Hope does not disappoint.

Changing to wordpress

2009-09-11T20:31:00.001-05:00

Switched over to Wordpress!!

Check it out:

http://rachelmueller.wordpress.com/

It feels like chaos.

2009-08-06T23:12:00.002-05:00

There's alot of emotions swirling around in my head and heart. Most of them hurt. This is a hard week.

Last week I heard this song on the radio and I bought it on my phone almost as soon as it finished.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me

I give everything

I surrender...

To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

Trying to breathe in and let everything out.

My hope is in Him.

In Repair

2009-07-27T00:20:00.004-05:00

John Mayer has always been able to write songs that I relate to in an almost uncanny way. It's probably why he's selling a crap ton of records. I've re-discovered a CD that I burned that has a bunch of songs from Room For Squares, Heavier Things and Continuum. It's a great little mix and it's been on repeat in my car. Recently, I can't get past "In Repair." There is something so fitting about that song and the place I'm in. Slowly but surely I'm beginning my climb up the mountain. Granted I still slide back down but inch by inch it's getting better.

Oh, it's taking so long.
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair

Some big things are happening. Things that six months ago I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle. I still might break down and cry the day away but I know that it won't destroy me.

I asked for a way out - if it wasn't me, then I needed a way out.

I got that way - I just never realized it would wreck my entire life.

That's the amazing/painful/scary/real thing about walking with Jesus. When you give your life to Him, He comes in and wrecks the entire thing. Once the walk REALLY starts, He pulls away at the armor and destroys it piece by piece. What a season of refinement this is...

I'm in repair
I'm not together, but I'm getting there

Numb

2009-07-21T15:36:00.002-05:00

I've been operating in the "numb" category for quite some time. Rejection, disappointment and hurt have been my constant companion for awhile now and at some point, I put a wall up. I shut down and didn't want to engage in my relationship with the Lord because I felt so betrayed and forgotten. I don't understand why I've had SEVEN INTERVIEWS with Dave Ramsey and haven't gotten a single offer. I don't understand why everyone else seems to be finding amazing jobs and nothing is coming my way. I don't want this to come across as whiny and complaining - I'm just truly at a loss. I'm in the most vulnerable place I've ever been in. It hurts too much to pray, to hope and be disappointed, to read scripture and see God's faithfulness for everyone but me. This is exactly the place Satan wants me in. To get me hopeless and in the pit of despair.

Today I got a phone call from someone very near and dear to me. At one point he said, "Rachel, I just feel like God wants me to remind you that not only is my love for you unconditional, but God's love is even more so. He loves you and you need to know that." It rocked my world. Tears immediately sprung into my eyes and I couldn't disguise the emotion as I tried to explain how things have been rough for me lately - that I've been in a bad place. It took those few words to encourage my heart in a way that it hasn't felt in months. This is a valley. It's a dark scary place that I've never been in before and it shows no sign of ending anytime soon. But I'm not alone and no matter how afraid or angry I am - I am not alone. I may push and push and push Him away but He knows that every push is a broken cry for Him to hold me tighter and to never ever let go.

Today I felt like a daughter sheltered in her Father's arms.

Today I felt like I could survive another day of vulnerability.

Today it didn't hurt as bad.

Today - I felt hope.

This could be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive.

2009-06-24T11:15:00.003-05:00

My spirit was made to wander. There is nothing more exciting to me than packing up my suitcase, jumping in a van, bus, plane, train, whatever, and taking off for places unknown. I think it's because I'm certain that I'm missing out on something better somewhere else. Sometimes I wonder if the longing of my heart to be a gypsy will ever cease. Will I ever want to put down roots and be content with where I am? Especially now - with things being so unstable and uncertain, I just want to traipse across the world and see it all. We moved and traveled so much when I was a kid that it just seems natural to change my surroundings often. I miss it. I miss seeing the world with my family. I know I've said this before but I never thought my life would turn out the way that it has. I literally have no plan for what's next. Just when I think I'm about to get back on track, I get thrown another curveball. It's starting to wear me down. How much longer do I have to endure the rejection and the disappointment? His faithfulness I am certain of, but it's the timing that has me questioning. Do I remain in this place forever? Is this my wilderness? The longings of my heart aren't being fulfilled - is it because my longings aren't what's best for my life? So many questions and never any answers.

I feel like I fall in love with a new job every day. This one, I tell myself, this one is different... it's special. I want to shout from the world my passion and excitement about the thought of this and yet my fragile heart fears to be disappointed. I don't want any job, I want THE job. I want the job that I can give my life to - that will make a difference in the world - that will combine my passions and my strengths. I want to care for the widows and orphans and I want to use music to do that. But how? How can I move this impossibly big mountain in front of me? Is THIS the job or am I just making myself fall in love again?

Why do I feel like I'm climbing a mountain and not getting anywhere?

"...because of the Lord, who is faithful, the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you... Though she may forget, I will not forget you." - Isaiah 49

I'm staring at the mess I made.

2009-05-29T15:24:00.002-05:00

I should have held my ground
I should have spoken up
I should have proudly claimed
that oh my head's to blame for all my heart's mistakes.

I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made

as you turn, you take your heart and walk away.

It's on me now... as you go.

Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever wonder what I'm doing?

I'm sorry - I was so young, so unsure and so afraid.

But I've changed. Come find me.

The familiar ache

2009-05-14T20:56:00.002-05:00

I'm packing up my apartment - getting ready to move just a few streets away. I have a love / hate relationship with moving. I love starting over, getting the chance to make new memories, cleaning out the old and closing a door. I hate packing everything up, cleaning my old apartment and the fear of the unknown with the new place. Last night I was going through some old journals and I came across the last entries before I met Tyler, the two after I met him, and the many after my heart was shattered. One in particular stood out. I remember writing it. I had just woken up from the most realistic dream I've ever had. He held my hand, told me he was sorry and that it was all a big misunderstanding. Then he kissed me. When I woke up, I realized it was all a dream, and he was still mad at me. My heart was still broken and I realized I was probably never going to see him again. I wept for hours that day. Hours. This journal entry chronicled the pain. All the things I had loved about him, all the things I missed, all the things that infuriated me, all the things I wanted back. And then I cried for my broken heart. For the months that I spent crying myself to sleep. All I could ask the Lord was if He wept for me too? During that terrible time, did He mourn for my broken heart? I know He did. I know that His tears were mixed in with mine as I laid there unable to breathe. I know He ached with me during the mornings I couldn't get out of bed. I know He knew. He knew...

It's been four years, almost to the day, since I met him. If I could go back to myself during that time all I would tell myself is to be confident in who I was and love without reservation. I wouldn't take back one single moment of that summer, I would only take back the way it fell apart. I should have been honest. I should have been the one to tell him. I should have grabbed him and kissed him when I had the chance. If only... but, I didn't, because that's not who I am. Anchorman was our movie. Wild Ginger was our restaurant. Sundays were our mornings. I have an extraordinary and rare love. And you didn't want it. I hope you're happy now, I really do.

But there is still a tiny bit of me that hopes the ring you gave to her turns her finger green.

Never again - will I kiss you
Never again - will I want to.
Never again - will I love you.

Never.

Jesus, you are enough.

2009-05-11T22:40:00.003-05:00

Six months ago I found myself being asked a really tough question...

am I enough?

What those three little words did to change my world. I wrestled and pleaded and tearfully asked the Lord to forgive me when I didn't have an answer. And when the answer came, in the still quiet whisper, I rejoiced and felt confident that He was enough. I wanted Jesus more than my dream job, more than the man I had loved for a year, friends to walk through life with me, or financial stability. I just wanted Him. Knowing that and truly believing it with every fiber of my being allowed me to be free. I threw off the anxiety and trusted that He knew my needs better than I did. When I finally got to that place, pieces started to fall into place. My foundations were solid, the ground was firm, and my heart knew that whatever the cost, whatever the future held, I knew I was loved beyond anything I could ever imagine.

you did it for me
you did it for love
it's your victory,
Jesus, you are enough

I can't even begin to tell you how quickly the things I desired happened. I got an amazing job in a few days, dear friends soon followed, the pain of a shattered heart soon lessened and began to heal, and for the first time in my life I wasn't scraping by. Things were still hard and as life goes, I soon hit another rough patch, but it wasn't nearly as devastating as the first time. I leaned hard into Christ and saw Him show up. Because that's what He does - He shows up. Lately I've noticed thoughts and patterns in my life that aren't what I want them to be. My brain latches onto an idea or an attitude and I run with it. So far that I can't pull myself back. I've wrestled with this forever, especially when it comes to guys I like. My behavior can be so hot and cold. I feel so sorry for them because 90% of the time they have no idea what they've done. I've tried alot of things to take these thoughts captive and really live in freedom and not in death but so far nothing has helped. As I was having a quiet time the other day, I just kept coming back to the concept of resting in who He is and what He's promised to do. It hit me like a ton of bricks - just because I told Jesus He was enough six months ago doesn't mean I still believe it today. Daily I need to take up His cross. Daily, hourly, every second of the day, with every breath, He needs to be enough. I have totally lost sight of that. I hate the behavior in me. I hate the crazy / jealous / manipulative / sinful woman I can be!! He always needs to be enough. Regardless of my circumstances. I need to do a better job of remembering.

God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Thriving in the impossible.

2009-04-20T23:51:00.003-05:00

When we fix our eyes on Jesus, it's alot easier to trust. Our problem is that we inherently look at the storm around us. Peter is a great example of this. He got out of the boat and started to walk on water. WALK ON WATER! His problem wasn't that he was WALKING ON WATER it was that he took his eyes off Jesus and started looking at the storm around him. He was so focused on his momentary troubles that he couldn't see the miracle the Lord was working in him at that very moment. I think I've blogged about this in the past but lately I've been really digging through Scripture and finding the theme of God thriving in impossible situations. He doesn't just provide, He THRIVES. Something I read tonight in Romans really connected with me.

Romans 4:18-22

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, " So shall your offspring be." Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead - since he was about a hundred years old - and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He has promised. This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness."

And God came through!! He became the father of all the nations. How's that for a fulfillment of God's promises? I keep finding stories like this where when it seemed all hope was lost, God came through in a big big way. I've seen that happen in my own life. A situation that I had thought was completely hopeless, that would never be resolved, and impossible to reconcile, and yet last night, the healing process began. Better than I ever hoped. I mean look at the foundation of Christianity. We were HOPELESS. We could have no fellowship with God because of our sin and yet while we were still sinful, Christ freaking died for us!! I guess I'm just overwhelmed tonight by this. Right now so many things in my life look impossible. Jobs, finances, dreams, etc. I have no idea how they can ever work out because I can only see the little tiny spot in front of me. That spot is cloudy and messy but I keep seeing His faithfulness because He loves us. Oh how He loves.

He is jealous for me
loves like a hurricane
I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
All of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions
eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
and how great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us so.

He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

He is our portion and
He is our prize
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes
if His grace is an ocean
we're all sinking.
And heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way that He loves us.

Oh, how He loves us.

I dreamed a dream...

2009-04-16T00:41:00.003-05:00

THIS blessed my heart in an extremely big way.

Watch the entire thing. You won't regret it.

Maybe it's because I can identify with her. Maybe it's because everyone is laughing at her as she shares her dreams. Maybe it's because she opens her mouth and you understand what it's like to dream about something so much it consumes you. Maybe it's because she's amazing. Maybe it's because the song seems to completely explain her life.

I'm not sure but all I know is that I literally wiped tears from my eyes. She's dreaming BIG dreams and taking a big risk. And it's about to pay-off.

God: 1 - Rachel: 0

2009-04-10T16:33:00.002-05:00

I screamed at God this week. When I say, screamed I mean, SCREAMED. I was so angry that I was shaking. My mom called me Wednesday morning to talk about something and it was the last straw. Everything had been building up and eventually we just hung up on each other because we were both emotional. She called me back a few minutes later and by that point I was in tears. I tried explaining that it wasn't what she said that set me off but a combination of everything.

I did everything I was supposed to.

I got laid off TWICE in three months.

I made a commitment and gave it 110%.

I had PLANS.

I felt forgotten.

I felt rejected.

I felt alone.

I was mad at Toby and Amanda.

I was mad at Erika.

I was mad at him.

But really, I was mad at God.

My heart was grieving the loss of two jobs, the man I loved, and my (ex) best friend who not only deserted me when I needed her but severed EIGHT YEARS of friendship without so much as a simple phone call. Where was HE in all of this. Had I not suffered enough the last three years combined to bypass some of this pain? I just needed an ounce of hope. I needed SOMETHING to go right. That afternoon I went to apply for a restaurant job, because I still wasn't sure the status on another full time job that I've been interviewing for. The interview for this restaurant job was roughly 15 minutes and by the end of it I had the job. This job represented more than just a job, it represented a release of pressure. I wouldn't have to move back home, defeated. I wouldn't be a drain on my parents. I wouldn't be floundering in an unemployed state for another month. Hours after my temper tantrum, He provided. Ironically enough, less than 24 hours later, I was called in for a 5th and final interview with this company. I called my mom to tell her and was sort of laughing at the irony of the situation.

I WASN'T forgotten.

I WASN'T rejected.

I WASN'T alone.

I felt mildly sheepish at my petulant behavior...but I don't regret it, because there is nothing more vulnerable than the complete meltdown in front of the one you love. He still loves me in spite of the anger, frustration and words I throw at Him. I am not worthy of that kind of love.

Thank you, Lord, for the cross.

He has risen Indeed.

Can't you just adore her?

2009-04-07T19:54:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to tell you who wrote this song because you'll judge me. But if you really want to know, do some google-ing.

She likes chocolate in the morning
She drinks her coffee late at night
You can sense that she is guarded
But that's alright

She'll fall asleep while you're still talking
With unfinished books beside her bed
She'll cancel all of her appointments
And go shopping instead

And in spite of what is right
Far beyond what she expects
When the moon begs the question
Will you have the answer yet?

Can't you just adore her?
Oh, can't you just adore her?

She loves to watch the sunset
But she is partial to the rain
With those tears and that umbrella
Her allure goes unexplained

You made dinner in your apartment
You both assume that she'll be late
She always has the best intentions
'Cause her goodness is innate

And in spite of what is right
Far beyond what she expects
When the moon begs the question
Will you have the answer yet?

Can't you just adore?
Oh can't you just adore her?

I like chocolate in the morning
I drink my coffee late at night.

Please?

Because the sun isn't shining and I can't go outside to play.

2009-04-05T13:58:00.003-05:00

50 Things about me.

I know, I know, but I was planning on playing in the sunshine today and it's about to rain :( sad.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE: I think my mom just loved the name Rachel. My middle name was my grandmother's middle name. Although if I had been a boy I would have had the same name as my dad, grandfather and great grandfather.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? This week? Haha.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? If I actually try to write nice, then yes but when I'm in a hurry it is really messy.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? Hmm.... I'm a sucker for a turkey sandwich.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? None of my own, but I've adopted all my friends' kids :)

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Sure.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? That's what she said.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? No actually. I haven't had them since I was 13.

9. WOULD YOU SKYDIVE? Ooh. Probably not. Since my brother's instructor died, I'm even more skeptical.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Honey Nut Rice Chex, now that they are gluten free!!! hooray!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Rarely.

12. RANDOM THING ABOUT YOU? I'm afraid of bridges. I absolutely hate them.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. yum.

14 WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE ? Normally their height.

15. BROWN OR BLACK? Both.

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Oh gosh. My big feet!!!

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? A relationship that ended unexpectedly.

18. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? yes. absolutely.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans with black and white converse.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The TV.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Sunshine yellow.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? fall. boys' cologne. christmas trees. the smell right before / after it rains. my mom and dad. chocolate chips cookies in the oven. the ocean. snow.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My roommate.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON YOU LIVE WITH? Yes... hannah is hilarious.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Hmm... in person? Basketball and football. Nothing on TV really.

27. HAIR COLOR? Blonde

28. EYE COLOR? Blue

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Yes - since the 5th grade.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Gluten-free granola and yogurt. Baja Burrito.

31. SAD OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I like movies that surprise you and are creative. They don't necessarily have to end happily.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Across the Universe. One of my FAVS!

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? A white and pink shirt with a black vest.

34 SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall. Fall is my fav.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? holding hands.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Gluten-free molten chocolate cake that I had on the cruise! if only i could find that somewhere!

37. IF YOU COULD MAKE A WISH? I would wish that I would get this job I really want.

38. WHAT (in general)BOTHERS YOU THE MOST? Bad spelling... I hate hate hate bad spelling and get super annoyed with myself if I spell things incorrectly.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? "Anointed, Transformed and Redeemed" - SO good.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have one.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Across the Universe.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S): The blinker on my car. Thunderstorms. The ocean.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Hands down the Beatles.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Rome.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENTS? I can bake pretty well.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Downtown Chicago, right on Lakeshore Drive :)

47. WHO WOULD YOU RATHER MEET, PRESIDENT OBAMA OR GEORGE CLOONEY? President Obama.

48. WHERE DID YOU MEET YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? Let me know so I can go there!

49. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? LOST!! The Office, Arrested Development, KINGS, Make Me a Supermodel, Fringe. I like TV. I shouldn't but I do.

50. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE? Travel. Help other people. Mentor young women. Get married and have a family. Get lots of dogs.

Gonna fix the world up for you.

2009-03-31T13:33:00.002-05:00

I want to move mountains for you.

I want your happiness before I want my own.

I want your dreams to become a reality.

I want you to see the good in the world because I love you.

I want to be the best I can be because you believe in me.

I will love you fiercely.

I will love you selflessly.

I will be loyal to you above anyone.

I will bake you cookies for no reason.

I will write you notes so you will feel cherished.

I will never forget you.

I will always encourage you to love Christ more than you love me.

I will encourage your bromances.

I will let the boys come over and play video games / poker / smoke cigars and leave you alone.

I will always respect you.

I will always be honest with you.

I will always lean on you.

I will always be there for you to lean on.

Whoever you are, I hope you know I'm already crazy about you.

Let it be me.

2009-03-28T20:03:00.002-05:00

Sometimes the pieces of my life are messy and sharp. It takes me by surprise when I go to pick them up and they cut my hand. They shouldn't hurt, but they do. I never thought life would end up like this. I stayed on the straight and narrow. I followed the path I was supposed to follow. All I want to do is throw my hands up in the air and scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!" Someone told me today that they were disappointed in me. I know he was tired and I'm emotional but it hurt worse than anything else. Cut me some slack! I'm twenty - two! I'm doing the best I can. I know I screwed up and I'm going to have to live with the consequences. I.get.it. What I need is support from you - not your condemnation. When it hurts I want to hide. I want to retreat into myself, shut off the lines of communication and stay away from the world. If they can't find me, it won't hurt. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I'm tired of being hurt.

Please, choose me.

You're breaking into my heart - and I'm letting you.

2009-03-24T16:15:00.003-05:00

Dear heart,

Please don't break.

If you go, the rest of the pieces are going to come crashing down.

I know you fear the uncertain and that fear can make you manipulative, jealous, and insecure. Find your security in Him, not him. If you really trust that He is sovereign in every area of your life, you have to let go. You have to be vulnerable and open the fortress that surrounds you. The fortress that not only keeps everyone out, but keeps you in. It's going to hurt. It always does. The fear of the pain cannot dictate the relationships in your life.

Knock the walls down.
One at a time.
Break free.
Feel the sun.
And breathe.
Just. breathe.

Oh what a beautiful view, if you were never aware of what was around you.

Yours,

Rachel

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?

2009-03-17T08:55:00.006-05:00

Any of you who have known me for a little while know that my family has walked through some painful stuff the last few years. I was on the phone with my mom yesterday and she asked me how I was doing. I think she secretly expects me to fall apart like I did in the fall, so every few days she calls me and asks me the hard questions. Anyways, I told her I was doing surprisingly well. So well in fact I thought there was something wrong because regardless of my circumstances, I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I cautiously said those words and told her my heart felt fear admitting I was happy because whenever things seem to be going smoothly, devastation immediately follows, or least it has for the last three years. It's almost like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It made me briefly reflect on how far we have come as a family and how far I have come as a young woman. I also realized that I spend so much of my life, especially in the painful seasons, with my eyes shut. My knuckles so tight they are white, my teeth clenched and my eyes refusing to see anything. I hold my breath and count to ten hoping it's over. What I miss in that moment is the beauty of the refinement process. Yes, it hurts. Yes, if I refuse to breathe and open my eyes to world around me, I might feel it a fraction less. But if I just surrender to the pain, surrender to the moments of weakness, insecurity and vulnerability, I can begin to heal faster. In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader Eustace turns into a dragon because of his selfishness and greediness. He is miserable after he can't shed his dragon skin. When he's off by himself, he meets Aslan and begs Aslan to help him. Aslan tells him there is a cure, but it is going to be painful. Eustace agrees to endure it. Aslan takes his claws and slowly begins to tear away the scales from Eustace's skin.

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel away."

How I've felt that pain - the excruciating pain that seems like it will never end. I can only imagine the tears the Father has for us as He peels away at our sin and removes the grit from our lives. When He welcome Him into that journey, we must expect that He is going to remove the hard, scaly exterior to get us to the person He created us to be. My challenge now is to keep my eyes open. How much more will I learn if I can only open my eyes a fraction more.

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?

I get by with a little help from my friends.

2009-03-11T11:29:00.002-05:00

I have felt enormously blessed the last week. I had a dear friend ask me last night how I was feeling about life on a scale of 1-10 and I told him I was an 8.5 or a 9. He was shocked, rightly so because I had just told him I parted ways with the family I've been nannying for. But this isn't mainly about that, it's a note of gratitude for my amazing friends.

Thank you.

To all of you who prayed with me, in person, over the phone, spoke words of encouragement, made me laugh, empathized with me, and listened to me rant and rave (for a long time). Never once have I felt physically alone in this season like I did last time. I see Christ in each and every one of you - burning in such a bright way that no one can deny. There aren't even words to express the depth of my gratitude. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I owe all of you a batch of cookies :)

On that same note, you all know I'm unemployed with literally no back up plan. So I'm asking you to keep your ears open and let me know if you hear of anything. At this point, I'm willing to do anything :)

"I thank my God everytime I remember you."

Let ME build YOU a house.

2009-03-10T00:27:00.002-05:00

I really shouldn't be up blogging right now. I'm currently going through Hot Yoga bootcamp, which basically consists of me getting up every day (m-f) at 5:15 to go do yoga in a room that is 110 degrees and 80% humidity. But I always seem to blog when it's inconvenient :)

I'm apart of a Bible study at my new church and we are studying the life of David. The timing has been perfect as it has coincided with an interesting season of my life. The part of the study I want to focus on is a section where David has become king and he's really struggling with the fact that he is living in a cedar palace and the spirit of the Lord is dwelling in a tent because the Ark of the Covenant hasn't been recovered. He asks the Lord if he can build Him a house and the Lord's response is, Let ME build YOU a house. This whole dialogue can be found in 2 Samuel 7:1-17. Read it - it is AMAZING. But the thing I want to really share is Beth Moore's commentary on the passage that literally spoke over my heart the very moment I needed to hear it.

"Do you see it? When David wanted to build a house for God, He responded 'You're not going to build a house for Me. I'm going to build a house for you!' As we conclude today's lesson, take this personally: When God doesn't appear to bless your plan to do something for Him, consider that He wants to do something for you instead. Ask Him what! Then, as He reveals it to you over time, cooperate and let Him do it! Every work of our hands that God truly blesses always originates with a specific work of His in us.

Listen, Beloved. You aren't - nor have you ever been- a failure. Anything God has stopped you from doing for Him was only so you'd be still enough to let Him first do something for you. "

Oh my gosh. I literally wept when I read that last section. There is so much freedom in someone telling you that you aren't a failure.

you.
aren't.
a.
failure.

Can you even grasp that?? I know I can't. It seems unbelievable to me that God will stop "good" to give me "best."

It's a rough time for me. I can't go into too many details but my heart is heavy. I know He's in control. I know He's sovereign and above all, I know He's GOOD.

.remember.

are you growing weary of all my good intentions?

Love, save the empty.

2009-02-23T17:09:00.003-06:00

I loved you.

For a really long time.

To the capacity that I knew how to love, I loved you.

And you chose someone else. I should have known long ago when I first noticed her name creep up in conversation. But I was naive and believed there was a chance for us. A chance to be known and loved for the first time. I've come to accept it. I knew from the very beginning that it was going to end one of two ways, you were going to fall in love with me or fall in love with someone else.

Now I wonder if I loved you or the idea of you.

It doesn't change all those butterflies I felt or the tears I cried, it just makes me wonder if there is something out there that is so much more than I can imagine. I am excited for the next time because I'm getting better every go round. I'm choosing better and acting better.

For now, I'm making plans. Big plans. (but also making plans to change those plans....)

February, you've been alot less painful than normal but I'm ready for you to be over.

Thanks.

Goodbye to you

2009-02-02T21:02:00.006-06:00

I am lonely.

Does anyone else ever feel that way? An empty ache of loneliness that goes to the core of who you are? While I'm satisfied in my relationship with Christ, He created us to be in fellowship with each other and my community has died in the last two years. The blame belongs to no one but me. I cut myself out of relationships and hid behind school and a new zip code. Keeping a few close, those few have moved or betrayed me to the deepest level. I feel lost, afraid, and alone. Regardless of who I interacted with, I still interacted with many people on a daily basis when I worked with Chris. There was an equal level of social standing and intellect. Now most of my conversations are with little bodies who can't read let alone communicate their passions and struggles. If I was surrounded by a community, a church, something to release into, I could handle it. I cannot do this job without establishing a new foundation. I cannot. Will you pray for me? That I will find men and women that I can pour into / pour into me. I haven't had "real" friends (that I hang out with, go to movies, etc) in at least two years. Friends that didn't come from a convenient working relationship. They didn't care to know me, they only cared because I knew things they wanted to know. It was easy, I let it be my safety net. I didn't have to pursue their friendship or risk getting rejected because at the end of the day we HAD to communicate and be with each other because of how our lives interacted almost daily.

goodbye to you
goodbye to everything I thought I knew

I am changing, less and less asleep.

2009-01-18T23:18:00.004-06:00

Happy New Year :)

I know I'm way late on this blog. My days have been consumed with poopy diapers, black eyes (note to self: a two year old and a drum stick as a "sword" are never a good combo. see: my face.), puke, sinus infections, snow days, tears, laughter, Go Dog Go, and immense joy. I started my new job two weeks ago and while the hours are long (12 hours+), I absolutely love it. Every piece. Even when I was cleaning up a 6 year-old's recently eaten mac n cheese, my heart had nothing but compassion for this poor sick little boy. It is everything I never knew I needed. The Lord has provided down to the tiniest details. Financially, emotionally, physically - it is better than I could have hoped. I fall in love with these precious kids more every day. Sometimes I want to tear my hair out, but I'm asking for a gentle heart and patience. Oh Lord grant me infinite patience :) I just want these kids to know they are loved. Not only by me but by their Creator. They need to know that He desires them above anything else and nothing they can ever do or say can change that. This is BY FAR the hardest job I have ever done. It's weird because taking care of 5 kids doesn't seem like it would be that hard of a job but it is an entirely different mindset. I've had to keep my heart in check so many times because this job would humble even the proudest of warriors. I have an entirely new respect for mothers and their ability to raise children. No one prepares you for how hard it can be.

I'm also seeing the changes in my heart and my spirit. I am content. So content and so happy to just be doing life with these people. I miss them on my days off, when I'm away. More than anything else, I've seen how faithful the Lord really is. My heart is so bad at remembering His goodness even though I have a written word I can turn to, to see thousands of years of faithfulness. He knew exactly when my heart needed out. From Day 1 my prayer was for protection. Sometimes protection comes in very very unexpected and sometimes painful ways. It hurt like hell. I don't blame anyone. Not even myself. Until I came to a place of saying, "yes, You are enough and even though I don't think my life is going to turn out this way, You will still be enough even if it does" I couldn't drink from the depths of His healing. Until I was utterly reliant on who He is, I couldn't know the power of His mercy. There was so much about this experience that changed my walk with the Lord. And to be honest, I wouldn't go back to the way things were. I know that every moment where I have been is exactly where I needed to be and I wouldn't change a second. Even to spare the pain.

Anyways - this blog is starting to get full of cliches. It's late and I have lots to do on my day off, plus I am fighting an AWFUL sinus infection. I honestly don't remember the last time I was this sick for so long. This thing has hung on for at least 10 days and I'm barely able to smell, taste or hear things again.

Things I am completely loving:
Tea
DVR
Brooke Fraser
"Single Ladies" - Beyonce
LOST coming back in 3 days
The nanny cottage
John Adams HBO Special
Season 2 of Big Love
Criminal Minds(!!!!)
Lotion Kleenex
Rosebud Salve

Things I NEED to see or do:
Slumdog Millionaire
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Revolutionary Road
Hot Yoga

also. I flushed Caspian and Jabez today. It was really really sad.

that's all.

I've been here a million times.

2008-12-26T23:30:00.002-06:00

I can feel myself falling.

I can also feel myself bracing for the impact.

I always do this. I fall for the guy who doesn't fall back.

My heart is JUST starting to mend from the past year and a half. I don't want this. My focus for the next time in my life is NOT this. Taking care of 5 kids is going to be work enough. I don't need to be worrying about having a crush on someone. That's all this is. A crush. He doesn't even know my name. I've never even met him. But chances are, we'll meet. And he'll probably be cuter, funnier, and even more sweet in person. I can feel the walls coming up. All honesty, my heart is wounded from this other guy, the best kind of wound, but a wound nonetheless.

Someday I'll learn. Guys like that don't go for girls like me. And the sooner I learn that, the better off I'll be.

My daughters, I urge you, do not awaken love before it so desires.

Silent night, Holy night.

2008-12-25T00:40:00.004-06:00

Merry Christmas Eve. (I wrote this on Christmas Eve on Mountain time fyi)

Tonight we (the fam and some dear friends) went to the evening service and I was reminded why I absolutely love this time of the year. I know every church does the candlelight moment but tonight it felt so holy, so beautiful, that I literally got goosebumps. It was amazing to me how much my life has changed since the last time I stepped foot into that church and took communion four weeks ago. You see friends, last time I was there, my heart was breaking with uncertainty, vulnerability, and humbleness. I didn't know what my future was going to hold and I had accepted that He was enough. Yet, here I am, weeks later, with the most incredible job opportunity. Literally a week ago I got a call from a friend about a nanny position. Within three days I found out about it, interviewed and got the job. THREE DAYS. It's above and beyond what I could have wished for. Everyone I've told about this job is freaking out. Out of sensitivity to the family, I'm not going to share their name or really any details except that it's going to be amazing. God worked out the smallest details - I seriously don't know how I could have gotten a better job. While my heart is still breaking to leave Chris, Steph, the girls, and all our artists, I know that this is right. There is no question in my mind that the Lord's fingerprints are all over this. I am blessed. Blessed blessed blessed. I have so much to be thankful for this Christmas - aside from this amazing job. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to wake up and it's going to be a dream. The only thing that has me a tad uncertain is the fact that I'm going to be staying in Nashville, albeit moving to Franklin. I really thought my time in Nashville was coming to a close, but I guess the Lord has other plans for me :)

On another note, I'm home in Colorado for about a week with the fam. Unfortunately my body isn't cooperating and I came down with a cold/virus of sorts. I had been fighting it the last week or so in Nash but was literally going at 100mph so I think my body was just waiting until I calmed down for a few days. I woke up yesterday with a sore throat and stuffy head. Ended up going to bed at 8:30 last night and sleeping until 10:30 this morning! 14 hours of sleep!! I desperately needed it. Lots of Emergen-C and Zicam. Crossing my fingers for a better day tomorrow. Dad, Mike and I are going to try and head up the mountains to get a day of skiing in! Let's hope my little cold goes away for that.

For now it's time for me to head to bed. Wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Remember those who have lost loved ones, are going through a hard time or just need to be prayed for this holiday season.

Sleep in heavenly peace.

Sometimes all you can do is grab onto something...

2008-12-07T21:37:00.008-06:00

and fall apart.

She looked at me and said, "Are you okay?" My throat was clogged with tears as I nodded. Don't lose it, Mueller. Keep it together. Not here. Not now. And then the first verse of that song was projected onto the screens and I knew I was quickly losing my composure. I grabbed her hand, felt her pull away momentarily and then was engulfed in her strong arms. It was all I could do to bury my heard in her shoulder and sob. Gut wrenching, painful sobs, with tears coming so fast I couldn't tell if they were drops or a small river. She stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe. Moment by moment my breathing evened out and I felt the tears slowing. I lifted my head but stayed in her arms because it was there that I knew everything was going to be okay. It felt purifying. The torrent of tears washed away the debris and cleaned out the wound. For a moment I felt like I could see, like the scabs fell off and the truth of the moment, the pain of the process, the ugliness of my disobedience put into perspective for those few moments. You see after every storm, there comes a time of calm. In every valley there is the faintest hint of light. At some point the darkness begins to lessen and you realize that this too will come to an end. When you're in the storm, shrouded in darkness and terrified, the promise of light and clarity feels like mockery. I stopped listening to those voices. I KNOW it gets easier. I know this goes away. I know all things work together for the good of those that love Him. I. know. Stop telling me. I had to come to a point where I accepted the darkness. My heart had to surrender and lie completely naked, stripped of everything I know or can use as a shield and trust that His plan is better than mine. That my plan a and plan b were less than what I was created for, even if it meant what I'm created for looks nothing like what I want it to. He always promised to provide, just not necessarily the way I hope He will. Do I think the rest of my life will be what my small puzzle piece looks like for the next 6 months? No, I don't. But do I have to accept if that is what brings the most glory to Him then that's what it WILL look like? Yes, I do. And then I heard those three words so gently it was if they had been spoken directly in my ear.

am I enough?

they were so aching, so desperate that I literally stopped what I was doing and paid attention.

i don't know. i whispered. i just don't know.

I was so afraid that if I said He was, I would never get anything I wanted because He would take me up on it. I started to think about it and realized that all of these things I wanted would never satisfy. For so long I let myself believe they made me happy and it hit me. I want Jesus more than I want anything else in this life. For the first time in my entire existence, I can honestly say that - from a place of unwavering certainty and know that He is going to call me to walk through it. I'm not afraid to give up all my dreams because my heart desires Him more than anything else. I tried to satisfy it with wanting to get married and have babies. When that didn't happen, I tried this job that could keep me so busy and wrapped up in it that I could forget the aching emptiness. I thought about some of the exciting things that might happen that would be unbelievable and they still left me longing for Him. Nothing satisfies like He does. It doesn't change the pain of letting go of my dreams and the pain of the things getting taken away. In fact I'm aware of the pain now more than ever. A dear friend told me to think of it like this. Adam didn't realize he needed Eve. He didn't know she was everything that was missing in his life. God put him to sleep, took his rib and created the entire picture. Because we've lost the perfect communion with God, we are no longer able to sleep during the rib removing process. He strips us down, with tears in His eyes, begging us to understand that while this hurts more than anything ever can and we don't think we can endure a single more moment, He is doing so much in our lives. He is completing the big picture, the things we could never have imagined we were missing out on. My heart yelled out, YES! It IS unbearable. This hurts worse than anything I've ever felt. I feel so alone. So desperately alone and afraid. I have to imagine that Adam felt alone too, until he realized that Eve was everything that made him whole.

Today I can say I want Him more than I want anything else in the world. In some ways it's easier to say I want Him more than I want anything else because everything has been taken away. Let's say I get this amazing job, travel the world, and by some chance meet a man who adores me or my life DOES end up only like this little puzzle piece. Will I still be able to say I want Him more than and in spite of all of that? I'm not sure, but I'm really hoping I can.

Psalm 63 1-3a

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life.

Am I lost or just less found?

2008-11-21T11:59:00.003-06:00

The last six weeks or so have been trying indeed. Scratch that, the last six months have been trying. For some reason I felt myself in the midst of a wilderness and I just didn't care. I've always been a big believer that apathy and not necessarily sin is the ultimate downfall of a Christian. When you are living in sinful behavior, you are aware of it or become aware of it through consequences, people calling you out, or conviction. Apathy is an entirely different story. Apathy speaks quietly over the nagging voice telling me to read my Bible or delve into the goodness of Christ. Apathy emboldens me to miss church without regret and shut myself off from a community. Apathy is the best mask of all because to the outside world I'm living just the way a "good Christian girl" should live. Lewis spoke alot about apathy in The Screwtape Letters. I think this book really opened my awareness to the dangers of apathy. My life had been coasting along without any major hiccups and it allowed me to continue to live apathetically. I didn't need passion because passion brought discontent for me. I can't do anything half-assed. I'm either all the way in or I'm all the way out. Things are so black and white to me which can be good and also bad. So the thought about getting passionate about something outside of my current life scared the living daylights out of me because I knew it would inevitably bring change. Change that wouldn't make sense to anyone, especially me so I shut it down anyway I knew how. When I found out I was being taken off full time, these feelings came rushing back. Every moment of every day since then I've been fighting a war with my spirit. The fight to REMEMBER. Oddly enough as these things were happening in my life, we were going through a series in Exodus at church. Exile, Silence, Exodus, WIlderness, Wandering, Idols, Redemption. I saw the story paralleling my own life and I was humbled and horrified at what I saw. The Lord was SILENT in Moses' life for 40 years, He allowed His people to live in slavery for over 400 years and then watched them wander in the desert for another 40. I begged the Lord to not pattern my life after this. I started reading through Exodus, Psalms and Acts at the same time. Seemingly random choices but it's amazing how much of the story is referenced in all three books. What I've been leaning on more than anything is Psalms. David's words echo my heart almost daily. I am constantly going back and forth between utter despair and hope that I'm not forgotten. David constantly reminds us to call upon the Lord, because He will come through. I called my mom the other day because I felt anxiety and panic welling up inside me. Tears were forming behind my eyes before she picked up and when she asked me how I was I blurted out, "He's not going to forget me right, mom? He's taken everything, which is okay, I'm not angry, I just don't want Him to forget me. He's not going to leave me out to dry because it sure feels like that." She confidently said in her wise mom voice, "Rachel. Our God is not that way. He WILL provide because it is contrary to His nature not to and we know that God is God is God. He has been faithful and true throughout history and it won't change today or tomorrow." Oh my sweet mother. Always knowing exactly the words to say. So even though I'm floundering a little bit right and trying to find something stable to put my feet on, I'm actively listening to the silence. I'm relishing the pain over the apathy. I hate the battle of willing my irrational side into submission because down in the deepest parts of my being I - KNOW - the Lord IS faithful. My existence has never once doubted that I'll be okay. And as much as I hate the frustration of this season, I feel alive again. My desire to know and dwell in the presence of the Lord is renewed. For that I am thankful. My faith is being tested and refined. For that I am thankful. Something is going to happen... something that will be better. For that I am thankful. He might change all my dreams and plans. For that I am thankful. I've accomplished something I have always wanted to. For that I am thankful.

I've been listening to a few songs by Brandon Heath that remind me, I'm fighting a battle but the victory is mine.

Wait and See
"There is hope for me yet
Because God won’t forget
All the plans he’s made for me
I have to wait and see
He’s not finished with me yet"

Trust You
"I’m not gonna fight you anymore
Not gonna try to lock the door
You took your life and gave me yours
There’s no reason why
I shouldn’t trust you with mine"

Sunrise
"All you need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
If you're lost in the twilight
Close your eyes and move on
When you're tired in the waiting
Even though it's gonna take you
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun's gonna find you"

All of these songs are off his new (ish) album What If We. Check out his myspace here

And with that I'm going to leave with a new favorite verse:

Psalms 27:13-14
I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait and for LORD
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

Supermassive Black Hole

2008-11-15T17:43:00.003-06:00

Um, where was I when the Muse train came through?? Apparently not interested in good music. This song is on a soundtrack that I recently purchased and I'm obsessed with it. There is something so freaking addicting in the production! I did a little bit of googling and found out that they are from the UK. Go figure. Reason # 9283723783 I need to move to London.

First off - an update about my little hospital visit.

I'm fine. Still in a bit of pain (actually it's worse at night, not sure I can make it to DC's party tonight, ang...). Tuesday night I started having really sharp stomach pains. It got worse as the night went on and finally about 3 the next day I decided to head to the urgent care clinic. They ran some tests and found out I had a pretty bad infection so the pain was most likely from that but because of where I hurt, she wanted to send me to the Emergency Room anyways to make sure it wasn't my appendix. Five hours later, I emerged with a final diagnosis of an infection and my appendix was given a clean bill of health. So all in all the ER wasn't necessary though it did give me peace of mind.

There - that said.

The reason I wanted to blog was to relieve some stress. While I am oh so excited for Thanksgiving (and almost a week at home) I'm also dreading it a little bit because that means it's almost Christmas which means I'm almost out of full time work. Ugh. I've spent the last three hours perusing jobs on various websites, sending off resumes and getting more and more frustrated. All of you who have applied for jobs can attest to this I'm sure, the most frustrating part of the entire process is when potential employers don't respond at all. Most of my inquiries have been just that, inquiries to see if they are even hiring, I've given up on attaching my resume because I'm afraid it will get lost in spam. I mean really, if I'm going to the trouble of looking into your company and tailor a letter just for you, at least have common decency to take two minutes and tell me you aren't hiring. Out of 20 companies I think I've gotten two maybe three responses saying they aren't hiring. I can take that, the uncertainty is what kills me. This has been the least fun season in a looonngg time. I've also noticed my heart has been resentful at alot of things. I'm starting to resent Nashville. I'm afraid I'm going to be trapped here. So many people have told me how excited they are for me - for the opportunities that will come, but all I can see is the empty abyss of part time work with no end in sight. I'm angry that I'm trying something completely different and I'm not getting any results. I'm angry that I begged the Lord to give me a distraction BEFORE He started dating someone. BEGGED. But no - I'm FREAKING ALONE while he's ready to propose. Why? Why do I always fall for the guy right before he finds the girl he wants to marry. It's a sick sick joke and it makes me so mad that I'm forgotten. I know this sounds so self-centered and petty. *sigh* sorry. word vomit.

Everything in my life seems so upside down. I can't find stable ground and it seems so hopeless. I try and try and try but no results. I don't know why everything is so silent. I HATE seasons of silence.

geesh, I'm all over the place. must be the pain.

alright, Fido. you've been good to me. thanks for the free wi-fi and the way too expensive (and hot!) cup of tea. and cute guy to my left, you can totally call me sometime.

that's all.

Ugly Betty

2008-11-09T13:29:00.004-06:00

This might be the most relatable show on television right now. Jason Mraz even wrote a song about it called "The Beauty in Ugly." I mean let's be honest, we ALL have been the most awkward or most vulnerable in a situation at some point right?

I got into "Ugly Betty" when it first debuted. I was a little skeptical about it's potential but thought I'd at least try it because I was intrigued. Basically, this awkward, curvy, Hispanic girl starts working at Mode Magazine (ok, Mode - Vogue? really?). She is surrounded by the most beautiful, popular people in New York City and is ridiculed every single episode by one person or another. In fact her boss even humiliates her on her first day. She is determined to stick it out because she is so confident in who she is. I got hooked into it. I saw soooo much of myself in Betty. Her sweet, eager nature, wanting to please everyone and withstanding ridicule in this workplace surrounded by the most beautiful people paralleled my own life. This past Thursday's episode struck a little too close to my heart. Betty starts getting a crush on her cute musician neighbor named Jesse. He is so sweet to her and she starts to mistake his kindness as interest. She accidentally promises that his band can play at the Mode party. He is so excited and calls her a snow day. Which okay- sidenote- as cheesy as that is, I think it might be one of the most creative compliments I've heard on television. Who DOESN'T love a snow day?! Anyways - back at work she tells her boss she told Jesse his band could perform which is a problem because Mode has already booked Mariah Carey. Oops. So basically Betty throws this huge afterparty just so Jesse's band can play at a Mode function. Jesse dedicates a song to her and she's completely head over heels. She runs down to find him and proclaim her love for him when she walks in on her roommate (and a Mode assistant) Amanda kissing Jesse. Amanda is tall, blonde, thin and beautiful. Betty runs out and eventually her boss finds her sitting outside crying. A conversation ensues where she tells Daniel that Jesse told her she was beautiful and it was foolish to assume he would have ever meant she was beautiful on the outside as well as the inside. She chokes out the phrase, "It's okay, I'm okay with who I am..." that part really struck me because through the tears you can hear the unshakeable confidence. Regardless of how many times the people around her call her fat, unattractive, ridiculous, or she is rejected for the prettier girl, she has no regrets in who she is. That scene has been replaying in my head over and over. Sometimes I wish I was confident enough in who I am to take the rejection and still be okay with who I am. Everytime my heart gets thrown back at me, I go to drastic measures (i.e. dying my hair, piercing something, etc) but it doesn't ease the ache. I was made fun of alot when I was in school. I spent many lunches in the bathroom, eating by myself just wishing to avoid the teasing. It was so bad by the time I got to seventh grade that we made the decision for me to skip a grade and change schools. It didn't get much better in high school. The first public school I went to I was pretty much ignored which I think I liked better than being made fun of. In fact, in my English class one kid looked at me and asked if I was new. This was in November. After three months of sitting in front of him, he had JUST noticed me. I patiently told him over and over I wasn't new and that I had been there since August. Regardless, I still got tagged with the nickname "New Girl" which didn't bother me nearly as much as the things people said to me at my private school. When I moved to Colorado, I also sat in the bathroom and ate lunch but it was because I was new and was overwhelmed not because people hated me.

While most of those things were said to me when we were all young and immature (and I know I said some horrible things as well) they are the words that come back to haunt me sometimes. The enemy's voice singing over me in the form of memories. As I get older I'm learning to fight back and be okay with who I am and day by day it gets a little easier. Once a week I see someone (as fictional as she may be) who is in a worse place than I am and I'm reminded I'm not alone.

She's so big hearted
but not so remarkable
just an ordinary humble girl
expecting nothing as we're made to think
it's a pretty person's world

but you are beautiful and you better go show it
go look again - you gotta be true to your own
if you really wanna go to the top
do you really wanna win?
don't believe in living normal just to satisfy demand.

Here I go again on my own.

2008-11-03T22:17:00.003-06:00

Whitesnake and Steppenwolf. Two musts on my work out playlist. Nothing can get my feet moving quite like "Here I Go Again." I'm trying this new gym routine. So far I'm enjoying it, but we'll see if it sticks. I love running and this new regime doesn't allow for more than 20-30 minutes of it and unfortunately I'm realizing I get shin splits - what the hek??. I guess it is a good thing the emphasis is weights. Yuck. I hate weights.

Anyways.

This title has more significance than just a track that popped up as I was somewhere between breathing and not breathing. I haven't wanted to blog about this because for me, once I expose it for all the world to see it somehow takes on a reality of it's own. A little less than three weeks ago my boss looked at me and said, "Well listen, we need to talk." My stomach dropped. I thought, oh crap, I'm going to get in trouble for being on facebook too much, or I'm sucking as an assistant, or he found out all my deepest darkest secrets and doesn't want me around anymore. The next few minutes were a mixture of relief and shock as I came to find out that it wasn't in fact any of those reasons but a far bigger one. One that can't be controlled by internet access, setting my clock twenty minutes ahead to make sure I get to work on time, or confessing all my wrongs. He told me that come January, I won't be able to work full time. The wonderful economy is slowing and our artists' careers are taking many different shapes. I think part of me was so relieved that I wasn't in trouble that I refused to process the implication of those words. I had to work at the office for another hour and a half (seriously, I know you read these, next time wait at least until 5... :) ) and I focused on many other things. At 5pm I said goodbye to my boss, calmly walked to the car, pulled up my mom's cell number on my phone, pressed "call" and lost it. As soon as I heard her voice I had to pull over because I was crying so hard. It wasn't even so much that I was losing my main source of income and these relationships I had invested so much in, as it was the final straw to seeing my life in Nashville completely unravel. I didn't want to tell anyone, I wanted to hide and never show my face again. Even though I know in no way is this a reflection of my worth, I still felt wounded. The worst part was that I couldn't even assign blame, as if that would somehow make the pain lessen. I wanted to scream at God, blame Him for abandoning me, for failing me right when I needed him most. But instead I felt this moment of calm. This undeniable voice sweetly asking "Do you trust Me?" My aching heart had no answer. I felt completely alone in the world. While I know that many of my friends are facing similar economic situations, they all have someone. I didn't have anyone to hold me while I cried. I didn't have the soft comforting whispers that everything was going to be okay. Even hearing my mom's voice didn't stop the physical pain. That night I talked to my dad and his advice was to get some sleep because it wouldn't hurt as much in the morning. Well, he was wrong. I think John Mayer said it best, "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part." The next day all I wanted to do was lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. Instead I went to lunch with a sweet friend who spoke just the right words over my heart. All the while, I started feeling the smallest hint of relief. Guilt immediately accompanied this feeling of relief, but I didn't want to admit it. As much as I absolutely love my job and would never have left, all of the longing for an adventure, the tiredness of being in the same place, the pain of losing relationships, and the confusion of being alone started to make sense. I started to see that He has been orchestrating this moment in every area of my life... from my desire to move to London that started in May, to the ending of close friendships, to the quiet retreat of my heart from my community. My anger started to fade away and I decided to embrace the change. Some days I'm great - excited about the future and ready to take on the world. Other days, the anger flares up and I have to confess my fears, because let's be honest, the root of all anger is fear. Fear of losing something, being forgotten or ignored.

So friends - that's all I've got. I know alot of you have known about this, but for those of you who don't, this is me finally embracing all aspects of my impending reality.

My plans for January are pretty open. I can stay on part time working with Chris but I've also sent my resume to like 15 different companies, in LA, Nashville and London. If you hear of anything or have any connections, let me know okay?

Here's to the next 9 months - whatever they look like.

I love You.
I trust You.

Captivating.

2008-10-22T22:44:00.003-05:00

In high school I read alot of books and wrote papers on courtship versus dating. I was genuinely curious about this topic as the whole I Kissed Dating Goodbye phenomenon hit right about the time I was entering the ranks of "dating." Hindsight being 20/20 I see now that most of my curiosity was an attempt to cover my fears of never getting chosen. It didn't lessen the blows of rejection at all, but it was a good mask for the public.

The fall of my sophomore year, my heart was shattered. Again - old news. After several weeks of wallowing I did what most girls do when they get their hearts broken. I took myself to Claire's and got a piercing. I also dyed my hair dark. I didn't want to see a trace of the girl that got her broken. I put up a rough exterior and tried to forget his sweet face. Part of this "change" was that I swore off dating for an entire year. I know - so big :) For me, it was. I vowed to give up all boys until the following October. I made it until February - but I digress. The day I "swore off boys" I went to a bookstore and happened to see a copy of a new book called Captivating. I picked it up, mildly interested and decided to give it a try. What happened through that book was alot of self-searching, pain, tears and finally freedom. In Captivating, Staci and John Elderidge talk about the mystery of the heart of a woman bringing out the man in men. I sort of understood what they were saying. Up until that point I had never really seen any of my friends fall into TRUE love. Even as I went through the next two years and my friends started getting married, I was never close enough with the guy to see how she changed everything about him just because she was secure in being a woman. Awhile back I found out one of my guy friends was getting the girl he was dating flowers. "Stay away from carnations" was my internal thought as soon as I found out. Not wanting to meddle, I kept my mouth shut. Then tonight when I was running on the treadmill (some point between breathing and not breathing) I finally understood what everyone meant when they say that a woman content in who she is has the power to bring out and enable men to be men. This girl, the way she lives her life, holds her head, smiles, pursues Jesus and loves those around her, allows him to be the man God created him to be. To pursue the way he was intended to pursue. She has for lack of a better term - Captivated him.

It was such a beautiful moment of realization. I'm amazed that it was this particular guy friend. He was the least likely person to ever teach me (unknowingly) this lesson. Anyways.

Big things are happening in my world. Things that I haven't fully yet processed but are terrifying and thrilling. Throughout this time my rational side is urging my irrational side to just do one thing. Remember. Remember the deeds of the Lord. He is compassionate, merciful, loving, and faithful.

My pastor has been speaking the last few months on Exodus. It's an amazing series. You can check it out here

One of the post powerful statements I've ever heard is this.

(In Reference to idols in our lives we might not know about)

"You will know if something is an idol by the way you react when it is taken away from you."

wow. If only you knew how powerful those words were days before things changed. God is intentional and not surprised. There is so much comfort in that.

When the world has fallen out
from under me
I'll be found in you.

Still Standing

Dear Nashville.

2008-10-14T10:55:00.003-05:00

Dear Nashville.

We've had a good four years, haven't we? When I first moved here as a wide-eyed 17 year old, I was convinced you were made for me. I sweated through that first fall, put up with the sleety rain, endured a broken heart-broken arm- "mistaken" pregnancy-104 degree fever with the flu- and still loved you even when you hit 90 degrees in April. I forgave the lack of fall weather that first year because some hurricane blew away all your pretty leaves and just left you with dead brown mush on the ground. It's okay, Nashville, I know it wasn't your fault. That summer after my freshman year I desperately wanted to return to you. Colorado Springs didn't hold a candle to you. I came back that fall excited for a new adventure. I put up with the heat because I still believed you were my soulmate. When December rolled around and we still had 70+ degree days I started getting a tiny bit frustrated but soon let go because I knew I was going back to Colorado where I would enjoy plenty of snow and cold weather. Then I made the life changing decision to stay in Nashville year - round with only a few jaunts home. Which meant I endured a Nashville summer. Really? It can get that hot and humid in one place for that long? I didn't even know it was possible. Summers in Chicago don't even come close to your ability to get hotter and hotter and more humid. How do you do it? I was a little frustrated with you when my electric bill was close to $150... in September. That second summer I sort of dreaded staying here with you but luckily I got to travel for 1/3 of it so I put up with you until it was 100 degrees + for more than two weeks. That was completely unacceptable. I almost put in my two weeks notice but you cooled off rather quickly once we got into October. All was forgiven and forgotten. Then you had to go and get hot in APRIL. April?? Why couldn't you wait until May like the rest of the world? This summer has been stifling and now we're into October. October 14th to be exact. Thanksgiving is 6 weeks away and I'm still wearing short sleeves, flip flops and sun dresses. I'm sorry but you LOOK like fall, SMELL like fall and TASTE like fall (Starbucks brought back Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Fido is out of caramel apple cider). Why oh why can't you FEEL LIKE FALL? Do you know how much I'm struggling with the fact that you're completely skipping my favorite season? I'm starting to resent you. In fact - I don't know if I can put up with much more of this nonsensical summer from April until October. You know I hate the heat so why do you torment me? Is it because I haven't switched my residency to Tennessee yet? Are you really that upset?

Listen, if things don't change soon we might have to break up.

Yours,

Rachel

I'm a gallery of broken hearts.

2008-10-10T21:05:00.002-05:00

As a little girl I was certain I was destined to be a princess. Somewhere my prince was out there and he would rescue me from my dreary chores while we rode off into the fading sun with his hair perfectly coifed. I'm sure the Disney movies I would watch on repeat didn't hurt my confidence in my future as the fairest ruler in the land. When I got a little older and really discovered boys I still believed that they would look on the inside, see the immense amount of love I was aching to give away and embrace it. Instead I found rejection and ridicule. Throughout high school my naivete didn't waver. "It gets better when they get older" was what everyone and their mother (literally) told me. I held steadfast to my innocence and knew that it would all be worth it someday. Surely by the time I was in college SOMEONE would want my love. My freshman year came and went. The summer after my freshman year I met a boy who changed my world. His friendship shook the foundation of my ideals. He was nothing I wanted and everything I wanted. My reckless heart refused to believe his only intention was friendship. As we stood at the top of the mountain gazing over the city with the stars twinkling above I was certain this was only the beginning. Little did I know that was the end. He shattered my heart less than a month later. I still have tear stains on a pillow from the torrent of tears that flowed for months. I didn't understand, I felt cheated out of everything I had saved. He didn't want it and he wasn't the first. It took me a long time to get over him. I had a few crushes throughout college and one date. At some point I met someone who blew me away in a bigger way than even HE had. Surely this man, this one who knows me and gets me in a way I never thought possible will finally love my heart, I thought.

And then he didn't

So now I don't believe in ever after let alone happily ever after - at least when it applies to me. I've moved past anger and bitterness to resignation. I know - I'm so young, only twenty-two, I have plenty of time... thanks but spare the words. Please remember that I've been dreaming about, writing notes to, praying for and protecting my heart for just one since I was eleven. That's eleven years and not once have I been picked. At some point you just have to put your sweats back on and accept the fact that the coach isn't going to put you in.

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair - let me be
and give me back my broken parts

Just so you know...

2008-09-28T23:24:00.003-05:00

I'm going to run.

I love September

2008-09-02T17:37:00.003-05:00

My blogs have been slightly melancholy the last few months. I've been struggling with the adjustment from college student to self sufficient grown up (ish). I know I've been slightly unpleasant, flaky and moody so thank you for those of you who had to put up with me. I had a break through last week and 90% of it came from finally finding someone who can treat my fatigue. I feel better than I have in a long long long time and I'm not on any medication. No advil, no prescriptions, no sleeping pills, nothing. Which for me is HUGE. I've consistently been on various medicines for years and had given up hope that there was a solution and not just a maintenance program. But Exodus Health Center deserves it's own blog. SO onto bigger and better things :)

September is my favorite month. Or maybe October. Probably September.

Why you might ask?

1) My birthday. I love my birthday. I love the phone calls, cards, emails and now facebook messages of people wishing only me good tidings. I know - selfish, immature, etc, but i LOVE to bring all my friends together and celebrate. It means so much more than just a day to be recognized. The attention itself embarrasses me a little bit but the day is my favorite.

2) Fall officially begins September 23. The day before my birthday. Had my mother given birth forty-eight hours earlier I would have been a summer baby and we all know how I feel about summer. Fall is the most magnificent time of the year. The weather cools down to sweater and jean season, the leaves burst into brilliant reds, golds, and oranges, and the world takes on a slower pace. The sun starts to set a little earlier, we retreat to our homes, or gather around a campfire that can now serve two purposes - warmth and s'mores - and the food. Oh the food of fall. Apple pies, pumpkin pies, chili, stew, hot chocolate. There is no better time to bring this out than fall.

3) The beginning of school. I LOVED the beginning of school. I'm sure part of this is because the first month of school you get all the social benefits and none of the academic downsides. Friends reconvene after long absences, stories are told, summer tans begin to fade and you pick up the rhythm of life once again. Things are more consistent once the fall begins. This is my first year without that staple and sense of purpose. Now I have a new sense of purpose. My first fall with paid vacations days and nothing to do on them but relax. No homework or papers, classes or quizzes, readings or presentations. My time is all my own. Like a sweet little present for me to enjoy every single day.

4) This is a new one but precious nonetheless. My best friend is getting married. Not only do I share my birthday with the best time of the year, but now I will share the month in celebration of my best friend joining her life to another and taking a new name. She has loved me better probably than any other person and knows just what to do or say to make me laugh (or piss me off). My sweet friend moved here in February and I have been BLESSED to spend this season of pre-marriage with her while she plans the details of the best day of her life. One week from tomorrow my mother will come to Nashville and one week from Thursday we will venture down to the coast of Florida to spend four days with her. I am SO excited for her to become Mrs. Carouthers. Chad is a lucky lucky man and I wouldn't have parted with her to anyone less. Santos - you are half of my life and I appreciate you more than you know.

So yes. Find me now because I have many many things to be thankful for in this season. And if I complain you have my full permission to belittle me.

His mercies are new every morning.

My heart is heavy today.

2008-08-22T12:24:00.002-05:00

I don't like being human today. My body hurts, I'm ready to drop from exhaustion, my heart hurts and I just need a good cry. My heart is breaking for so many people today.

Pray for us, will you?
Pray that God will step in and be a great Healer.
Pray that He shows up and all is not lost.
Pray that He has grace and mercy.

My heart is aching.

Happy August!

2008-08-01T10:08:00.002-05:00

I've discovered a few things about myself as I get older. At the ripe old age of (almost) 22, here is what I've allowed myself to acknowledge.

1) I don't like summer. I don't like heat and humidity. A few jaunts into the warmth and sunshine a couple times a year are all I need to be quite content. Fall is my season of choice. I would much rather wake up to gloomy and rainy. Which is precisely why I ask myself from Mid-April until early October why I live in Nashville.

2) I'm messy. Mom - if you're reading this I'm really sorry, but I haven't cleaned my room in a really long time. I value many more things above a clean room. Like helping my best friend punch 350 holes into her wedding programs. But about once a month I'll go into a cleaning frenzy, deep clean, and vow to never let it get that messy again which it inevitably does.

3) I get embarrassed easily. For myself, my friends, complete strangers. I FEEL probably more than the average person. I can't help it. I often live in extremes - but sometimes its better to feel intense joy or pain than to feel numbness.

4) I'm trying to live with no regrets. This harkens back to number three with getting embarrassed easily. Seriously - ask my family about the things I used to do as a child. I lived in some other world and had no shame in anything up until puberty kicked in and one becomes extremely self-aware of one's own awkwardness (which I still haven't outgrown by the way). I've done some pretty ridiculous things and my new mantra is to live with no regrets. Each awkward situation, each moment where I inserted foot in mouth, each time I spoke up when I should have remained silent, has in some way shaped a little piece of who I am.

5) I'm not super outdoors-y. My mother grew up camping and fishing for every vacation. She grew so tired of it that she swore to herself to never make her children do it. My dad grew up in Los Angeles and Southern Arizona. He did the required "boy camp outdoor" things but it never attracted his interest. So needless to say, I grew up in Hiltons, Embassy Suites, vacations in Hawaii, Europe and Mexico. The closest I've come to "roughing it" is staying in a camping cabin in South Dakota with a working bathroom, kitchen and air conditioning. I think I attempted one night in a tent in our backyard as a child but fear of evil squirrels and bears (we lived in Chicago... - but that fear was much more justifiable once we moved to Colorado) drove me and my friends into the house. Living in Colorado I started to have a little more tolerance for woods and bugs and nature but it wouldn't be my "vacation" of choice. I've always wanted to be that Northfleece, Nalgene, Teva, all natural, rock climbing girl. But I'm just not. And that's okay. My idea of vacation is sitting at home watching movies, drinking tea, or laying on a beach or exploring old cities. I see beauty in the significance of places - the old cathedrals in London, the palace in Versailles, the underground catacombs in Rome. Those adventures energize me. Hiking the AT doesn't really catch my fancy.

6) I'm not a morning person. There is nothing appealing to me about 6 am. 6 am runs, quiet times, homework, reading. Nothing. If you've seen me in the morning you know I don't really function for the first 45-60 minutes I'm awake. I don't like people to talk to me, ask questions, greet me, etc. I just want to slowly wake up .

I'm learning to embrace these things. I can't hide them anymore or change my preferences to accommodate a boy I like or friends I want to impress. I talked with one of my dear best friends yesterday about a major life / job decision she has to make. And all I could say was this. You get to spend your life any way you want. You decide that. But you only get to spend it once. Do you want to spend it building up a title and a name to impress people with or do you want to spend it doing something you absolutely love that generally doesn't have as much societal respect. Both are fine choices but you only get to choose to spend it once.

I'm learning how to do that. I'm learning how to spend my life the way I doing the things I want to do and not what society expects of me. Because I can't borrow on credit :)

What are you doing to spend your life on?

Please don't run away.

2008-07-22T11:05:00.002-05:00

We're on day 3 of PWI. For those of you who don't know (or haven't had the privilege of hearing me complain for the last 9 months), Pure Worship Institute (PWI for short) is a 6 day conference Jeff Deyo (one of our bands) is hosting this week in Nashville. Around 70 students have come from all over the country to learn about worship and various aspects of leading it / being involved. It's an extremely comprehensive week long conference affectionately known as the Deyolution. From my perspective alot of this has been a logistical nightmare. Building a conference from scratch is a helluva lot harder than I thought it would be. We were going off what we anticipated would be the needs rather than anything we had from past experience. Months of planning and praying and work have gone into this thing. And on Sunday evening we officially kicked off the first night of the first ever. There was something so gratifying to see all the work we had done come to fruition. Granted it definitely hasn't gone off without a hitch... there have been many hitches as a matter of fact. Each one of them designed to test one of us on the team. Our coordinator's father falling seriously ill, Chris' uncle passing away, problems with a couple of the shuttles and picking people up (my problem), brochures and passes not being printed correctly, etc are all things we've wrestled with the last three days. And I have struggled immensely with this. Mostly because the problems that directly related to the work I had done made me feel less than I am. I felt like all the hard work I had done and all my careful planning and organizing and hundreds of email did nothing to help the event run smoothly, it had, in fact the opposite reaction of what I hoped. Failure seems to be my constant companion these days. For once in my life I don't have anything to fall back on that I excel in. I'm learning to fly without a safety net. I'm bruised, vulnerable, and defeated. But for some reason I'm still fighting for this. Every day I tell myself I'm going to quit and go find something menial that I can be great at instead of being mediocre at best in something that actually matters. I don't feel worthy or competent enough to be given responsibility of this level. Why me? Why has the Lord chosen me to walk this path? What about this will bring Him glory in the end? Can He find glory in my stubbornness and my failure? Can He work through that? Because I often times feel like He can't and I'm one big walking disappointment :)

There is a song by a new (ish) band called Varnadore. This song is titled "Hopeless Case" and I've had it on repeat for days. Check out the lyrics and then head to their myspace. They are a little musical gem.

Hopeless Case

So I recognize you're amazing
I've known it since the day we met
Oh Beautiful, you are my darling
but lately you can't stand yourself

'Cause you've been hurt by the world
It's such a painful place to be
but I still see beauty

So darling don't you fear
I know you're not a hopeless case
and you were meant for more
This is a temporary state
and don't believe you've gone too far
I love you just the same.

So please don't run away.

So you're feeling pretty lonely
You are not who you thought you'd be
Well everybody needs forgiveness
Even sometimes from themselves

When you're hurt by the world
It's such a painful place to be
but i still see beauty

So darling don't you fear
I know you're not a hopeless case
You were meant for more
This is a temporary state
Don't believe you've gone too far
I love you just the same

So please don't run away.

You've been scared to face yourself at night
Telling everyone that you're "just fine"
Tell me what's the use in life if you can't be free?

So darling don't you fear
I know you're not a hopeless case
You were meant for more
This is a temporary state
and don't believe you've gone too far
I love you just the same

so please dont run away.

www.myspace.com/varnadoreband

This time - I'm trying not to run away.

Forbidden fruit.

2008-06-27T11:34:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to lie. I often get mad at Adam and Eve for screwing up and bringing the curse of death upon us. But really when I think about how many MORE people would have been tempted along the way, I realize they were actually just the scapegoats for the inevitable. Satan was clearly determined to bring down mankind and would have continued his temptation regardless. Someone was bound to crack - why not the first people on earth? At least there is no pressure for their ancestors (read: every single person that walked this earth) not to screw up. Lately I've been struggling with the battle of flesh vs. spirit. Granted I know this battle will always exist but it seems rather persistent in it's nature as of late. Part of the problem (well... the answer) is that Romans 12:2 says not to be conformed to the world. This verse is a see-saw battle for me. There is something so attractive about the world. It has bright lights and shiny objects. It whispers promises of fulfillment and happiness. It fills up your mind with visions of greatness and perfection. Sometimes the attraction is so strong it is easy for me to forget that the bite of this apple will bring death. I struggle. I battle with seeing the world for the empty broken shell it is and not getting caught up in the materialism of it all.

I think the church does a really poor job of addressing the allure of the world. Sure - we as Christians understand and KNOW that all of these promises are empty and ultimately lead to death but in the heat of the moment, at our weakest point, all we can see is the deceptive beauty of the flickering lights. Maybe it is because our church leaders are so seasoned in their faith that the world's appeal is lackluster. But most likely not. Are we afraid to admit the appeal of the world's promises because it somehow invalidates our faith? I will be the first to admit there are MANY appealing things about living for the flesh. Denying the existence of these feelings or attractions only gives them power to fester in our souls and make them more elusive thus more appealing. I love C.S. Lewis' take on this whole thing in the Screwtape Letters. The demons always tell each other that they can only win the battle if they continue to make the humans live in apathy. Because God is truth once we start to questions things, we will be given wisdom to see the lies we are believing. Maybe I'm just using that example as an excuse for my child-like rebellion.

Another hard sell is that our reward for resisting temptation and not conforming is in heaven. Sometimes I wonder if when I stand before the throne I'll be talking to the Big Guy (i'm pretty sure He hates that term) and He'll be like - Oh, by the way, here's your reward for not indulging in ____ . And then He'll hand me a hershey bar except the hershey bar will be calorie free, because obviously heavenly chocolate won't make you gain weight. I know this may seem blasphemous but these are truly things I struggle with.

Anyways - these are just a friday mid-morning musing (yeaaah for alliteration!). I know I'm pretty inconsistent with this blog. I just don't feel like posting things unless I feel like they are relevant or (somewhat) interesting.

That's all.

the One who is stronger than the storm.

2008-06-11T15:27:00.003-05:00

The sounds surrounding me remind me why I love my job. The demo of a new artist playing through the office speakers while the ice cream truck's familiar tone is quietly reminding me of years gone by. Such a clash of worlds. The place I've come from and the endless possibilities of where I'm headed. Today - is a good day. Today refreshes my spirit and keeps my passion alive. I honestly cannot imagine another job and the only other thing I'm as passionate about or even interested is something I feel called to, but not at this moment. I seriously wonder why my heart has the desires it does. What is the root of my desires? Where do they come from? Scripture talks about the heart being deceitful but also to guard it for it is the wellspring of life. I often feel I don't know my own heart. It tends to have a mind of it's own and runaway from me on numerous occasions. My inclination is to wander and romanticize adventures and lives I'm not living. How do I blend my dreams? They always seem to contradict each other. I was reminded today that He is stronger than the storm. Things in my life are fairly peaceful right now. For the moment being nothing is shaking my world (famous last words) except that my heart feels like it is a hurricane of a storm. My emotions go back and forth day to day trying to convince me of one thing or another. My circumstances seem so much bigger than the One who orchestrated my life. This one blip of time is just that - a blip. Ultimately my goal in life is to bring glory to God. Besides selling all my worldly possessions and packing up for Africa, how do I do that? How do I bring glory to God in my job, my relationships, my finances? I've finally surrendered my desire and urge to get married when I'm 23. I have SO many adventures I want to lead. And these very adventures make me afraid that I will spend my time roving the earth searching for contentment in my nomad like lifestyle that I'll lose my chance to get married and raise a family. A calling I still feel. I want my story to look like everyone else's. Logical. At least in my mind their stories are logical. I'm starting to feel bigger than the story being written in Nashville. Is this an arrogant assumption of my own worth or a calling to bigger things? Where do I begin to sort through these things? My first reaction is to blow off the desires because they involve so much 'self' and 'ego.' I'm afraid that if I pursue them it will be for my benefit only. This is something the Lord has opened the doors for - and as of late the doors have been shut but not locked. Daily I'm talking myself down from the ledge of doing something spontaneous and irrational - like picking up life and moving to a foreign country just for the hell of it. Gah. All these thoughts swirling about in my brain. I just need to stop and run to my Savior. Sort the pieces out with Him. I need a Jesus date and tonight looks like the perfect night to have one.

Any advice to stop the storm?

Leave the pieces when you go.

2008-05-26T17:32:00.002-05:00

I was talking to one of my best friends - Krystin - the other night and we were talking about where God has us both right now. She's in Texas right now, which has sucked, and we were both trying to make sense of why she's there. I started to think about it and said somethings to her which I realized where actually aimed more at my own spiritual wilderness than anyones. I've been in an interesting place for the last six months. I've let myself wander back into the desert. I can blame it on busy-ness, frustration, my circumstances or anything else for that matter, but what it comes down to is laziness and pride. I have been LAZY in my walk. And prideful to think I have orchestrated my circumstances. So all of that to say, when I think about the Israelites and how my own life mirrors theirs in so many ways, I realized that while God let them wander for 40 years, complaining, blaming Him, lost, confused, hurting... He still provided the manna. Regardless of their hearts or attitudes, He provided sustenance for them to continue and a miracle. Now I certainly don't want to wander for the next 40 years, I need to realized that He'll provide the manna regardless of where my heart is - in the desert or in the promised land.

What it comes down to is I really need to say I'm sorry.

To alot of people - and if you're one of them, then I'm so so sorry.

You're gonna break my heart anyway-
So just leave the pieces when you go.

ps. I totally have a crush on Prince Caspian.
pps. and I totally got another fish - and named him Caspian.

;)

I thought I was supposed to be smarter?

2008-05-17T00:19:00.002-05:00

SO I graduated?

Not sure if you knew that or not - i didn't drop any subtle hints or anything (*ahem*countdownpicturesstatus). I seriously cannot believe it is over...

But I feel sort of cheated. I thought going to college meant I got all the answers, but what I've realized is that the answers are just more questions. Confusing. I know.

Such a bizarre time. The one thing I've used to identify myself in society has been taken away. I no longer claim "student" as my occupation. Where is my place in this city, my church, my relationships? How do I take this new role and redefine who I think I have become to fit a new person. Who do I want to be? The more I try to be what I think I want, the more I have to laugh at myself and just give up. I will never be that girl - that's got to be okay. I'm not mysterious and charming. I'm simple. Transparent. Loving. Vulnerable. Thank you Dave Barnes for writing the song "When a Heart Breaks" - my favorite line maybe ever written in a song: "Does something unrequited mean it can never be?" Oh how I wish I was a gifted lyricist.

Regardless of that - I'm excited for this time to be free. Free to travel, discover, explore. I can do whatever I want!!! Such freedom and responsibility :)

Buy DCFC "Narrow Stairs" and go see "Prince Caspian" - not to be bossy, but they are worth it :)

May Day

2008-05-01T17:40:00.002-05:00

May is one of my favorite months.

After I got out of the private school, May meant the end of school and the beginning of summer vacation. May also holds my parents' birthday (yes, both of them, May 9th), the coming of warmer weather and some sort of transition between one year to the next. My calendar years have always started in August or September and ended in May. May now holds the anniversary of my grandpa's death. While I don't mourn now like I did then, my heart still catches at the fact that he won't be in the crowd to cheer me on as I walk across the stage to receive my diploma. He would have been so proud. I am so blessed to have three other grandparents, both of my parents and my youngest brother there to support me. I wish I could soak this all in. I don't think I understand the significance of this season and I desperately wish I could make time stop and examine it from all angles. My heart and emotions are so disconnected from my physical body right now. I'm living through my to-do list without taking time to appreciate the memories and the last moments of childhood. Is this the time when one finally moves from child to adult? Do we ever move from child to adult? Depending on the weather I can feel like a confidant young women or a scared kid who has fooled the world into letting her be on her own. The uncertainties in my heart don't add to my confidence right now. I want this to be over, but I want it all back. The only thing I would have done differently in my college career would be to study abroad. I love traveling so much that I should have taken advantage of Belmont's programs. I feared that being away for a semester would have impaired my ability to get an internship. Who knows. The past four years have been some of the best. I finally gained freedom and started to see my parents as PEOPLE and not dictators of my life. I can't remember the last screaming match my mother and I got into :) This isn't to say we don't argue, but rather I've learned how to communicate with them. I've also realized how selfish I am. I'm constantly amazed that they love me in spite of everything. I would have upgraded for a new Rachel 20 years ago :)

My mom and I had a discussion about boys about a month ago and she made a comment that really ticked me off. Basically what I heard her saying was that I wasn't worthy of this type of boy that I'm attracted to. I eventually started getting so angry and hurt that I ended the conversation before I started "spitting fire." She called back later to apologize. She in fact was trying to communicate the opposite of what I was hearing, that that type of boy isn't worthy of ME. Reflecting on it, I feel honored that my mother sees this. She has seen me at my worst. In the darkest moments of my life and knows me better than I might even know myself. For her to love me and still think me worthy of love blows my mind. My dad too - we've had some pretty intense arguments over the last 15 years and he still speaks highly of me. I guess it just amazes me that they see any good in me.

Someday I will start to learn that my Father only sees the good in me too. What will it take for the barriers to break down and I'll stop assuming I'm guilty and worthless? When do I stop listening to the lies singing over me? How do I make the shift in my brain to know that I am loved unabashedly? All these thoughts race through my brain all day long.

I really need to get a new prayer journal.

2 Finals
Moving
Birthday Party
Babysitting
Church Membership Class
Baja Date with Santos
Work
Oil Change
Numerous phone calls
and countless other things I have forgotten

until May 10th :)

ps. I reaalllly want to see the new "Narnia" movie

pps. you should really go buy Josh Wilson's new album, "Trying to Fit the Ocean In a Cup" <---it is really really good. I've had it for 4 months and am STILL listening to it!

When the enemy attacks.

2008-04-27T17:14:00.002-05:00

"There has been an accident."

Those words strike fear in anyone's heart. Unfortunately, such were the words I read on Saturday morning about 8:15am. I was all ready to get up, shower, and head to a massage (compliments of my sweet roommate), when I noticed I had a new email. The subject line "Starfield Accident" gripped my heart with fear. I opened the email from my boss and started reading. Initially I thought something not terribly major had happened until I read the details of the accident. The floor collapsed. 60 people fell 10 feet through into the basement. The pipes burst and started pouring water into the hole. The lighting truss started swaying and fell. Finally, the speakers gave way. He reassured us (his family, wife and myself) that he and the band were okay. Shaken, but okay. I had no idea what to do. This was the second night of the tour! This isn't supposed to happen to us, were my first thoughts. The first news reports started trickling in, expect mass casualties, it is a miracle people got out alive, there were wires running the length of the floor where it collapsed. The "why" question was screaming out in my head. I felt completely helpless. I finally talked to my boss' wife and she reassured me that while everyone was shaken, it seemed to be the best case scenario for the worst case scenario. 40 people were injured, 3 in critical condition. One has been released while two remain in critical. I beg of you friends, pray for them. One is a mother who took her children to the Starfield show. While we are SO thankful that no one died, this is a grave situation.

Praise the Lord that Tim saw the lights start to go and yelled for people to get out of the way.
Praise the Lord that Chris was in Canada when this happened.
Praise the Lord David and Tim were able to jump down into the hole and start pulling people out as soon as it happened.
Praise the Lord for the quick responses of medical personnel.
Praise the Lord no was electrocuted.

Friends - please petition the throne for those still injured, wisdom for all those involved, and for the tour to regain their confidence. We will not let the enemy keep us down!!

I just can't sleep on this tonight.

2008-04-24T02:25:00.002-05:00

It is 2:30am. I have class in 5 hours and 30 minutes. WHY am I awake!!! My body has been like this for many nights. Awake until all hours of the morning. Its not like I sleep in either. I'm wearing myself out, I just want to rest.

This hurts too much
It is too much for me to handle

please. where are You?

How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me.

2008-04-18T23:02:00.002-05:00

Its like a book elegantly bound
but in a language you can't read, just yet.
You've gotta spend some time, love. You've gotta spend time with me.

Are you kidding me? I thought "Such Great Heights" was one of the best songs probably written but the new Death Cab For Cutie single, "I Will Possess Your Heart" is freaking unbelievable. If you haven't heard it, stop reading this and go download it on iTunes. Amazing.

Anyways.

Graduation is 3 weeks from tomorrow. I feel so unprepared. Like all of a sudden it snuck up on me. I have a sinking feeling that I haven't done something or haven't fulfilled some requirement and I'm going to get onstage and they are going to deny me a diploma. Oh gosh. How embarrassing would THAT be? I'm so excited to be joining Chris full time at the company. I completely believe in and support our artists and what Chris is doing. I am SO blessed to have this job. I know I gush about it alot but its truly my dream job. I think all the changes have made me a little scared. I'm trying to trust in, "so do not fear, you are more valuable than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:31). So much change and so much responsibility. For the first time in my life I'm completely on my own. I'm really afraid of failing. That's probably been my biggest fear is failure or letting my parents down. I know my own weaknesses and shortcomings better than anyone else and while others have confidence in me, I tend to not see any of the good they do. I also need to remember that is scary and uncertain season is just that. A season. I know He is in the details. But because I'm human and sinful I question how the details work out. When I have quiet nights like tonight my brain tends to freak out and overreact. I'll think myself into a tizzy and convince myself that I should just move back to Colorado Springs and move back into my parent's house... or marry some random Joe Shmoe off the street for security. I'm constantly fighting the battle to pursue best and wait for the Lord to reveal himself in big ways. I'm scared to commit to a financial gift to a church. I want to do it but I'm scared. I still feel so young in so many ways but also so old. Where is the happy medium? :)

I'm always learning when it comes to you. I think I have You figured out one minute and then You go and do something to completely blow my mind and change my opinion. Things feel better in my life when You speak truth into my soul. I need someone to call me out of my BS, make me strive for excellence as a woman and not just as a friend, sister, and daughter. You stir my heart in a completely different way. I feel sorry for the one who has to measure up to You.

i can't do this.
i can't do this
i can't do this by myself
i can't do this
i can't do this
i can't do this, oh God I need Your help.

i'm yours.

ps. I lit my kitchen on fire today. it's a long story...

Eagle Vs. Shark

2008-04-13T23:23:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting amidst a pile of laundry thinking about this weekend. Despite the cold, it has been one of my favorites. I had forgotten what its like to just enjoy time off. I had a list of things to get accomplished and while I did a few and started a few more, I feel no remorse on spending my weekend relaxing. 90% of my projects have been turned in, I have two more convocations to go to, my graduation announcements are done, I have a place to live (that I can start moving into soon), saw two amazing movies, attended a bridal shower where we laughed for hours, and went on a five mile jog / run. I haven't run since spring break when I re-injured a stress fracture and bought new running shoes in the same week :). Unfortunately the shoes didn't solve the problem although they allowed me go further than I thought. Plus the weather was gorgeous.

Attended my first bridal shower of the season. I didn't cry - although I was tempted to. Somehow the shower ended up being a "Rachel's Most Embarrassing Moments" fest. But, most of those stories involved the beautiful bride-to-be so I was happy to oblige. Better at the shower than the reception :) I've been with Susan from the very first date until the engagement. I love watching the Lord work things out in His perfect season.

I feel like I'm moving into a fun season. Now that I see the end in sight and my job becoming full-time soon after, I'm so encouraged. The past 3 months have felt longer than any I have ever endured. I'm ending college on such a positive note. I'm setting goals that I can accomplish, getting my own bathroom, moving to a new part of town, praying about becoming a member at Grace, getting to know some amazing new people, spending time with friends that I love, and praying for a potential opportunity to fulfill a dream.

I talked to my parents tonight. My dad uttered six words that made the past four years worth it. "We are so proud of you." The joy I got from making my earthly parents proud was unspeakable. They have given me so much and all I want to do is bring them joy. How much more should this be for my Heavenly Father? What delight He must take when I actually start to try to make Him proud. :) As I grow up I see so many parallels between my parents love for me and the Father's love for me. What I once thought of as burdens were actually blessings designed to protect me.

Today - all is right in my heart. Today I am obeying and trusting Him. Today all I can utter is thanks. I can't promise tomorrow that my heart will be full of joy but today it is.

Things I am thankful for**:

1) My sweet family
2) His grace
3) My roommates (past, present and future)
4) My community
5) Pei Wei
6) Baja Burrito
7) A chance to grow deeper in my walk
8) Finding my favorite perfume that I thought was discontinued - on sale!
9) A new apartment complex
10) My brother going to prom!!
11) Friends in Chicago, Colorado, and Nashville.
12) The women who pour into my life.
13) Truth
14) My job
15) The Nichols Family
16) Mint gum
17) Peanut M&Ms
18) Skinny vanilla lattes
19) Running shoes
20) Email
21) "I Will Possess Your Heart"
22) Starfield: "I Will Go"
23) Jeff Deyo: "Unveil"
24) Josh Wilson: "Trying To Fit The Ocean In A Cup"
25) Future of Forestry: "Twilight"

** not in order of importance.

I'm learning to live in the moment. I am not promised tomorrow so why should I worry about it? He is in the details

Hallelujah

ps. Eagle vs. Shark = really good

Please Don't Crush Me...

2008-04-07T21:18:00.003-05:00

This song pretty much sums up life right now for me:

There's a mountain
Here before me
And I'm gonna climb it
with strength not my own

And He's gonna meet me
where the mountain beats me
And carry me through
Carry me through

There's a river
Here before me
And I'm gonna cross it
With strength not my own

He's gonna save me
When the river takes me
And carry me through
Carry me through

But Lord, be gentle
I'm just a man
Please don't crush me
with heavenly hands
Oh Lord remember
I've tried so hard
I'm walking towards the kingdom Lord

There's a city
here before me
And I'm gonna get there
with strength not my own

He's gonna carry me
when I get weary
And Carry me through
Carry me through

Oh Lord Be gentle
I'm just a man
Please don't crush me
with heavenly hands
Oh Lord Remember
I've tried so hard
I'm walking towards the kingdom Lord

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Carry me through

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Oh sweet Lord

Carry me through

-Thank you Dave Barnes-

ps. if you don't have it, get it NOW. on itunes. I think its like $5.99

for realsy.

Many the Miles...

2008-04-03T21:27:00.003-05:00

Today - I (along with 5 fantastic guys) gave the last major presentation of my academic career. I felt the tension drain from my shoulders as we realized we were no longer on the chopping block but had successfully proved our point, at least we hoped. For a split second I panicked. What do I do now? Granted I haven't received that little piece of paper from Belmont that certifies me a "graduate," but I have essentially finished. I pushed the slightly hysterical thoughts from my brain and focused on walking outside on the wet pavement in high heels (thanks, Jonathan!!). I came home, changed, went to work, plopped down at my desk and began sifting through tasks. The past few sleepless nights finally caught up to me and I could barely hold my head up, let alone coherently decipher website formats. Somehow I made it through the day without causing too many mistakes (I hope, sorry Chris!). Ended up at dinner with some of my favorite people - had to leave a little early to get to David's Bridal for a bridesmaid dress before they closed. As I was driving home, Sara Bareilles came up on my cd and memories of the past four years started flashing through my mind. I drove past old places I used to live and realized I lived four very different experiences with each one. I feel like each year was a different life. I was a different person with each new roommate and situation. As Brooke Fraser puts it: "I am changing, less and less asleep, made of different stuff than when I began." How true that is. How different I am today than the young seventeen year old who left Colorado Springs, wide eyed and eager to change the world in 2004. In some ways, I am still the same. I still get lost in books and find solace in peppermint tea. I still talk to my mom almost every day. I still laugh at the simplest things. I still want to be a wife and mother above all else. I find it amusing that the majority of my friends came into school wanting a career and not wanting to get married for awhile, while the opposite was true for me - I am the only one who ended up with a career before graduating and no immediate prospects of matrimony erstwhile buying bridesmaid dresses for the exact ones who didn't want that life. I always get so dang reflective at the end of a season. This one is scary. For once in my life I'll be supporting myself completely...and that's exactly what my life will become about, aside from the deeper theological "my life is not my own" etc, I am working to make my life exist. Does that make sense? I'm going to a job every day so I can eat lunch, pay my water bill, and hopefully survive better than I do now. The gravity of that situation is just starting to sink in. Alas.

On another note- my computer is completely on the fritz. I'm amazed that I have been able to type this entire blog out. Such a nightmare...I have a date with the Genius Bar tomorrow. Gah. The last thing I need.

I'm still digging into John lately. I love reading books of the Bible and passages that I think I've read a thousand times and get kicked in the butt by. Seriously. The Lord has been convicting me on basically every aspect of my life. And it sucks. Part of me just doesn't even want to deal with it right now. I don't want to change my behavior because it is so inconvenient to life, I need that extra half an hour of sleep instead of getting up to have a quiet time, whatever my excuses may be, they still come down to one little thing: Pride. Pastor Scott has been going through a series on Wisdom lately. In one of his previous sermons he said that there are two types of pride. The outright rebellious, putting my foot down, throwing a temper tantrum, willful pride, and the one that most of us struggle with without even realizing it. The pride of quiet neglect. When I don't read my Bible I'm telling God my wisdom is better than His.

Seriously? wooow. I'm STILL processing what that looks like. I'm so prone to live in the future, to live in the "when I get my act together then I will ____ " how foolish and arrogant of me. Its like I actually think I can rely upon myself to sustain breath in my body.

I've also realized that while I may love someone, my ability to love is limited because being IN love with someone is a two way street. I don't think I can actually be in love with someone unless they love me back. Being in his city hurt - after almost three years you would think the pain would be gone. While it has lessoned, I occasionally feel the pang of what might have been.

So needless to say-I've been learning a few things lately.

How far do I have to go to get to You?
Many the miles...

My last week of Academic Hell (hopefully).

2008-03-30T00:42:00.002-05:00

This isn't to complain but to forewarn any of you who may come in contact with me between now and April 5th, also to remind myself of what is due / things that are important this week.

1) Strategic Management presentation / paper
2) International Business presentation *note- DO POWERPOINT*
3) 125 Business Law questions + 5 chapters of reading
4) "No Exit" Study Guide
5) Eulogy
6) "Who Moved My Cheese" Paper
7) ERIKA'S BIRTHDAY!
8) Bible Study
9) Group Meetings (when??)
10) Seminar
11) Showcase
12) Email about showcase credit
13) Two Convo's
14) Call Sunset Grill about graduation party
15) Look at two apartment complexes
16) Pay two bills
17) Get in touch with ATT about rebate
18) Grocery shop (lots of caffeine)

bold denotes school work that must be completed essentially by Thursday at 8am.

All of this must be done between working 1-5 on M, class from 8-1230/ work 130-5 on T, class / work / class from 9am-9:30pm W.

Finals will be a breeze compared to this....

2008-03-27T01:00:00.002-05:00

Spring Break.

Those two words are glorious. Unfortunately, they will be coming to an end for me all too quickly. I've been in Arizona since last Friday and have gotten to eat amazing food (mostly Mexican), see movies, lay out by the pool, and enjoy the weight of nothing on my mind. I can't even begin to share how much this was needed. It was quite an adventure getting here though-- I got to the airport in Nashville at 8:30am on Thursday, about an hour and 45 minutes before my flight was supposed to leave. I wanted to leave plenty of time in case the airport was busy. I checked in, was informed my plane was slightly delayed, walked right through security and put my stuff down at the gate. Come to find out my flight is two hours delayed because of a plane in NY. I panic a little bit because I realize I'll miss my connection in Dallas. I wait in line and calmly tell the man behind the counter my situation. He says he had already re-booked me on the 5:30 flight to Colorado Springs so I'll have about a 2-3 hour wait in Dallas. He assures me I'll make the flight and get out of Dallas that evening. Make it to Dallas without incident. I check in with the gate attendant, check the flight status on the monitor and head to my gate. After realizing I had plenty of time I grab some lunch and coffee and sit down to wait. At 4:15 they announce the flight to Colorado Springs wont be leaving until at least 7pm now. At this point I start to lose it. I go up to the counter and tensely tell the woman I have to get to CO that night because I'm supposed to leave the next morning for Arizona. She apologizes and says that we actually most likely won't leave until 8pm. I walk away muttering swear words under my breath and call my parents. I check my phone for the time and realize I should have been in Colorado Springs by now had all gone according to plan. As I talk to my parents, I feel three hot tears slip down my cheek and my throat feel clogged. I don't want to break down in the middle of the airport but I was so frazzled that I could barely keep my composure. Eventually my mom encouraged me to go grab some dinner and a drink, relax and try to make the best out of the situation. Thankfully I found a TV that had the Belmont/Duke game so I chalked it up to a learning experience. I eventually DID make it to Colorado Springs, at 10:30pm. 15 hours after I got to the airport in Nashville I made it to Colorado. I probably could have driven faster, or at least gotten dang close to home by then. Came home, fell into bed and left the next morning to drive 12 hours in the car. In the span of twenty four hours I was in 3 time zones and 5 states. It was quite a day.

All of that not to complain but to show how much I needed to decompress from travel and school. I'm beginning to wonder if this is what normal people feel like? How much more I enjoy life when they don't have the weight of school on me? I love my job so that doesn't stress me out but school... school DEFINITELY does.

Lost a friend this weekend. He was young, mid-fifties. He was the landlord for our office building. Chris was much much closer to him than I was. So weird that he is gone. Thankfully he loved Jesus. Still-so weird.

Lots of time with family, immediate, extended (including a trip to my grandpa's grave) and step-family. Most good, some stressful. It makes me wonder how graduation will go with everyone in MY element. I have enjoyed the time to just be. This past Christmas and now this Easter break have allowed me the most restful vacations I've had in a long time. I'm not eager to return to Nashville.

I don't have much to say- just wanted to catch you up on life. Does anyone even read this?

:)

Coffee was a bad decision

2008-03-17T00:25:00.002-05:00

I love coffee. I can drink it at almost any point in the day. Except nighttime if it is not decaf. Well tonight I made the mistake of drinking a large cup of regular coffee all because I wanted to have some new creamer.

And now my heart is racing and I'm wide-awake while being unusually exhausted.

Story of my life :)

So a little update on things.

The doctors' think they FINALLY figured out what is causing all the pain in my cheeks/forehead/sinus area. They took one look at up my nose and told me that it was swollen shut. They had no idea how I have been breathing through it the past 8 months. I'm on a super intense dose of steroids to try and bring some of the swelling down. If that doesn't make the pain go away I have to go see another specialist. So far the pain has been getting better... I think. I'm just praying that all of this is due to a nose tissue that is 3x the size it is supposed to be.

I went through 3 Blackberries (the PDA not the fruit) in 2 days this weekend. That was an adventure.

I'm also approximately 3 days away from 10 days of sunshine, sleep and free everything. Praise Him for Spring Break. I can't wait to see my family. I'll be in 4 states in 10 days, maybe another country if I can convince the fam to head to Mexico for the day. I haven't been to AZ since Easter of my sophomore year, and that was to say goodbye to my grandfather in hospice. Needless to say, it has been a long time since I've gone to AZ to rest. But this trip should be different. I want to visit his grave. See his final resting place. Bring some closure.

My thoughts are scattered tonight. Part of the blame belongs to the steroids, part of it to the coffee. Forgive me.

I had to watch "The Village" tonight for a Philosophy class. I forgot how odd that movie is, although one of my FAVORITE scenes in any movie takes place in it. Let me re-cap:

Ivy Walker: When we are married, will you dance with me? I find dancing very agreeable. Why can you not say what is in your head?

Lucius Hunt: Why can you not stop saying what is in yours? Why must you lead, when I want to lead? If I want to dance I will ask you to dance. If I want to speak I will open my mouth and speak. Everyone is forever plaguing me to speak further. Why? What good is it to tell you you are in my every thought from the time I wake? What good can come from my saying that I sometimes cannot think clearly or do my work properly? What gain can rise of my telling you the only time I feel fear as others do is when I think of you in harm? That is why I am on this porch, Ivy Walker. I fear for your safety before all others. And yes, I will dance with you on our wedding night.

Such a beautiful moment. So much underneath all that.

Lately I cannot get enough of:
Death Cab for Cutie- Plans
Snow Patrol- Eyes Open

I've got nothing.

David Beckham is my brother...

2008-03-06T08:38:00.003-06:00

It is currently 8:38am on Thursday March 6th. I'm sitting in my International Business class listening to a discussion on protecting human rights. While I think this a stimulating topic and worthy of attention, my impending strategic management test and paper (that I haven't finished) are distracting me so I wanted to blog to relieve some stress. I began an 8 week Business Law 2 class last night, every Wednesday night from 5:30pm-9:30pm until April 30th. After I got home (about 10pm, the class is in Cool Springs), I began studying for my strategic test, and by studying I mean watching Death Cab videos on YouTube. Finally 1am rolled around and I was finishing up the final slides for Chapter 11, something about economic value in strategic implementation?, and the weight of this semester hit me. I can't screw this one up. I need to do my homework, finish convo, showcases, and go to class. This year has been PAINFUL to finish. I have to sit and make myself do my homework or at least attempt it. Honestly, if I had any more semesters, I'd drop out. There is no space or privacy in my house and I'm caught in this weird awkward place. I miss my long hair. I miss being surrounded by single people and lamenting about the lack of men in our lives. The last four years have been tough, amazing, but tough. I'm tired-- emotionally, spiritually, physically--tired. It's almost like I can never get fully caught up on sleep or life. My days run from 6:30 am until midnight at least. Those are long effing days.

Anyways, sorry for the complaining. I don't know why I have such an ungrateful spirit as of late.

So I have a feeling you are wondering why the title for this blog...

I have two brothers, at least I THOUGHT I had two brothers. Apparently while Mike has been in China, he found out we were related to David Beckham. To read the experience click here

Basically my brother is the funniest person I know.

The last few days I have been really digging into John. I've been challenged to KNOW Jesus and His scriptures and I haven't spent much time in John over the years. A re-occurring theme I have noticed is Jesus providing for the needs of the people, and then beyond that but more importantly in what seems impossible circumstances. The first example is His first public miracle, when he turns water into wine. Jesus didn't just give them enough to save the bridegroom's ass, He gave them the BEST of the wine, thus impressing his father-in-law. Jesus gave best, even in the simplest situation of a drink at a wedding.
The second example, a man came to Jesus and begged Him to come back and visit his sick son. Jesus, instead told him to go home because his son was healed. He took Jesus at his word and went home. Not only was his son no longer sick, he was completely healed and the people saw this as a miracle. The third, and this was the most powerful to me, is the story of the fish and loaves. Ok, this is probably one of the most well known stories in the New Testament. In this story, Jesus has to feed 5000 people. Five-freaking-thousand. He asks what food they have to give them. Then Scripture says that He asked that even though He knew what He was going to do. Interesting. He wanted the disciples to admit their limitations, that physically it was impossible to feed all the people who came to hear Jesus speak. Then he gathered up the five loaves and two fish and feed the 5000. After all had eaten their fill, Jesus asked the disciples to gather the left overs. So if this was me, I would have been a) skeptical at best that it could happen b) annoyed that I have gather "the leftovers." For whatever reason, the five loaves and two fish fed everyone, but really, LEFTOVERS, c'mon. There were baskets and baskets of fish and loaves of bread leftover. Not only did He provide for their immediate needs, He gave more. There was no human way to feed those people. No obvious option, yet Jesus was able and willing to provide enough and more for the people. Just to meet their basic physical needs. These people who might not have even believed in Him to begin with but were intrigued by His message had their needs met. My brain has been mystified on this concept. I've been scouring Scripture to see this consistency. Not only does it convict me, it encourages me. God can come through the impossible situations, in fact, He THRIVES in my "impossible." wow. I don't even know where to begin to process that.

Anyways. It is now 9:59am and I'm in Legal Issues for the Entertainment Industry discussing breech of contract for Exclusive Recording Agreements. Joy.

I have a love affair with Cadbury Eggs...

2008-03-03T22:00:00.002-06:00

It's true. Somehow ( It was probably the Lord protecting me) I missed out on Cadbury eggs up until this year. I was sick a few weeks ago, ventured out to get some Gatorade and on a whim, bought a Cadbury egg. It made me feel a bit better and since that day I get random cravings for them. Praise the Lord they are seasonal :)

Things have been interesting in my life as of late. I feel discouraged. Discouraged at my lack of discipline, at the state of my heart, at the depravity of my spirit and of my inability to be perfect. Yesterday I got a flat tire and it set me off. I proceeded to have about a 90 minute temper tantrum railing on why things are so bad in my life. As I look back with a clear mind I'm ashamed of my behavior but also content to sit in this season. I've realized the Lord is doing alot of refining in my life. Cutting away the dead...as anyone can attest, the removal of sin is not a comfortable process. I begged the Lord to leave me in this season until I finally learn my lesson. You see, I've felt moments of this refinement, but had yet to feel the full effects. It's like putting your hand closer and closer to the fire. You think you can manage until you realize your hand is consumed with flames and the pain is unbearable. For the first time in my life, really, I've seen the grit of my sin. My pride, arrogance, my lack of faith, my disobedience, my rebellion, my anger and judgement... I could go on forever. Never has so much been revealed to me. I've been going through a study called The Pursuit of Holiness with some amazing women from Grace. At the beginning I was hoping just to gain some new friendships from this weekly gathering. Instead, my life has been radically changed. I now realize that I have a choice. I can choose to be discouraged and realize that I'll never be good enough and sit in my sin. Or--I can realize I will never be good enough and choose to stand up in Christ and fight the battle. For now, I'm sitting. As much as I hate to admit this, as much as my heart is repulsed by my sin and craves Holiness, my flesh is winning the battle. The enemy's words are singing over me, whispering softly into my ear. Songs so loud they drown out my Father's words. Everywhere I seek counsel I am being told to immerse myself in Scripture, to pursue it, hide it in my heart, hold onto it so I can chose obedience instead of disobedience.

As much as I hate this season, and truly truly hate it, I know that greatness will come from it. I'm excited to see how my faith grows and my perspective changes once the Lord releases me from this particular season. He is good. He is in control. He has not cast the stone...I am free.

The father of lies
Coming to steal, kill and destroy
all my hopes of being good enough
I hear him saying
Cursed are the ones who can't abide-
He's right.
Allelujah
He's right.

The devil is preaching, the song of the redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray
I cannot gain salvation
Embracing Accusation

Could the father of lies
be telling the Truth
of God to me tonight
If the penalty of sin is death
Then death is mine

I hear him saying
Cursed are the ones who can't abide-
He's right.
Allelujah
He's right.

The devil is preaching, the song of redeemed
That I am cursed and gone astray

I cannot gain salvation.

Oh the devil's singing over me
An age old song
That I am Cursed and gone astray
Singing the first verse so conveniently over me
But he's forgotten the refrain...

Jesus saves.

I have learned to be content...or have I?

2008-02-28T00:54:00.002-06:00

I can convince myself on just about anything...

No really - I'm amazing at it. I should probably go into sales with my ability to persuade and reason. My roommate jokes that my logic makes no sense whatsoever to anyone but me. Which is probably true and why I would most likely fail at sales... I partially blame my dad. He has this innate ability to see what he wants and go about getting it. He is amazing. My dad is probably the best man I know. But I digress. This blog isn't fully about him.

My dad taught me how to reason, why I needed facts to back up my data and ultimately reward for proving myself. I was never or at most very rarely given anything just because I wanted it. I appreciate this aspect of my childhood. My parents made us work to get things or give them logical arguments why we needed them. This has been the case in every aspect of my life, from the little things like buying new clothes or going out to eat, to the big stuff, like college or buying a car. I have to do research, present the best options and be fully prepared to defend my reasoning.

The most recent conversation we've had? Getting a Blackberry. I've been looking at these pretty little things for some time now and as soon as I saw the shiny new red one, I knew it was a NEED. Last summer I toyed with the idea of getting one but decided it was better to wait because I didn't know what the future held as far as my career or my need for one. I fought with my parents and used the "I'm an adult and I can do what I want" line. Their swift rebuttal? "And how do you plan to pay for that?" quickly silenced my plea. Yesterday I finally caved. Verizon and I went through a nasty little divorce which will cost me approximately $140 in fees to say goodbye to. I didn't care, I needed the Blackberry. In fact, I wanted it so badly, I settled for the Titanium one instead of the red one. I might go back and swap it out in thirty days. That remains to be seen.

As I was lying in bed wondering two things. 1) If I could get a snow day... which I technically didn't but decided to take anyways and 2) What was the next thing I was going to "need."

Before the Blackberry I needed a new car. Ok, that was legit. And then Paul's words hit me like a brick. "I have LEARNED to be content whatever the circumstances..." It got me thinking. Would I be content if I didn't have my blackberry, a working phone, running water or a $100,000 degree (almost)? That's a hard question to ask. Usually I freak out once every three months or so and question every aspect of my life. The most consistent theme is the one of what am I doing? I get restless and feel my life isn't serving a purpose unless I am either in Africa or India serving sweet AIDS babies or married and keeping house. My heart grows discontented with where I'm at. But clearly I'm in this season for something, right? This awkward season of still being sort of financially dependent on my parents, wishing I could spend all day at work instead of classes and convos and seminars and tests and homework. The uncertainty of where I'm going to live come May 11th, of how I will make a living by myself. And yet these words speak, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God and peace which passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus." Amen, amen. Now how do I begin to LIVE that?

I know these are jumbled thoughts and most of the time they don't make much sense... I can tell you three different occasions I've tried to learn this lesson but my mind always goes back to, "well, when I have THIS... THEN I will be content..."

No. no more. I need to be content right now, as a poor, single, college student, living in a rundown home, that has a possum living inside the walls and an electric bill that is too high.

Grant me this contentment, O Lord.

Can the homeless be picky?

2008-02-21T08:36:00.002-06:00

On Tuesday night I had an interesting encounter that not only made me laugh but also seriously question my heart and how my actions do (or don't) show Jesus.

I was driving down Wedgewood towards my Bible Study and I came to 12th Avenue. This part of 12th can be shady and generally I try not to stop at the gas station or be around there too late at night. I looked over and saw a man in a wheelchair who I assumed to be homeless. My heart instantly softened when I thought about how cold it was and how blessed I was to be in my warm car. My first thought was to pick him up and drive him to a shelter. Words of advice from friends (many many friends) halted that thought and begged me to try again. My next thought was to buy him coffee. It then occurred to me that he probably hadn't eaten in awhile, so I should just grab a hot meal for him. I pull up to the drive through at Mrs. Winners (keep in mind I have never been here before) and ask if they have some sort of Chicken sandwich thing. I can't understand the woman but she recommends something so I tell her that's fine and ask for a large coffee. "We don't have coffee at this time." I check my watch, three minutes until eight pm. What in the world? Why wouldn't they have coffee? "Fine... just give me... uh?? a Coke?" I grab the food and drive back to the corner where I saw the man. I'm secretly hoping he won't be there so I don't have to actually face him. I pull into the gas station and pull as close to the man as I can without driving on the grass. I lock my car and walk over to the man. My heart is pounding and my palms are slightly sweaty. I'm sending up numerous silent prayers begging the Lord to keep me safe and for the food to be met with happiness not awkwardness. I approach timidly but confidently and ask him if he's hungry. He flashes a decayed toothy smile at me and says he is. I awkwardly offer the chicken and tell him it isn't much but I thought it might help. He is overcome. I then start to ramble about the whole coffee fiasco and I was sorry it wasn't something warm to drink but I have a coke instead. He looks at me and says, "Oh! I don't drink Coke. I don't drink any carbonated beverages." This stops me in my tracks. What?! A homeless man is being PICKY? He's HOMELESS! He might not get another meal for who knows how long. I scramble trying to not let my shock be seen but as most of you know, my face basically reveals whatever emotion I'm feeling regardless of how hard I try to stop it. I start to leave desperate to get out of the awkward situation and realizing that I'm not exactly safe, standing on the corner of Wedgewood and 12th with my purse in my car. He reaches out his hand to me and says, "God bless you... I'm Tom." I briefly saw his hand and saw numerous sores and other spots I couldn't identify. My first reaction was repulsion, but thanks to basic etiquette (Thanks Mom!!) I shake his hand, tell him my name, smile and wish him a good night. I wanted to scrub my hand like a child does after they think they have been exposed to "cooties." Instantly my heart was convicted.
"Rachel, he is my Child. What makes him any different than you?"

Oh Crap.

"Lord, he probably has some sort of disease!! I don't want to get a flesh eating bacteria and have my hand fall off!!"

"Daughter, he is precious in My sight. Did I not touch the lepers, embrace the outcasts, and give sight to those the world rejected? Am I not bigger than his 'flesh eating bacteria'? His external disease is a picture of your soul before I made you clean. I came to give him life and save Him, just as I did for you."

I was so ashamed of myself. Amazing how my pride in doing something "good" became a way for the Lord to reveal the flesh eating bacteria in my soul. I always thought myself compassionate of those in need and became enraged when I felt they were being treated as 'less' of a person because of xy or z.

Funny how the Lord reveals sin that you didn't even know you had through the most obvious ways.

4 mile runs and Love.

2008-02-10T19:53:00.000-06:00

Training for the half marathon has given me alot of time to think. Most of those moments I am struggling to breathe and take another step, but today, for the first time maybe ever, I found a stride. The kind runners talk about... the one where their entire body seems to move as one. Granted my stride was probably slower than I want it to be, but I was able to breathe and enjoy the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement. I never thought I would be able to run 4 miles. Ok, I'll admit, I walked some of it :) Maybe 1/4. BUT regardless, I did it. I ran/walked/jogged 4 miles and it felt great. Today my brain was wandering to the next three months. You see friends, three months from today I will walk across a stage in Nashville TN wearing a black cap and gown to receive a piece of paper that I have worked my butt off for the last (almost) 4 years. The entire chapter of my academic life will come to a close in a much different way than I would have envisioned. Some things are way better than I could have dreamed, others are disappointing. But I also realized, I am blessed. Blessed beyond my wildest dreams. The kind of blessed that you are almost afraid to dream of and don't want to talk about because you fear it being snatched away or waking to find you are still an awkward teenager and the last four years have been a dream. Part of this dream has yet to come to fruition. The part I have desired for many years. Why? I have no idea, only a hope that the Lord knows what He is doing and that He is faithful regardless of my attempts to prove Him wrong or mess things up :) And then it hit me...

I want you to want me.

How often my heart softly cries those words. Usually to someone who doesn't want me. As I stopped to catch my breath and wait for the light to change (I try to avoid jay-walking at all costs, especially now that I'm wanted...) I decided I could give up this fight. If I can run a half-marathon, I can give up this situation. I was given this picture of falling at the feet of Jesus while His arms are stretched out in a hug and He bends over to surround me. I decided to pray for this situation everytime I want to think or get anxious or engage in typical behavior. You see, I want him more than I've wanted the others. I value him more than I valued the others, as my friend stephanie would say, "I was content to be his friend even if I couldn't be his wife, because he was that amazing." I'm willing to wait and expect the Lord to show up. Because either way, I win.

So for the second time in my life, I'm giving it up. I need to re-focus my life and fall madly in love with the One who created me and knows my desires but more importantly what's best for me. I need my desire to be what is best, because right now I don't know what's best and I can convince myself that whatever is captivating me at the moment is "best." My hope and prayer is that by surrendering this, I get it back, but knowing that what I get back might not be the exact specifications must still be worth the complete surrender.

I've never heard something that sweet...
But, are you sure you want me?

I'm always amazed that He wants me. Especially when I see the grit of my own sin and the junk I have in my heart. It can be so overwhelming and discouraging to see it. But I want Him. More than anything. I need to be reassured of His deep, abiding, faithful love. Hallelujah for second chances... (and third, fourth, fifth, sixth...)

I won't be full of second guesses

This is where I welcome you into my life. Keep me accountable. Ask me how my heart is, if it's finding its peace in Christ. Ask me how surrendering is going because I promise you I will fail miserably more times than not.

Until September 24th, 2008 keep me accountable.

Let's finish college strong. A half-marathon(er), a job, and complete surrender to sweet Jesus.

What I Know to be Truth.

2008-02-03T17:13:00.000-06:00

The past week and a half have been interesting to say the least. The play finally finished up and while I had a great time with it, I realized my main calling in life is not to act or be onstage. I don't have the amount of passion you need to do a job like that. I'm so glad the Lord showed me through this experience this not where He has me. My heart has been all over the place lately. I'm sorry if any of you have had to experience me through this time. I haven't been myself. Forgive me. I've watched some of my worst nightmares come to fruition and have only been able to run to Jesus. Thank you to the women who have spoken intense truth into my heart. You know who you are, the ones I call or have coffee with and just spew all over you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just wanted to pass on some of these little gems that I have received the past week from friends:

"Stop seeing yourself as half empty and realize that you are half full! You have so much to offer the world and someday some man is going to come along and pour into you and you guys will overflow. But just because you don't have that now doesn't mean you are LACKING anything. "

How that little shift of seeing the glass "half full" instead of "half empty" has changed my perspective on so much.

"He can't fix you. Stop trying to put that pressure on him. Having him in your life won't fix all your problems. Its not fair for you to expect that of him because you know the only who have truly fix the brokenness in your heart and relationships is Christ."

I mean really. You would think I would have learned that lesson about 21 years ago... but no. I am just understanding it... he can't fix me. only HE can fix me.

The following is taken from Genesis. Its the part where Adam and Eve hide because they have sinned against God. I'm going to paraphrase here:

God: Adam. Eve. Where are you?
A&E: We're hiding over here in the bushes
God: Why are you hiding?
A&E: Because we're naked.
God: Who told you that?

What a simple story we have all heard so many times. But what my friend Sarah pointed out is this... God wanted to know who TOLD Adam and Eve they were naked, who lied to them. Even though it technically wasn't a lie, God was making them think He didn't know they had eaten the fruit. Sarah's point was this, when I start believing that I'm not pretty enough, or thin enough or smart enough or WHATEVER enough, God asks me , "Who told you that?" My Father calls me beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made, created with a purpose, cherished, beloved, adored... etc. So if HE didn't tell me those things why do I believe them? Do I put more stock in what the world lies to me about than what my Father tells me to be true? My pastor said something in church this morning about we can't negotiate with the Word of God. We must believe that His words are absolutely true and above any other words we hear or messages we receive.

So those are my thoughts... messy and unorganized they may be, but they are mine and I wanted to share them.

Thank you Brooke Fraser for expressing my heart:

I'll give it time
give it space
and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way
we wanna walk it well

I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting 'til we're ready
'til it's right
Love is waiting

You make all things new...

2008-01-24T21:54:00.000-06:00

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and the mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through

I'll be found in You.

Thank you Trent for introducing me to Brooke Fraser. I wish I could write like her. She has wrangled all my crazy thoughts and put them down in a more eloquent way than I could ever hope to achieve. My top songwriters? Patty Griffin, Brooke Fraser, Ben Gibbard (DCFC, What Sarah Said- Genius), John Mayer, James Taylor. The end.

Sorry I got side-tracked by my love of words put to melodies.

The last two nights I have been fed spiritually. First by a group of women who I hope to call sisters in the near future. I felt a stirring in my heart to check out this Bible study, an urge, a quiet whisper. The kind you can't ignore as much as you try to take a nap to forget or make other plans. So I went and found what my soul had been craving. Its like I realized I was dying of thirst and these women were offering me water. I'm so excited to see where the Lord takes this. Last night I was challenged by my community group, dear sweet friends who I have let fall to the side as I struggled with papers, rehearsals and other time consuming projects. They loved, supported and prayed for me even while I was absent. ErinFaith, my sweet, fierce, passionate friend was continuing her topic on the awareness of God and encountering Him. I was quickly filled in on the past weeks and learned they had been discussing the reality of God being everywhere. Last night, Erin was on fire. I could see this was a topic that she had so many things to say that she might actually burst. I smiled and prepared to be immersed in her free-thinking but Biblically founded logic. We pulled out numerous Scriptures on encounters with God. All of them vastly different but all encounters nonetheless. Erin mentioned how these people had experiences with God in ordinary and extreme ways. She then asked us how WE experience God, if we even experience God at all. My thought immediately jumped to when I'll have those moments where it just clicks. One more ounce of Truth is revealed to me or I finally understand what a passage is trying to say. My "ah-HA!" moments. But on a more consistent basis: sitting at Fido (or another coffee shop) with my journal, Bible, and a few books. I sit and come before the Throne. This is my time to remove distraction and focus on Him. Do "date" Jesus. But Erin challenged us to a new way. Pick one ordinary thing in your life, something that makes you angry, frustrates you, something you are apathetic to, your favorite song, whatever, and expect God to show up in it. If we really say that HE is everywhere, then we need to pray and expect Him to show up in the mundane.

This freaked me out. I tend to keep my life in neat little boxes and rarely mix them up. Sure, the Lord knows what's in each container and I'll let Him dig through them, but I don't want Him to mix and match this with that. Opening up ordinary moments of my day to an encounter with God is scary and big and needed.

I've been struggling. Struggling with this wilderness and a relationship that perpetuates my feelings of fear that the Lord will fail me right when I need Him most... right when it comes to matters of my heart... to the wellspring of my life and the secret desire I share with none but so desperately want just one to know. My soul woke up, and with that awakening came a scary realization that once it has seen greatness, it can't ever be satisfied with less.

"My daughters, I urge you, do not awaken love before it so desires"

So- I decided to welcome Jesus into my wilderness. To expect Him to show up when I get frustrated with this situation and when anxiety starts to creep into my spirit. In the Practice of the Presence of God, Brother Lawrence says that anxiety is a CHOICE. I choose to become anxious because I lose sight of who I am and the purpose of my life. I allow anxiety to enter when I forget that this life is not about me. So why not beg my Creator to come into my anxiety and be bigger than it? I can't fight it alone, that's for sure.

When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray.

I like books. Its nerdy, I know. But I'm not going to apologize for who I am because it is who I was made to be, and if you don't love that, then another will.

The Beginning.

2008-01-16T22:59:00.000-06:00

Getting rid of myspace changed my life. Not really. But sort of. The times I am tempted to waste precious moments of my day, now are re-directed to other tasks, be it productive or indulgent. However, there is one thing I miss about myspace.

Blogs.

Those were my moments to pour out my emotions and rationalize in words what my heart and head so consistently fought against. Reading entries from years ago until the present helped me see how Christ was slowly changing my heart and how my desires were evolving. I became more confidant in who I was. My knowledge of the world increased. I went around the country and experienced things I never could have imagined. More than that, I saw the faithfulness of my Creator. Prayers, petitions, sobs, anger, tears, jubilation, curse words, frustration, peace, surrender. I was able to look back and see where specific things I begged of the Lord, He granted. Sometimes to my relief, and sometimes to my sorrow. I saw petulant child-like behavior that started to understand the Love of the Lord a fraction more.

I've had an exciting life to be sure. One that I wouldn't change for all the monies in the world (that's for you, Janelle). Sure, there are times I wish I would have spoken up and defended myself, or I had kept silent. But the Lord has yet to fail me, so why would I expect Him to now? How dare I even imagine myself of enough consequence that He would defile His character for my insignificant life? Do I do Him a disservice by settling for someone else, when clearly I know I'm settling and no amount of reasoning can disprove that. Do I disobey Him for fear that He will disappoint? How similar I am to the Israelites. My wandering has taken on the same form... "Oh, if only I was back in slavery, at least then I would have had food... surely the Lord can't provide something from nothing." I used to scoff at those Israelites because I knew the end of the story. Redemption and Faithfulnes. Surely I would scoff at my twenty-one year old self once I saw the end of my story for my moments of unbelief.

At some point, peppermint tea started having a calming effect on my over-excitable brain. It all began when my mom brought a hot cup of tea into my room after a boy said some awful things about me. She sat on my bed, stroked my hair, and spoke soothing words over my wounded heart. I drank that tea and fell into a calm sleep. Ever since then, tea has become my go-to in times of doubt, hurt, anxiety, or fear. Sitting at a coffee shop, my eyes brim with tears as I realize I let myself wander back into my wilderness. My wilderness of limiting God and telling Him He's not enough by choosing to settle. I don't think even my favorite cup of tea can heal this one.

Am I worth the fight Lord? Am I worth the battle You have to enter into daily to keep my attention? If You saw what I see, I would expect You to walk away. But that is the beauty in grace and love.... You choose to stay and fight for me. You choose to desire me. You choose me.