Jesse. Amanda is tall, blonde, thin and beautiful. Betty runs out and eventually her boss finds her sitting outside crying. A conversation ensues where she tells Daniel that Jesse told her she was beautiful and it was foolish to assume he would have ever meant she was beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. She chokes out the phrase, "It's okay, I'm okay with who I am..." that part really struck me because through the tears you can hear the unshakeable confidence. Regardless of how many times the people around her call her fat, unattractive, ridiculous, or she is rejected for the prettier girl, she has no regrets in who she is. That scene has been replaying in my head over and over. Sometimes I wish I was confident enough in who I am to take the rejection and still be okay with who I am. Everytime my heart gets thrown back at me, I go to drastic measures (i.e. dying my hair, piercing something, etc) but it doesn't ease the ache. I was made fun of alot when I was in school. I spent many lunches in the bathroom, eating by myself just wishing to avoid the teasing. It was so bad by the time I got to seventh grade that we made the decision for me to skip a grade and change schools. It didn't get much better in high school. The first public school I went to I was pretty much ignored which I think I liked better than being made fun of. In fact, in my English class one kid looked at me and asked if I was new. This was in November. After three months of sitting in front of him, he had JUST noticed me. I patiently told him over and over I wasn't new and that I had been there since August. Regardless, I still got tagged with the nickname "New Girl" which didn't bother me nearly as much as the things people said to me at my private school. When I moved to Colorado, I also sat in the bathroom and ate lunch but it was because I was new and was overwhelmed not because people hated me.

While most of those things were said to me when we were all young and immature (and I know I said some horrible things as well) they are the words that come back to haunt me sometimes. The enemy's voice singing over me in the form of memories. As I get older I'm learning to fight back and be okay with who I am and day by day it gets a little easier. Once a week I see someone (as fictional as she may be) who is in a worse place than I am and I'm reminded I'm not alone.

She's so big hearted
but not so remarkable
just an ordinary humble girl
expecting nothing as we're made to think
it's a pretty person's world

but you are beautiful and you better go show it
go look again - you gotta be true to your own
if you really wanna go to the top
do you really wanna win?
don't believe in living normal just to satisfy demand.

Here I go again on my own.

Whitesnake and Steppenwolf. Two musts on my work out playlist. Nothing can get my feet moving quite like "Here I Go Again." I'm trying this new gym routine. So far I'm enjoying it, but we'll see if it sticks. I love running and this new regime doesn't allow for more than 20-30 minutes of it and unfortunately I'm realizing I get shin splits - what the hek??. I guess it is a good thing the emphasis is weights. Yuck. I hate weights.

Anyways.

This title has more significance than just a track that popped up as I was somewhere between breathing and not breathing. I haven't wanted to blog about this because for me, once I expose it for all the world to see it somehow takes on a reality of it's own. A little less than three weeks ago my boss looked at me and said, "Well listen, we need to talk." My stomach dropped. I thought, oh crap, I'm going to get in trouble for being on facebook too much, or I'm sucking as an assistant, or he found out all my deepest darkest secrets and doesn't want me around anymore. The next few minutes were a mixture of relief and shock as I came to find out that it wasn't in fact any of those reasons but a far bigger one. One that can't be controlled by internet access, setting my clock twenty minutes ahead to make sure I get to work on time, or confessing all my wrongs. He told me that come January, I won't be able to work full time. The wonderful economy is slowing and our artists' careers are taking many different shapes. I think part of me was so relieved that I wasn't in trouble that I refused to process the implication of those words. I had to work at the office for another hour and a half (seriously, I know you read these, next time wait at least until 5... :) ) and I focused on many other things. At 5pm I said goodbye to my boss, calmly walked to the car, pulled up my mom's cell number on my phone, pressed "call" and lost it. As soon as I heard her voice I had to pull over because I was crying so hard. It wasn't even so much that I was losing my main source of income and these relationships I had invested so much in, as it was the final straw to seeing my life in Nashville completely unravel. I didn't want to tell anyone, I wanted to hide and never show my face again. Even though I know in no way is this a reflection of my worth, I still felt wounded. The worst part was that I couldn't even assign blame, as if that would somehow make the pain lessen. I wanted to scream at God, blame Him for abandoning me, for failing me right when I needed him most. But instead I felt this moment of calm. This undeniable voice sweetly asking "Do you trust Me?" My aching heart had no answer. I felt completely alone in the world. While I know that many of my friends are facing similar economic situations, they all have someone. I didn't have anyone to hold me while I cried. I didn't have the soft comforting whispers that everything was going to be okay. Even hearing my mom's voice didn't stop the physical pain. That night I talked to my dad and his advice was to get some sleep because it wouldn't hurt as much in the morning. Well, he was wrong. I think John Mayer said it best, "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part." The next day all I wanted to do was lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Instead I went to lunch with a sweet friend who spoke just the right words over my heart. All the while, I started feeling the smallest hint of relief. Guilt immediately accompanied this feeling of relief, but I didn't want to admit it. As much as I absolutely love my job and would never have left, all of the longing for an adventure, the tiredness of being in the same place, the pain of losing relationships, and the confusion of being alone started to make sense. I started to see that He has been orchestrating this moment in every area of my life... from my desire to move to London that started in May, to the ending of close friendships, to the quiet retreat of my heart from my community. My anger started to fade away and I decided to embrace the change. Some days I'm great - excited about the future and ready to take on the world. Other days, the anger flares up and I have to confess my fears, because let's be honest, the root of all anger is fear. Fear of losing something, being forgotten or ignored.

So friends - that's all I've got. I know alot of you have known about this, but for those of you who don't, this is me finally embracing all aspects of my impending reality.

My plans for January are pretty open. I can stay on part time working with Chris but I've also sent my resume to like 15 different companies, in LA, Nashville and London. If you hear of anything or have any connections, let me know okay?

Here's to the next 9 months - whatever they look like.

I love You.
I trust You.