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It feels like chaos.

There's alot of emotions swirling around in my head and heart. Most of them hurt. This is a hard week.

Last week I heard this song on the radio and I bought it on my phone almost as soon as it finished.


It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender


Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me

I give everything

I surrender...


To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly


Time to face up
Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house


Time to breathe in and let everything out




Trying to breathe in and let everything out.

My hope is in Him.

In Repair

John Mayer has always been able to write songs that I relate to in an almost uncanny way. It's probably why he's selling a crap ton of records. I've re-discovered a CD that I burned that has a bunch of songs from Room For Squares, Heavier Things and Continuum. It's a great little mix and it's been on repeat in my car. Recently, I can't get past "In Repair." There is something so fitting about that song and the place I'm in. Slowly but surely I'm beginning my climb up the mountain. Granted I still slide back down but inch by inch it's getting better.

Oh, it's taking so long.
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair


Some big things are happening. Things that six months ago I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle. I still might break down and cry the day away but I know that it won't destroy me.

I asked for a way out - if it wasn't me, then I needed a way out.

I got that way - I just never realized it would wreck my entire life.

That's the amazing/painful/scary/real thing about walking with Jesus. When you give your life to Him, He comes in and wrecks the entire thing. Once the walk REALLY starts, He pulls away at the armor and destroys it piece by piece. What a season of refinement this is...

I'm in repair
I'm not together, but I'm getting there

Numb

I've been operating in the "numb" category for quite some time. Rejection, disappointment and hurt have been my constant companion for awhile now and at some point, I put a wall up. I shut down and didn't want to engage in my relationship with the Lord because I felt so betrayed and forgotten. I don't understand why I've had SEVEN INTERVIEWS with Dave Ramsey and haven't gotten a single offer. I don't understand why everyone else seems to be finding amazing jobs and nothing is coming my way. I don't want this to come across as whiny and complaining - I'm just truly at a loss. I'm in the most vulnerable place I've ever been in. It hurts too much to pray, to hope and be disappointed, to read scripture and see God's faithfulness for everyone but me. This is exactly the place Satan wants me in. To get me hopeless and in the pit of despair.

Today I got a phone call from someone very near and dear to me. At one point he said, "Rachel, I just feel like God wants me to remind you that not only is my love for you unconditional, but God's love is even more so. He loves you and you need to know that." It rocked my world. Tears immediately sprung into my eyes and I couldn't disguise the emotion as I tried to explain how things have been rough for me lately - that I've been in a bad place. It took those few words to encourage my heart in a way that it hasn't felt in months. This is a valley. It's a dark scary place that I've never been in before and it shows no sign of ending anytime soon. But I'm not alone and no matter how afraid or angry I am - I am not alone. I may push and push and push Him away but He knows that every push is a broken cry for Him to hold me tighter and to never ever let go.

Today I felt like a daughter sheltered in her Father's arms.

Today I felt like I could survive another day of vulnerability.

Today it didn't hurt as bad.

Today - I felt hope.

This could be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive.

My spirit was made to wander. There is nothing more exciting to me than packing up my suitcase, jumping in a van, bus, plane, train, whatever, and taking off for places unknown. I think it's because I'm certain that I'm missing out on something better somewhere else. Sometimes I wonder if the longing of my heart to be a gypsy will ever cease. Will I ever want to put down roots and be content with where I am? Especially now - with things being so unstable and uncertain, I just want to traipse across the world and see it all. We moved and traveled so much when I was a kid that it just seems natural to change my surroundings often. I miss it. I miss seeing the world with my family. I know I've said this before but I never thought my life would turn out the way that it has. I literally have no plan for what's next. Just when I think I'm about to get back on track, I get thrown another curveball. It's starting to wear me down. How much longer do I have to endure the rejection and the disappointment? His faithfulness I am certain of, but it's the timing that has me questioning. Do I remain in this place forever? Is this my wilderness? The longings of my heart aren't being fulfilled - is it because my longings aren't what's best for my life? So many questions and never any answers.

I feel like I fall in love with a new job every day. This one, I tell myself, this one is different... it's special. I want to shout from the world my passion and excitement about the thought of this and yet my fragile heart fears to be disappointed. I don't want any job, I want THE job. I want the job that I can give my life to - that will make a difference in the world - that will combine my passions and my strengths. I want to care for the widows and orphans and I want to use music to do that. But how? How can I move this impossibly big mountain in front of me? Is THIS the job or am I just making myself fall in love again?

Why do I feel like I'm climbing a mountain and not getting anywhere?

"...because of the Lord, who is faithful, the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you... Though she may forget, I will not forget you." - Isaiah 49

I'm staring at the mess I made.

I should have held my ground
I should have spoken up
I should have proudly claimed
that oh my head's to blame for all my heart's mistakes.

I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made

as you turn, you take your heart and walk away.

It's on me now... as you go.

Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever wonder what I'm doing?

I'm sorry - I was so young, so unsure and so afraid.

But I've changed. Come find me.

The familiar ache

I'm packing up my apartment - getting ready to move just a few streets away. I have a love / hate relationship with moving. I love starting over, getting the chance to make new memories, cleaning out the old and closing a door. I hate packing everything up, cleaning my old apartment and the fear of the unknown with the new place. Last night I was going through some old journals and I came across the last entries before I met Tyler, the two after I met him, and the many after my heart was shattered. One in particular stood out. I remember writing it. I had just woken up from the most realistic dream I've ever had. He held my hand, told me he was sorry and that it was all a big misunderstanding. Then he kissed me. When I woke up, I realized it was all a dream, and he was still mad at me. My heart was still broken and I realized I was probably never going to see him again. I wept for hours that day. Hours. This journal entry chronicled the pain. All the things I had loved about him, all the things I missed, all the things that infuriated me, all the things I wanted back. And then I cried for my broken heart. For the months that I spent crying myself to sleep. All I could ask the Lord was if He wept for me too? During that terrible time, did He mourn for my broken heart? I know He did. I know that His tears were mixed in with mine as I laid there unable to breathe. I know He ached with me during the mornings I couldn't get out of bed. I know He knew. He knew...

It's been four years, almost to the day, since I met him. If I could go back to myself during that time all I would tell myself is to be confident in who I was and love without reservation. I wouldn't take back one single moment of that summer, I would only take back the way it fell apart. I should have been honest. I should have been the one to tell him. I should have grabbed him and kissed him when I had the chance. If only... but, I didn't, because that's not who I am. Anchorman was our movie. Wild Ginger was our restaurant. Sundays were our mornings. I have an extraordinary and rare love. And you didn't want it. I hope you're happy now, I really do.

But there is still a tiny bit of me that hopes the ring you gave to her turns her finger green.

Never again - will I kiss you
Never again - will I want to.
Never again - will I love you.

Never.

Jesus, you are enough.

Six months ago I found myself being asked a really tough question...

am I enough?

What those three little words did to change my world. I wrestled and pleaded and tearfully asked the Lord to forgive me when I didn't have an answer. And when the answer came, in the still quiet whisper, I rejoiced and felt confident that He was enough. I wanted Jesus more than my dream job, more than the man I had loved for a year, friends to walk through life with me, or financial stability. I just wanted Him. Knowing that and truly believing it with every fiber of my being allowed me to be free. I threw off the anxiety and trusted that He knew my needs better than I did. When I finally got to that place, pieces started to fall into place. My foundations were solid, the ground was firm, and my heart knew that whatever the cost, whatever the future held, I knew I was loved beyond anything I could ever imagine.

you did it for me
you did it for love
it's your victory,
Jesus, you are enough

I can't even begin to tell you how quickly the things I desired happened. I got an amazing job in a few days, dear friends soon followed, the pain of a shattered heart soon lessened and began to heal, and for the first time in my life I wasn't scraping by. Things were still hard and as life goes, I soon hit another rough patch, but it wasn't nearly as devastating as the first time. I leaned hard into Christ and saw Him show up. Because that's what He does - He shows up. Lately I've noticed thoughts and patterns in my life that aren't what I want them to be. My brain latches onto an idea or an attitude and I run with it. So far that I can't pull myself back. I've wrestled with this forever, especially when it comes to guys I like. My behavior can be so hot and cold. I feel so sorry for them because 90% of the time they have no idea what they've done. I've tried alot of things to take these thoughts captive and really live in freedom and not in death but so far nothing has helped. As I was having a quiet time the other day, I just kept coming back to the concept of resting in who He is and what He's promised to do. It hit me like a ton of bricks - just because I told Jesus He was enough six months ago doesn't mean I still believe it today. Daily I need to take up His cross. Daily, hourly, every second of the day, with every breath, He needs to be enough. I have totally lost sight of that. I hate the behavior in me. I hate the crazy / jealous / manipulative / sinful woman I can be!! He always needs to be enough. Regardless of my circumstances. I need to do a better job of remembering.


God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Thriving in the impossible.

When we fix our eyes on Jesus, it's alot easier to trust. Our problem is that we inherently look at the storm around us. Peter is a great example of this. He got out of the boat and started to walk on water. WALK ON WATER! His problem wasn't that he was WALKING ON WATER it was that he took his eyes off Jesus and started looking at the storm around him. He was so focused on his momentary troubles that he couldn't see the miracle the Lord was working in him at that very moment. I think I've blogged about this in the past but lately I've been really digging through Scripture and finding the theme of God thriving in impossible situations. He doesn't just provide, He THRIVES. Something I read tonight in Romans really connected with me.

Romans 4:18-22

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, " So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He has promised. This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness."

And God came through!! He became the father of all the nations. How's that for a fulfillment of God's promises? I keep finding stories like this where when it seemed all hope was lost, God came through in a big big way. I've seen that happen in my own life. A situation that I had thought was completely hopeless, that would never be resolved, and impossible to reconcile, and yet last night, the healing process began. Better than I ever hoped. I mean look at the foundation of Christianity. We were HOPELESS. We could have no fellowship with God because of our sin and yet while we were still sinful, Christ freaking died for us!! I guess I'm just overwhelmed tonight by this. Right now so many things in my life look impossible. Jobs, finances, dreams, etc. I have no idea how they can ever work out because I can only see the little tiny spot in front of me. That spot is cloudy and messy but I keep seeing His faithfulness because He loves us. Oh how He loves.


He is jealous for me
loves like a hurricane
I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions
eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us so.


He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves


He is our portion and
He is our prize
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes
if His grace is an ocean
we're all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way that He loves us.

Oh, how He loves us.

I dreamed a dream...

THIS blessed my heart in an extremely big way.

Watch the entire thing. You won't regret it.

Maybe it's because I can identify with her. Maybe it's because everyone is laughing at her as she shares her dreams. Maybe it's because she opens her mouth and you understand what it's like to dream about something so much it consumes you. Maybe it's because she's amazing. Maybe it's because the song seems to completely explain her life.

I'm not sure but all I know is that I literally wiped tears from my eyes. She's dreaming BIG dreams and taking a big risk. And it's about to pay-off.

God: 1 - Rachel: 0

I screamed at God this week. When I say, screamed I mean, SCREAMED. I was so angry that I was shaking. My mom called me Wednesday morning to talk about something and it was the last straw. Everything had been building up and eventually we just hung up on each other because we were both emotional. She called me back a few minutes later and by that point I was in tears. I tried explaining that it wasn't what she said that set me off but a combination of everything.

I did everything I was supposed to.

I got laid off TWICE in three months.

I made a commitment and gave it 110%.

I had PLANS.

I felt forgotten.

I felt rejected.

I felt alone.

I was mad at Toby and Amanda.

I was mad at Erika.

I was mad at him.



But really, I was mad at God.

My heart was grieving the loss of two jobs, the man I loved, and my (ex) best friend who not only deserted me when I needed her but severed EIGHT YEARS of friendship without so much as a simple phone call. Where was HE in all of this. Had I not suffered enough the last three years combined to bypass some of this pain? I just needed an ounce of hope. I needed SOMETHING to go right. That afternoon I went to apply for a restaurant job, because I still wasn't sure the status on another full time job that I've been interviewing for. The interview for this restaurant job was roughly 15 minutes and by the end of it I had the job. This job represented more than just a job, it represented a release of pressure. I wouldn't have to move back home, defeated. I wouldn't be a drain on my parents. I wouldn't be floundering in an unemployed state for another month. Hours after my temper tantrum, He provided. Ironically enough, less than 24 hours later, I was called in for a 5th and final interview with this company. I called my mom to tell her and was sort of laughing at the irony of the situation.

I WASN'T forgotten.

I WASN'T rejected.

I WASN'T alone.

I felt mildly sheepish at my petulant behavior...but I don't regret it, because there is nothing more vulnerable than the complete meltdown in front of the one you love. He still loves me in spite of the anger, frustration and words I throw at Him. I am not worthy of that kind of love.

Thank you, Lord, for the cross.


He has risen Indeed.

Can't you just adore her?

I'm not going to tell you who wrote this song because you'll judge me. But if you really want to know, do some google-ing.


She likes chocolate in the morning
She drinks her coffee late at night
You can sense that she is guarded
But that's alright


She'll fall asleep while you're still talking
With unfinished books beside her bed
She'll cancel all of her appointments
And go shopping instead

And in spite of what is right
Far beyond what she expects
When the moon begs the question
Will you have the answer yet?

Can't you just adore her?
Oh, can't you just adore her?

She loves to watch the sunset
But she is partial to the rain
With those tears and that umbrella
Her allure goes unexplained

You made dinner in your apartment
You both assume that she'll be late
She always has the best intentions
'Cause her goodness is innate

And in spite of what is right
Far beyond what she expects
When the moon begs the question
Will you have the answer yet?

Can't you just adore?
Oh can't you just adore her?


I like chocolate in the morning
I drink my coffee late at night.


Please?

Because the sun isn't shining and I can't go outside to play.

50 Things about me.

I know, I know, but I was planning on playing in the sunshine today and it's about to rain :( sad.



1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE: I think my mom just loved the name Rachel. My middle name was my grandmother's middle name. Although if I had been a boy I would have had the same name as my dad, grandfather and great grandfather.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? This week? Haha.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? If I actually try to write nice, then yes but when I'm in a hurry it is really messy.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Hmm.... I'm a sucker for a turkey sandwich.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? None of my own, but I've adopted all my friends' kids :)

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Sure.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? That's what she said.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No actually. I haven't had them since I was 13.

9. WOULD YOU SKYDIVE? Ooh. Probably not. Since my brother's instructor died, I'm even more skeptical.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Honey Nut Rice Chex, now that they are gluten free!!! hooray!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Rarely.

12. RANDOM THING ABOUT YOU? I'm afraid of bridges. I absolutely hate them.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. yum.

14 WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE ? Normally their height.

15. BROWN OR BLACK? Both.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Oh gosh. My big feet!!!

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? A relationship that ended unexpectedly.

18. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? yes. absolutely.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans with black and white converse.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The TV.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Sunshine yellow.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? fall. boys' cologne. christmas trees. the smell right before / after it rains. my mom and dad. chocolate chips cookies in the oven. the ocean. snow.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My roommate.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON YOU LIVE WITH? Yes... hannah is hilarious.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Hmm... in person? Basketball and football. Nothing on TV really.

27. HAIR COLOR? Blonde

28. EYE COLOR? Blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes - since the 5th grade.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Gluten-free granola and yogurt. Baja Burrito.

31. SAD OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I like movies that surprise you and are creative. They don't necessarily have to end happily.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Across the Universe. One of my FAVS!

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? A white and pink shirt with a black vest.

34 SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall. Fall is my fav.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? holding hands.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Gluten-free molten chocolate cake that I had on the cruise! if only i could find that somewhere!

37. IF YOU COULD MAKE A WISH? I would wish that I would get this job I really want.

38. WHAT (in general)BOTHERS YOU THE MOST? Bad spelling... I hate hate hate bad spelling and get super annoyed with myself if I spell things incorrectly.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? "Anointed, Transformed and Redeemed" - SO good.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have one.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Across the Universe.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S): The blinker on my car. Thunderstorms. The ocean.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Hands down the Beatles.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Rome.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENTS? I can bake pretty well.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Downtown Chicago, right on Lakeshore Drive :)

47. WHO WOULD YOU RATHER MEET, PRESIDENT OBAMA OR GEORGE CLOONEY? President Obama.

48. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? Let me know so I can go there!

49. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? LOST!! The Office, Arrested Development, KINGS, Make Me a Supermodel, Fringe. I like TV. I shouldn't but I do.

50. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE? Travel. Help other people. Mentor young women. Get married and have a family. Get lots of dogs.

Gonna fix the world up for you.

I want to move mountains for you.

I want your happiness before I want my own.

I want your dreams to become a reality.

I want you to see the good in the world because I love you.

I want to be the best I can be because you believe in me.

I will love you fiercely.

I will love you selflessly.

I will be loyal to you above anyone.

I will bake you cookies for no reason.

I will write you notes so you will feel cherished.

I will never forget you.

I will always encourage you to love Christ more than you love me.

I will encourage your bromances.

I will let the boys come over and play video games / poker / smoke cigars and leave you alone.

I will always respect you.

I will always be honest with you.

I will always lean on you.

I will always be there for you to lean on.


Whoever you are, I hope you know I'm already crazy about you.

Let it be me.

Sometimes the pieces of my life are messy and sharp. It takes me by surprise when I go to pick them up and they cut my hand. They shouldn't hurt, but they do. I never thought life would end up like this. I stayed on the straight and narrow. I followed the path I was supposed to follow. All I want to do is throw my hands up in the air and scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!" Someone told me today that they were disappointed in me. I know he was tired and I'm emotional but it hurt worse than anything else. Cut me some slack! I'm twenty - two! I'm doing the best I can. I know I screwed up and I'm going to have to live with the consequences. I.get.it. What I need is support from you - not your condemnation. When it hurts I want to hide. I want to retreat into myself, shut off the lines of communication and stay away from the world. If they can't find me, it won't hurt. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I'm tired of being hurt.

Please, choose me.

You're breaking into my heart - and I'm letting you.

Dear heart,

Please don't break.

If you go, the rest of the pieces are going to come crashing down.

I know you fear the uncertain and that fear can make you manipulative, jealous, and insecure. Find your security in Him, not him. If you really trust that He is sovereign in every area of your life, you have to let go. You have to be vulnerable and open the fortress that surrounds you. The fortress that not only keeps everyone out, but keeps you in. It's going to hurt. It always does. The fear of the pain cannot dictate the relationships in your life.

Knock the walls down.
One at a time.
Break free.
Feel the sun.
And breathe.
Just. breathe.


Oh what a beautiful view, if you were never aware of what was around you.

Yours,

Rachel

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?

Any of you who have known me for a little while know that my family has walked through some painful stuff the last few years. I was on the phone with my mom yesterday and she asked me how I was doing. I think she secretly expects me to fall apart like I did in the fall, so every few days she calls me and asks me the hard questions. Anyways, I told her I was doing surprisingly well. So well in fact I thought there was something wrong because regardless of my circumstances, I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I cautiously said those words and told her my heart felt fear admitting I was happy because whenever things seem to be going smoothly, devastation immediately follows, or least it has for the last three years. It's almost like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It made me briefly reflect on how far we have come as a family and how far I have come as a young woman. I also realized that I spend so much of my life, especially in the painful seasons, with my eyes shut. My knuckles so tight they are white, my teeth clenched and my eyes refusing to see anything. I hold my breath and count to ten hoping it's over. What I miss in that moment is the beauty of the refinement process. Yes, it hurts. Yes, if I refuse to breathe and open my eyes to world around me, I might feel it a fraction less. But if I just surrender to the pain, surrender to the moments of weakness, insecurity and vulnerability, I can begin to heal faster. In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader Eustace turns into a dragon because of his selfishness and greediness. He is miserable after he can't shed his dragon skin. When he's off by himself, he meets Aslan and begs Aslan to help him. Aslan tells him there is a cure, but it is going to be painful. Eustace agrees to endure it. Aslan takes his claws and slowly begins to tear away the scales from Eustace's skin.

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel away."

How I've felt that pain - the excruciating pain that seems like it will never end. I can only imagine the tears the Father has for us as He peels away at our sin and removes the grit from our lives. When He welcome Him into that journey, we must expect that He is going to remove the hard, scaly exterior to get us to the person He created us to be. My challenge now is to keep my eyes open. How much more will I learn if I can only open my eyes a fraction more.


Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

I get by with a little help from my friends.

I have felt enormously blessed the last week. I had a dear friend ask me last night how I was feeling about life on a scale of 1-10 and I told him I was an 8.5 or a 9. He was shocked, rightly so because I had just told him I parted ways with the family I've been nannying for. But this isn't mainly about that, it's a note of gratitude for my amazing friends.

Thank you.

To all of you who prayed with me, in person, over the phone, spoke words of encouragement, made me laugh, empathized with me, and listened to me rant and rave (for a long time). Never once have I felt physically alone in this season like I did last time. I see Christ in each and every one of you - burning in such a bright way that no one can deny. There aren't even words to express the depth of my gratitude. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I owe all of you a batch of cookies :)

On that same note, you all know I'm unemployed with literally no back up plan. So I'm asking you to keep your ears open and let me know if you hear of anything. At this point, I'm willing to do anything :)


"I thank my God everytime I remember you."

Let ME build YOU a house.

I really shouldn't be up blogging right now. I'm currently going through Hot Yoga bootcamp, which basically consists of me getting up every day (m-f) at 5:15 to go do yoga in a room that is 110 degrees and 80% humidity. But I always seem to blog when it's inconvenient :)

I'm apart of a Bible study at my new church and we are studying the life of David. The timing has been perfect as it has coincided with an interesting season of my life. The part of the study I want to focus on is a section where David has become king and he's really struggling with the fact that he is living in a cedar palace and the spirit of the Lord is dwelling in a tent because the Ark of the Covenant hasn't been recovered. He asks the Lord if he can build Him a house and the Lord's response is, Let ME build YOU a house. This whole dialogue can be found in 2 Samuel 7:1-17. Read it - it is AMAZING. But the thing I want to really share is Beth Moore's commentary on the passage that literally spoke over my heart the very moment I needed to hear it.

"Do you see it? When David wanted to build a house for God, He responded 'You're not going to build a house for Me. I'm going to build a house for you!' As we conclude today's lesson, take this personally: When God doesn't appear to bless your plan to do something for Him, consider that He wants to do something for you instead. Ask Him what! Then, as He reveals it to you over time, cooperate and let Him do it! Every work of our hands that God truly blesses always originates with a specific work of His in us.

Listen, Beloved. You aren't - nor have you ever been- a failure. Anything God has stopped you from doing for Him was only so you'd be still enough to let Him first do something for you. "


Oh my gosh. I literally wept when I read that last section. There is so much freedom in someone telling you that you aren't a failure.

you.
aren't.
a.
failure.

Can you even grasp that?? I know I can't. It seems unbelievable to me that God will stop "good" to give me "best."


It's a rough time for me. I can't go into too many details but my heart is heavy. I know He's in control. I know He's sovereign and above all, I know He's GOOD.

.remember.


are you growing weary of all my good intentions?

Love, save the empty.

I loved you.

For a really long time.

To the capacity that I knew how to love, I loved you.

And you chose someone else. I should have known long ago when I first noticed her name creep up in conversation. But I was naive and believed there was a chance for us. A chance to be known and loved for the first time. I've come to accept it. I knew from the very beginning that it was going to end one of two ways, you were going to fall in love with me or fall in love with someone else.

Now I wonder if I loved you or the idea of you.

It doesn't change all those butterflies I felt or the tears I cried, it just makes me wonder if there is something out there that is so much more than I can imagine. I am excited for the next time because I'm getting better every go round. I'm choosing better and acting better.

For now, I'm making plans. Big plans. (but also making plans to change those plans....)

February, you've been alot less painful than normal but I'm ready for you to be over.

Thanks.